Friday, April 18, 2008

CRIPES, IT’S ALL CRAP

THAT’S RIGHT, CRAP!
Politics + Media = CRAP


(April 17, Meuhlenburg, PA) Dropped somewhere in the last few decades from our common lexicon, the word crap, is sorely missed. In an effort to resurrect this fine, descriptive adjective, perhaps it is fitting to site some examples of crap.

Crap, or the South Bronx, upper-crusted variant, ‘crapola’, essentially is used to describe people, places and / or things as garbage, useless, without substance, half-assed, shoddy, insignificant and cheap. It appears that shit has replaced crap as the preferred term broadly utilized.

While shit remains unacceptable in certain settings and is a fine word in and of itself, crap, may be seen as arcane, archaic and antiquated, yet has a certain ring to it that , if properly used, feels good to say. Crap.

Today we are surrounded by crap; crap, literally, threatens our collective and individual sanity. Most of what has come to pass for and represent our society and culture is crap. This fact becomes abundantly clear if one is to consider our current political situation. From the maniacal, imbecile inhabiting the White House, to the clowns seeking to replace him, every aspect, of our political - governmental - legislative - bueracratic machinery is absolute crap. Yes, it remains superior to most other nations ruling apparatus but, it is all crap. We deserve better than crap. Clearly the inspired, brave men who wrote our Declaration of Independence, Bill of Rights and Constitution, did not anticipate their ideals, ideas and virtuous efforts would one day devolve into crap.

Crap, crap, crap. That feels good. Try it; just say it a few times. If some external stimulus is needed to invoke saying crap out loud, perhaps some of the following may do the trick.

Turn on your TV. If you have cable TV, tune in to any cable news program. It is all crap. But, some crap distinguishes itself , actually bobs to the surface of the ocean of crap we are awash in. Generally speaking, any program aired on MSNBC, FOX News, CNN - alleged “news” outlets - are all absolutely premier examples of crap.

Sadly, we as a culture and society are trapped in a magnetic-like field, a force comparable to gravity, that is, crap. Our elected officials, talking heads and media personalities are crappy. (Crappy is the colloquial meaning crap-like.)

There was a televised event last night, advertised as a Presidential Candidates Debate that was, fundamentally, one


of the most profound examples of crap broadcast in years. No, this statement is not including all the crap that networks pawn off as entertainment. All that stuff: sit-coms, mini-series, soap operas, game shows, reality programs, etc...is obvious crap but, due to it’s benign purpose as a societal barbituant, it is not on the same level as what should be “serious” broadcasting.

It is a shame that crap has become so widely acceptable. It is so ubiquitous, prevalent and pervasive that we seem not to notice it, realize that we are swimming in crap. The truly shameful component of our crap tolerance is that it is exploited at every turn by our government and mass media. Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopolos of ABC News, conducting a nationally broadcast forum with the two remaining Democratic Presidential Candidates?, how could this possibly not be the epitome of crap? Gibson, a barely competent morning talk-crap show host and George Stepincrapalot, a former hack of Mrs. Bill Clinton’s husband, are no more journalists then the buffoons, such as Bill O’ Reilly, on FOX.

Actually, it is interesting to think about where all this crap comes from. Where do the big media outlets find such crappy human beings, crappy, sub-par intellects, such as Sean Hannity, Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, Anderson Cooper, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Novak, Eugene Robinson, the entire staff of The Weekly Standard, Jonah Goldberg, Tucker and Margaret Carlson? This roster could be extended but would require far too much space in this post. That would become, by default, crap. A long list of crappy people would be crap in and of itself but, those named do represent the height of TV ‘news’ crap.

Back in the day, not all that long ago, when crap was a much used word, in addition to it’s aforementioned applications, it was also a synonym for defecating. This, because , what we now refer to as the ‘toilet’ or ‘commode’, was invented by the Englishman John Crapper. (In England, the crapper is also known as the ‘loo’.) Hence, the expression , “Hey, I have to take a crap’’, which, more accurately , should be “Hey, I have to leave a crap.”

Cut the crap, you’re full of crap, what a bunch of crap, look at that crap, jeez, this is pretty crappy, don’t give me any crap, I’ve had enough crap, Philadelphia is one of the crappiest places on earth...just a few phrases illustrating the versatility of the monosyllabic but oh so pleasant to utter, crap. C R A P. Crap is a word, when said, that should be stretched out; elongated beyond its phonetic limits. Ah, Craaaaapppp!
Whose fuckin’ Crrraaapppp is this?

