Friday, July 11, 2008


(July, 11, NY, NY) It appears that with each passing day, each gaffe, misstep, miscue or tough question, the presumptive GOP presidential nominee is not only loosing his once Teflon luster but is being exposed as just another corrupted, arrogant politician whose time to retire has come. Once hailed as a “maverick” by the press and pundits, a darling of the media when he first ran for president in 2000, McCain is proving to be not just an inept campaigner but also a liar who surrounds himself with hand-picked cranks, crooks, cronies and ruthless morons so far out of touch with the reality of America today that they all might as well live in Oz. Indeed, the wizard of the “Straight Talk Express” is looking more and more sham than champion, less and less like an “outsider”, and as adept at the lie, extrapolation, exaggeration and hubris as the most masterful of politicians. The “Straight Talk Express” has hit the ditch and is picking up speed.

Thanks to his senatorial legacy and recent comments, top McCain adviser, former Texas Senator and ET look-a-like, Phil Gramm, is doing his best to run the McCain candidacy into oblivion. McCain once called Gramm, a PhD and former economics professor “a genius”, David Corn of Mother Jones Magazine has dubbed him “Foreclosure Phil.” In a brilliant expose’ by Corn published on May 28, 2008 in Mother Jones, the true legacy of Gramm is laid out in detail. From his crafty maneuvering of anti-regulatory, pro-business, loophole laden legislation, his relationship with lobbyists and Enron, who donated millions to Gramm over many years, his essential role in the current mortgage crisis and the global financial collapses roiling economies around the world to this day, Phil Gramm is among the most vile, corrupt, arrogant and pitifully ugly men to ever serve in Congress. The repercussions, the longevity of what Gramm managed to pull off in the Senate as well as while a consultant for banking giant UBS will take years to be appreciated. The number of homeowners destroyed? Who knows? Today, for the first time in 2 years the Dow Jones Industrial Index fell below 11,000 due in large part to the huge losses announced by Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the 2 huge mortgage lenders who function with an “implicit, but not assured, government guarantee.” Phil Gramm has his fingerprints all over the legislation that set up this disaster.

This economic powerhouse, McCain’s “genius” may be the single most responsible person for what has the potential to be a systemic economic collapse that reverberates through banks, markets and economies across the globe. Yesterday, Mr. Gramm called America a “nation of whiners”. He was further quoted as reported in today’s New York Times in a piece written by Michael Cooper as saying that the United States was only in a “mental recession”. Candidate McCain, speaking in Belleville, Michigan, a state hit particularly hard by job losses and an economic recession, tried to distance himself from his good friend and economic adviser’s comments. One laid off manhole cover fabricator, Stanley Browserka, upon being told about Gramm’s comments said, “The only time anyone I know whines, especially my children, is when they see his big, ugly face on the TV. He scares the hell out of them. Me too”.

The incoherence of message, the disarray in the McCain campaign grows more profound every day. Reporters traveling with McCain have noticed increasing episodes of mood swings, beer drinking and talking to himself. McCain was allegedly overheard by a reporter saying that “I would like to cut the nuts of a bunch of people. Maybe cut the ears off some one too.” The Democratic candidate, Barak Obama, on the stump in Fairfax, Virginia was quick to point out some of the many position and policy inconsistencies of McCain. Referencing Gramm’s comments, Obama said, “You know, America already has one Dr. Phil. When it comes to the economy, we don’t need another.” As the McCain campaign continues to flounder, the obvious beneficiary is Senator Obama. Now that he has made “peace” with former rival Hillary Clinton, he seems to have adapted well to general election mode. One close adviser to Obama said anonymously, “If anyone is going to have their nuts cut off, I bet you, it will not be Barak Obama. You can take that to the bank.”

Foreclosure Phil Mother Jones article by David Corn

McCain Advisor Refers to 'Nation of Whiners' NYT article by Michael Cooper

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Secret Service & Capitol Police Add “Ball Squads”

(July 11, Washington, DC)  Just days after the public airing of Jesse Jackson’s desire to “cut” Barak Obama’s “nuts off”, dozens of male congressmen, senators and other political staffers have reportedly received threats to have their nuts cuts off.  The Secret Service and Capitol Police have seen such a startling upsurge in threats against politicians that they have added additional units of agents and officers they have dubbed “Ball Squads”.  “We cannot have all the men in Congress fearful of having their balls cut off or otherwise violently removed”, said Captain Otis Pitts of the Capitol Hill Police. 

Some of the Congressmen, aside from upgrading their personal protective details have taken to wearing specially designed devices to protect their testicles.  The John Bobbet Family Jewel Protector, manufactured and marketed by a small company in Kentucky, has received an unprecedented number of orders for the device.  “What we make here is more or less a glorified jock strap”, commented Merle Venables, CEO of Bobbet Manufacturing.  He added “What we basically do is take your standard all purpose protective cup and jock strap overlay several layers of Kevlar on it and reinforce it with a steel plate.  Son, our device will protect your unit from a direct hit from a shoulder fired missile.  Ain’t none of our customers getting’ castrated or such.  You can bet your bal…ah, ass on that!”
As several pallet loads of these devices were being delivered to the Capitol’s service entrance by an anonymous UPS driver, he commented “Hey, tell you the truth, I never knew any of these guys had balls.”

