Saturday, September 8, 2007

BUSH VOWS TO END KOREAN WAR

Speaking to reporters at the Asian Pacific Economic Conference (APEC) in Australia this week, United States President, G.W. Bush announced his intention to “end” the Korean War. Reactions to this statement from world leaders expressed a high level of confusion, skepticism and dismay. Australian Prime Minister John Howard seemed somewhat surprised and said “I did not realize there was a Korean War going on”.

While technically North and South Korea have been locked in a stalemate since the 1953 , the United States and North Korea signed an armistice agreement thereby ending 3 years of military conflict on the Korean peninsula and creating the Korean Demilitarized Zone (DMZ) at the 38th parallel effectively dividing the troubled peninsula into two autonomous nations. “The , ah...DMZ...the Korean War must come to an end. I believe this war should end and I plan on ending it when the generals on the ground tell me to end it. I won’t play politics with this Korean thing no matter who says what” stated President Bush. His aides and members of his cabinet seem to have been caught off guard by his tough rhetoric. The Pentagon, according to anonymous insiders, is scrambling to prepare for whatever contingencies the president decides on. General Cal Amity of the US Army told reporters that “We are prepared to do whatever our Decider tells us to do. We think we can end this Korean mess quickly...once the Koreans stand up we can stand down or stand aside. Once we put boots on the ground we will kick Korean ass into next year. We can do this...I think”.

President Bush elaborated on his comments later in the day at a hastily called press conference. “I know we can kick ass...and make no mistake about it, asses need to be...um...kicked. Democracy is spreading and Koreans love to spread it...they , all...um God loving people, even those who do not believe in God or anything...should....um...must have the chance to be free and spread...”, the president told reporters. The press conference quickly devolved into a raucous shouting match as the press corps hammered Bush about his abject failures to end the war in Iraq. Bush responded angrily and said at one point that “hey, I’m gonna do first things first...ah...this...the Korea thing has been going on for a long time...I think we need, ah, I need to be a leader and lead us and them outta this mess for the good of all good people. If we don’t defeat the Koreans in Korea they will follow us home because they hate our lifestyle, they hate our food and movies...hell, they don’t even like NASCAR”.

North Korean Ambassador to the United Nations, Fuk duh Duk strongly condemned Mr. Bush’s comments and said ‘I tink Boosh have head up ass and need to keep mouf shut. He don’t know Koreans like US movies, Starsky Hutch, Wheel of Fortune and Oprah. Boosh have problem in Iraq, not wit Korea”. White House spokesman Tony Snow said that “the president did not necessarily say he wanted to end the Korean War. If you look closely at his comments he made it clear that the war must end but no time table was indicated. He has long thought that benchmarks were needed and he will now seek to find and establish those benchmarks”.

Friday, September 7, 2007

WHAT ABOUT FRED?

The latest entrant in the quest for the Republican Presidential nomination, former Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson, began his campaign today here in Iowa. It was also revealed today that his given name is actually “Freddie”. He spoke in Des Moines and Council Bluffs before relatively small, seemingly bored, unimpressed crowds of Iowans, predominately retired farmers with their spouses and others who had nothing better to do. If this was the premiere of Freddie’s stump speech he had better hire some new speech writers. Laden with clich├ęs and platitudes, the part time movie and TV actor gave a less than enthusiastic, lackluster performance.

With so many Republicans having very high hopes for Fred’s candidacy, perhaps all should exercise caution before anointing him. After all, what exactly do we really know about Mr. Thompson? His resume, politically, is basically grossly unremarkable. During his years in the Senate he did not distinguish himself in any way legislatively, on committee assignments or otherwise. He left the Senate to resume his on-again, off-again acting career. What does this say about him? Maybe it says nothing but it may be symptomatic of a restlessness, lack of motivation, short attention span or a host of other maladies or quirks that are not desirable in a man seeking our nation’s highest office. Even in his youth, after acting as Senate Republican Counsel during the impeachment proceedings of Richard Nixon, when he could have capitalized on his exposure and visibility, he chose instead to leave Washington, politics, and government to follow other pursuits. Indeed, we have had a Washington D.C. for far too long populated by career politicians, men and women who have never held a real job in their lives. Mr. Thompson’s pseudo-outsider status may be an asset. His previous disengagement's from politics could possibly represent a lack of passion and it has long been widely acknowledged that Presidential candidates must be possessed by a feverish passion for that which they seek. One cannot even campaign effectively absent a burning desire, a real, visceral taste for the game.

In Des Moines today, Fred mentioned that his “preseason” is over and he is ready to get on with his campaign. That may be so but was not very well received by the Iowans present. After all he had not spent the last few months criss crossing the state, eating pork tenderloins and corn dogs, speaking in stifling church basements and Moose lodges. He was not a participant in the Iowa Straw Poll last month which, while absolutely meaningless, still holds weight with local party members - those most likely to brave a frigid January night to caucus. Yes, Fred has his work cut out for him. Will he be able to raise money and assemble a viable organization sufficiently sophisticated and effective to operate in this condensed primary season? Time will tell and it will tell shortly. If he approaches this race, handles his candidacy as just another “role”, he might initially find some traction among our TV drama saturated populace but he must begin to express his ideas and opinions regarding the real issues, challenges and complex problems our next President will confront.

Posted by Monk, our political man in Iowa, for The Brooding Cynyx

Thursday, September 6, 2007

THOMPSON ENDS HOLDOUT

Former Senator Enters Presidential Race


Former Tennessee Republican Senator, Fred Thompson entered the Presidential race tonight during an appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. The already crowded and unimpressive field now adds the part time movie and TV actor to its roster. He enters the race with a remarkable measure of support in national and state polls. He had placed as high as second in polls in Iowa and New Hampshire prior to making his formal announcement. He was able to remain above the fray, in a sense, semi participating in the campaign while safely out of the line of fire. That will all change tomorrow.

Thompson, or perhaps the idea of Thompson, had great appeal for many Republican primary voters less than enthusiastic with the current batch of announced candidates. However, as he remained on the sidelines, a lurking presence, some of that goodwill evaporated. Rather than enter the race during his moment of greatest, spontaneous support, he chose to hold out until after Labor Day for reasons clear only to his closest aides and himself. Like the top round draft pick who holds out and misses the preseason, Thompson will have some catching up to do in both organization and fund raising as well as on the stump. It is one thing to be a phantom candidate, a potential candidate and an actual candidate. He may quickly discover just how much he has missed during his prolonged hold out.