A particularly potent pronunciation of the word crap, is the more adamant, yet a tad more involved vocally, ‘Kay-Wrap”. This is a more formal usage that possesses a degree of emphasis regarding a crappy situation, event, scenario or circumstance, that exceeds just saying crap. No matter how loud it might be barked crap is never as emphatic as “Kay-Wrap”, even when verbalized in a conversational tone, as an aside, or even under one’s breath, so to speak. “Kay-Wrap” can be as sobering and alarming, if said properly and sincerely, as “You’ve got to be shitting me.”

But, let’s not crap all over this brief dissertation about crap. To do so would be crappy and render this very tribute to crap as crap. If anyone finds that statement disagreeable, they should have the crap beaten outta them.

Crap, used as a noun, verb, adverb, adjective, expletive, declarative, modifier, greeting, salutation, pronoun, or term of endearment, is the thinking persons “shit”. Introduce crap to your children, add it to your vocabulary. Crap says a lot, in some cases crap, says it all.

Copyright TBC © 2008 All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

HILLARY GETTING “COMMON”

HUGE YARD SALE AT EMBASSY ROW HOME

(April 15, Washington, DC) In an effort to better establish herself among voters as a “common” person, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted a yard sale in front of her $2.85 million home here on Whitehaven Street around the block from Embassy Row. In the aftermath of Barak Obama’s statements considered by many to be offensive to small town and rural residents, Mrs. Clinton is doing all she can to paint Obama, the Democratic frontrunner as an “elitist”.

Beginning last weekend when Hillary spent Saturday night getting rip-roaring sloppy drunk while drinking shots and beers in Indiana, everyday she makes another alteration to her image hoping to solidify the notion of her “commonness” with working class voters.

The inconsistencies in her claims and condemnations of Senator Obama for being “elitist” and “out of touch “with the common person, have not been without backlash. It has been well document in the press that Mrs. Clinton and her husband, former President Bill, reported earnings of almost $109 million since Mr. Clinton left office in 2001. The fact that they own several very expensive residences and live well beyond the imagination of most common people, the New York senator is insistently trying to convince voters that she is “one of them”.

To that end today, Mrs. Clinton held a yard sale in front of her Washington DC home. The sidewalk in front of her home was cluttered with rolling garment racks heavily burdened by the hundreds of pants suits, overcoats, sportswear and other wardrobe items. When word of her yard sale made its way through the neighborhood and into DC proper, the crowds began to appear. Many of Hillary’s trademark, designer, tailor-made pant suits which had each cost well over $1200 were sold for as little as $18 in some cases. Several of the pant suits had to sold as ‘separates’ because the jacket easily fit the woman buying it while the pants would have been far too large for the buyer. One shopper, Glynnis Wynn from Washington DC said “Hell yes, I bought 3 of those pants suits. One is black, one is kinda tan and the other is lime green. My fat-assed husband will have to wear the pants…they just way too big for me”.

Many of the potential buyers decided to simply browse and not make any purchases. One of them, Brenda Fontaine who traveled from Baltimore commented, “Hail no, I ain’t buyin’ none a this shit. Can you believe some of the colors of this crap? You’d think a woman who went to college and was married to a President would have much better taste in clothes. I wouldn’t wear any a this shit if I was bare assed naked in December”.

While the yard sale went on outside, Mrs. Clinton sat with reporters in one of the well appointed parlors in her glamorous, stately home. “I will only be wearing clothing from Walmart, Target and perhaps, Sears. I never really liked wearing such expensive, custom made clothing, fine jewelry and outrageously expensive garments. I’m just a regular gal from Illinois who ~~~BELCH~~~ likes to hunt, fish, skeet shoot, arm wrestle and get drunk”, Mrs. Clinton told reporters. She continued while taking hefty swigs from a half pint bottle of Popov Vodka, “I remember my grandfather teaching me to ```FART``` shoot a shotgun when I was about 3 years old. He was enormously proud of me when I shot my first bear in fourth grade and just as proud when I accidentally shot his neighbor Lloyd while I was home from Yale Law School.”

While the furnishing and d├ęcor in her home were obviously very expensive, the candidate herself was dressed in camouflage pants, Walmart work boots and a Philadelphia Eagles tee shirt with several whole and a large ketchup stain on the front. When a reporter asked about the stain, Hillary , smiled shyly, belched a few times, picked her teeth with a pocket knife answering, “Oh this?? I didn’t even notice that. Oh, now I remember. I had a few burritos, a chile dog and fries for breakfast this ~~~BURP~~~ morning. I guess I use a little too much ketchup on my fries”.