The Congressmen who have received or order a protective device of their own is a closely guarded secret.  Mr. Venables said he had to sign a federal confidentiality agreement and, if he were to violate it, he could loose his own balls.  Venables, proudly displaying his own protective device under his blue jeans said he could not even reveal the number of devices that were being shipped to Washington.  “All I can say is that far as I know, ain’t none being delivered to the White House.”

Agent Gordon I. Knott of the Secret Service said that not all of the recent rash of threats were directed at male members of Congress, not all threatened castration and that several female members were threatened with other “forms of bodily harm, mutilation, violation, desecration and emasculation.”  Inside sources have revealed that NY Senator Chuck Schumer received a threatening call to have a “pipe shoved up yur ass.”  Senator Bond of Missouri, Russ Feingold of Wisconsin and Dick Durbin of Illinois have all been threatened “to be beaten to a pulp, spit on and then beaten some more.”  Agent Knott commented, “This is a disturbing trend.  We have to get and stay on top of this series of threats until the threat level drops to a level less threatening.  Then, we can investigate.  I am deeply troubled by all of this especially since my vacation was scheduled to begin tomorrow.”

Addressing the threats against female members of Congress, Special Agent Emelia Dike stated, “Some of the lady members of both the House and Senate have received threats.  Some involved beatings, slapping, ass-biting, ear-biting, assorted kicks, punches, some hair pulling, eye gouging and one threat of genital mutilation.  We are doing everything in our power to protect these women and I am personally over seeing the direct security of several of them.  As long as this Dike is on the job, no one will get at these women except me.”

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Thursday, July 10, 2008


(July 10, On the Trail) Answering questions from reporters here yesterday, GOP presidential presumptive candidate was caught off guard. When asked why some health insurance plans cover the erectile dysfunction tablet, Viagra for men while refusing women the same financial co-payments for contraception, the Arizona wing nut showed every reason why he is unfit to be our next president. In recent days much greater scrutiny has revealed stark contrasts between what he says on the campaign trail as opposed to his actual voting record in the Senate.

The contraception versus Viagra comparison was introduced earlier by Carly Fiorini, the former CEO of Hewlett-Packard and a vocal McCain advisor and surrogate. Apparently Ms. Fiorini has far more experience with contraception than she does with Viagra while the opposite may be true for Mr. McCain. He tried to duck and dodge the insurance coverage aspect of the question and appeared somewhat nervous about admitting to using Viagra in vast, liberal doses. “I am...I have not bought Viagra from the Internet nor do I think the government should support a women’s right to take innocent life. I, was...once, I mean I had a harder line on both issues once. My good friend and fellow friend, Bob Dole, now, he takes Viagra but, well…my friends compare his wife to mine. Now, one line is somewhat harder than the other. Many more men suffer from ED than women who should get contraceptives. That is, has always been and will always be my position until the polls show otherwise.”

With that barely coherent gibberish, the addled Arizona Senator was escorted away by his wife, Cindy, 24 years his junior. She too ignored all the Viagra questions. She did, however, allude to possessing unique “skills” that were more effective against “erectile dysfunction than any pill.”

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FBI Also Considers Charges

July 10, Washington, DC) The top Secret Service Agent charged with protecting presidential candidates, Vernon Dahnck, told reporters at a Treasury Department press conference that, “Protecting our presidential candidates is a sacred duty. We consider the recent televised threats to Senator Barak Obama to be serious. We are announcing today the issuance of an arrest warrant for Reverend Jesse Jackson. His threat to maliciously castrate Mr. Obama has to be taken as a legitimate threat.”

Agent Dahnck was referring to the remarks made by Jess Jackson prior to an interview with FOX News. Allegedly, Jackson claims to have “not realized” that the microphone was “on”. While speaking candidly, in a whisper, to another guest prior to the televised interview, Jackson said he should”cut” Obama’s “nuts off”. Jackson, a former civil rights activists, self appointed voice of black folks, political agitator and overall freeloader also said that some comments Obama delivered on Father’s day were “talking down” to black people.

The candid, off camera exchange was televised by FOX last night at the beginning of the Bill O’Reilly Show. Since made public, Jackson has taken resounding, harsh criticism. Rebukes from all sides of the political spectrum, punditry and particularly African-American leaders in the DNC and beyond, have unanimously expressed anger and outrage over Jackson’s comments. His own son, a Democratic Congressmen from Chicago, Jesse Jackson, Jr., repudiated the remarks his father made.

Reverend Jackson himself has spent the past 20 hours heavily engaged in a major “damage control” effort. After his long, often controversial career in public life, it appears at the moment he has few friends or supporters who have not distanced themselves from him. At this particular point in history, just as Senator Obama is poised to be the first African American presidential candidate of a major party, with a good chance of actually becoming our next President, most African American politicos, religious leaders, and community elders have decided to “steer clean of that old fool”, said the Reverend Dr. Burton Silus Meadows of the First A.U.M. Church of His Savior’ Son in Harlem, NY. Mr. Jackson has offered a public apology to Senator Obama which, Obama says “has been accepted.”

According to high ranking sources in the Justice Department, FBI Director Robert Mueller has discussed the legal components of possible charges his agency could bring against Mr. Jackson. This same source, speaking not for attribution continued, “Heck, the FBI has wanted to nail this guy’s ass since J. Edgar Hoover’s time. This would be a real feather in our hat”.

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