As Hillary escorted the reporters out of the multimillion dollar mansion, one of the journalists commented on the art adorning the richly paneled walls. Mrs. Clinton began to smile broadly and, as she scratched her large, flabby ass elaborated saying, “This is a favorite of mine. The dogs playing poker on velvet is a classic. I bought this from a truck stop in Arkansas and believe it is one of the finest works of art ever. Over here”, said the Presidential candidate, “is a gorgeous rendition of Elvis. It is made of small beads Elmer's glued to black velvet. I think it would be a fine addition to the Oval Office.”

As the reporters began to rapidly flee, the yard sale outside appeared to have been a failure. Lanny Davis, one of Hillary’s most ardent, clinging, adoring, homosexual, Jewish supporters sadly commented, “They just wouldn’t buy this beautiful stuff. They are tasteless pagans, republicans, no friends of ours.” Hillary, despite her known affection for the ass-kissing, toe-licking, brown-nosing Lanny Davis, reeled back and punched Mr. Davis as hard as she could in the balls. “Hey, Lanny. Go get me a fuckin’ beer. And while you’re at it, bring my spittoon out here too”, Mrs. Clinton bellowed in a feral tone.

The Clinton Campaign is expected to participate in an event tomorrow night in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Among the activities Mrs. Clinton has announced she will participate in are, the hog castrating competition, the cow flop tossing contest and the Hairiest Chest in the Upper Piedmont Region. Insiders claim that she is a virtual “shoe-in” to win all these events and, perhaps, the Gizzard Eating Glutton-A-Thon as well.

Senator Clinton currently trails behind Senator Obama in national polls by at least 10 percentage points and is dropping steadily in polls conducted in Pennsylvania, Indiana, North Carolina and Puerto Rico.

Copyright TBC © 2008 All Rights Reserved

Monday, April 14, 2008

McCAIN APPEARS BEFUDDLED AT JOURNALIST’S CONFERENCE

GOP CANDIDATE FUMBLES, STUMBLES & AMUSES DURING Q&A
Performance Raises Concerns Among RNC Insiders


(April14, Washington, DC) Presumptive Republican Presidential Nominee, Senator John McCain of Arizona, appeared here this morning partaking in a national conference for reporters and editors. The 71 year old, 4 term Senator made some opening comments and then participated in a lively Question and Answer session with the audience.

Senator McCain wasted no time and added to the controversy surrounding Democratic Presidential hopeful, Senator Barak Obama of Illinois, and comments he made 9 days ago. While speaking at a private fundraiser in Marin County, California, Mr. Obama said that many voters in small towns were “bitter”, prompting them to “cling” to “guns and religion”. Since his comments were made public late last week, he has been under fire from all sides, particularly from his Democratic opponent, Hillary Clinton. He has since apologized for his choice of words but, essential, “stands behind” the “truths” he spoke about.

McCain said that he “doesn’t know” Obama well enough to call him “elitist” but did criticize him nonetheless. “Look, my friends, Barak Obama may have forgotten we are in a war against Islamo-Facists and that terrorism is the transcendent issue of our time. People should be bitter about being in a war we didn’t need to be in, but, we fight them there so we don’t have to fight them here. They should not be bitter just because they lost a job, had there house foreclosed, are paying almost 44 a gallon for gasoline and have no health insurance. These are not reasons to be bitter, my friends; these are reasons to be proud.”

The questions shifted away from Senator Obama and to the war in Iraq. McCain has been a strong, vocal, supporter of the war. When asked about current conditions in Iraq, McCain replied, “Look, my friends, we have Sunnis killing Sunnis, Sonny’s killing Cher’s, Shi’ites, fighting with everybody. But we are making tremendous progress. Iraqi forces have reduced fighting among the Bloods and Crips, Yankees and Red Sox and the first signs of peace have been seen between the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s.” Reporters began to ask for more detailed answers but McCain seemed to be somewhat disoriented and his responses were not relevant to the questions asked.

At one point, McCain was asked about military operations outside Baghdad which had the Senator replying, “My friends, our operations with the Iraqi Security Forces are really restoring order. We have the Turds in the North who really should have their own country but we all know that Turkey would not tolerate Turdistan. Turkey’s have been our allies since the Cola Wars and we need them. The Kurds are Kurds. Turds can take care of themselves.”

A follow up questioner pointed out to the obviously confused Senator, that he had misspoken when he referred to the Kurds as Turds. “Listen, son, I know what the transcendent mission of our lifetime is. Make no mistake about it; Turds, Kurds, birds, and herds all need to get along with the rest of Iran. They should also think about getting along with Iraq. Maybe they all need iPods, iPhones, iMacs, I-beams and Jim Beam.” The audience fell silent as McCain seemed pleased by his own answer and simply stood at the podium grinning out at the crowd. He prodded playfully, “Ok, my friends, whose turn is it now? I lived in Viet Nam for several years and I expect to be asked hard questions, tough questions, the kind of questions that only I have the experience, judgment and character to answer. So go ahead, ask me anything.” He made several funny faces, a rude gesture and burped several times.

A brave reporter from the Associated Press stood and asked the Senator if he was “feeling alright.” McCain began to do a jig, then he lifted the podium and threw it into the audience. “How’s that for an answer? I feel like a rutting buck. Just ask Cindy what we did all weekend. Even if she wasn’t a millionaire heiress, I would’ve married that fine piece of tail. I am ready, willing and fit to do this job. I am ready to follow Osama Bin Laden, John Madden, and Rosie O’Donnell to the gates of hell.”

The next set of questions resumed after the podium was returned to the stage and McCain was given an injection by his physician in attendance. The gathered journalists wanted McCain to elaborate on some of the statements he recently made while on his “Biography Tour”. Asked about his time spent as a Navy pilot training in Florida, the Senator wistfully replied, “My friends, those were the days. I was able to drink, chase women, crash aircrafts and all sorts of real fun things. You know, my father was an Admiral. He did not fight Islamo-Facists like I must, but he did let me wreck cars. Those were happy, innocent days. I lived with a broad once, while overseas”. The questioner inquired if McCain had meant to say he lived ‘abroad’. The Senator began to laugh heartily and then said, “Yes, I was abroad, overseas with a broad. She was a fine gal. I used to fly around all day bombing targets and spend all night abroad with other broads. I was never bored while abroad and certainly never bored abroad when I was with a broad.”

Some of the female journalists in attendance began to complain about McCain’s use of the term “broad” when referring to a woman. “Listen, the transcendent issue of my time is not a broad, a dame, a twist, a tart, a whore, a piece of ass or a pizza pie. You bitches out there don’t know what it’s like to be at war abroad or at war with a broad so, I suggest, my friends, you trust me to know what I will do as President, OK”.

The Senator abruptly, but politely, asked to be excused from further questions because “I have to take a squirt. The old bladder isn’t what it used to be. That’s why I take Flomax, Ex-Lax and Tic-Tacs.” McCain ran off the stage and plans to attend a fundraiser this evening in North Carolina.

Copyright TBC © 2008 All Rights Reserved

Sunday, April 13, 2008

BITTER ROOTS, RAW NERVES & UNMITIGATED GALL

BILL & HIL POUNCE ON OBAMA’S COMMENTS
Hillary Tries Her Hand At “Anti-Elitism” At Indiana Gin mill


(April 13, Grantham, PA) The most dangerous beings in the world are those that are cornered. Be they rat, cat, dog, mongoose, snake or politician, once they perceive danger and threat, they automatically, instinctually become other than their nature. Known as the “Fight or Flight” response, it is biologically hardwired into the neural circuits of virtually every creature on the planet. Perhaps, it is no more acutely, viciously displayed than in the case of a politician watching years of hard work, hopes, aspirations, millions of dollars and a lifetime of ass-kissing not pay off.

The most stunning display of a politician’s brain awash in “Fight or Flight” neurochemicals, is Hillary Clinton. Her descent into the abyss of a lost election and certain insanity, witnessed by the American public, has been startling if not actually frightening. As the suffocating pressure of reality continues to exert itself, Mrs. Clinton continues to respond in a manner that raises ever more serious questions about her mental state. With alarming frequency, she has allowed her brain chemistry, raw emotion and venomous anger dominate her words, actions, and behavior.

Last night in a half-assed “restaurant and lounge” which in reality is no more than a seedy roadside tavern with a short-order cook, Mrs. Clinton engaged in a night of drinking that would have rendered Ted Kennedy comatose. After having spent another pathetic day on the campaign trail blathering incoherently in a very critical, nasty tone, about her front-running opponent, Barak Obama, the 60 year old Democratic Senator appeared in need of relaxation if not intoxication. She was able to achieve stupification.

The candidate and her hapless campaign team had spent the previous 24 hours attempting to convince voters that Senator Obama is an “elitist’. She levied this outrageous charge after comments made by Mr. Obama last weekend at a fundraiser in Marin County, California became public. At that event, Mr. Obama stated that many of the voters living in small towns “cling to guns and religion” and are “bitter” that economic hardships have infiltrated their lives. He also noted that, perhaps, some of such voters “anti-immigration” sentiments are also a product of being “bitter”.

Oddly, the fact that Hillary Clinton was accusing Obama of being an ‘elitist’ seemed even more outlandish given that just earlier last week the income of her and her husband was publicly reported to be $108 million over the last seven years. Since the comments made by Senator Obama have been made public, Clinton and the presumptive GOP candidate, Senator John McCain, have used Obama’s own words against him but, to little or no effect. Current polling data strongly suggests that the ludicrous assertions used to attack Mr. Obama have been pitifully ineffective. “This is all they have. This is all they can do. Senator Obama is close to winning the Democratic nomination and the Clinton campaign can do nothing but spew out more and more lies. Talk about sniper fire! It is sad, in a way, to have to witness the mental breakdown of a sitting United States Senator and a former US President”, commented Marc Axelrod a top Obama advisor.

In her futile attempt to portray herself as “anti-elitist’, she decided to spend the night here at Bronko’s bar. Determined to impress the mostly obese patrons of this dilapidated roadhouse, she began to match them shot for shot and beer for beer. One of her close advisors who remained sober throughout the long, rowdy night, speaking anonymously to the press said, “ She has to appeal to the anti-elite, unemployed, church-going, gun-toting, boilermaker-drinking, white, male, bowlers. The exact demographic so grossly on display here tonight. Look around, these guys she’s drinking with, would rather have leprosy and surgical castration before they’d ever vote for a black man. She knows it, we know it, they know it and now, you know it”.

As is often the case in such settings, the night got off to a very cordial, polite beginning. Mrs. Clinton insisted on starting a tab and was drinking like a freshman frat boy during rush week. As the hours went by and gallons of cheap, tepid beer continued to chase shots of whiskey, some of those present grew somewhat rude, even belligerent if not openly hostile towards Mrs. Clinton. Several of the patrons began to tell her to “Shut the fuck up”. Some of the more centrist drinkers repeatedly requested that Hillary “Jump up on the bar, shake your ass and show us your boobies”.

The former First Lady politely demurred from those requests but, not wanting to alienate any voters, she suggested they all participate in drinking games and a belching contest. Mrs. Clinton easily won all the drinking games and fought a tough battle with a local, unemployed manure tank cleaner, Sheldon “Slug” Borchstenslammer, to capture the belching contest.

While the crowd cheered on her belching victory, Mrs. Clinton defiantly, loudly and repetitively broke wind. It seemed as if the fact that Hillary was producing more flatulence than a herd of fat heifers, gave the others present permission to do the same.

Soon, Bronko’s resembled the campfire scene in ‘Blazing Saddles’ both audibly and aromatically. Shortly, several fist fights broke out and the crowd became restless. Quickly, Mrs. Clinton’s Secret Service detail moved to extricate her from the growing violence and chaos but she resisted. She was seen smacking one Secret Service agent in the head with a pitcher of beer and choked another with his own neck tie.

Federal, state and local law enforcement personnel responded to the scene. It took them several hours, numerous canisters of tear gas, attack dogs and excessive force to disperse the crowd.

Mrs. Clinton will appear here tonight in Grantham, on the campus of Messiah College, where she will participate with her opponent, Barak Obama, in the Compassion Forum. "The Compassion Forum will give the candidates a chance to talk straight to voters about what they'll do as president to fulfill God's command that we be our brothers' keepers," said Governor Mike Huckabee, a supporter of the event. "I'm proud that the faith community is taking the lead in asking the candidates to confront the most pressing moral challenges of our times."

Some close advisors have quietly expressed concern about Mrs. Clinton’s ability to be articulate at tonight's Forum after a night of such heavy drinking. One of her oldest friends, speaking not for attribution commented, “She’ll be just fine. Hillary is no stranger to drinking. She will be on time, on message and on alot of drugs. She will certainly wear an extra adult diaper, drink a can or two more of Ensure than usual, and do just brilliantly”.

Others, including Hillary’s husband, Bill Clinton, are not as confident. It was only days ago that Mr. Clinton told a crowd in Boonville, Indiana some of the details of his wife’s long list of physical and mental disorders. “This has been tough on her. She’s deteriorating daily. At 3 o’clock in the morning, she can’t even find the phone let alone speak. So what, so she had a few belts last night. What’s the big deal? I’m more worried about her exhaustion, gas and rickets. Hail, she’s used to drinking like a warrior. She is a regular gal. She bowls, belches, drinks and still firmly believes in tax breaks for the middle class, the war in Iraq and that somebody tried to shoot her in Bosnia in 1995. She’s the only one in this race with those kind of qualifications,” vigorously stated mr. Clinton in defense of his wife. ‘You just watch. She’ll be able to hold it together for as long as this Forum takes. After that, that’s none of your business”.

Copyright © 2008 TBC All Rights Reserved