Thursday, October 30, 2008

JOE-MANIA SWEEPS THE NATION

WURZELBACHER STANDS TO REAP MILLIONS
From Obscurity to International Fame In A Flash


The most popular American in the civilized world:
Hero, plumber, dupe, dope and heart throb,
Joe the Plumber.

(Oct.30, Defiance, OH) Not since Elvis “The Pelvis” Presley exploded on the Rock n’ Roll scene; not since the birth control pill ushered in the era of free love; not since Silly Putty, The Frisbee, WWF, or the fry Daddy has there been a phenomenon like “Joe The Plumber”. Joe Wurzelbacher, a barely literate, tax evading, bald headed, unlicensed plumber was thrust into the limelight by happenstance and has captured the imagination of the nation, if not the world, in a matter of a few short weeks. His chance encounter with Barak Obama at a campaign rally near Toledo proved to be the catalyst for Joe’s meteoric blast into celebrityhood.

John McCain yanked this dimwitted, chrome domed, goof ball from anonymity during the last Presidential debate by invoking his name dozens of times as the de facto representative of “every man”, the “common man”, the salt of the earth, family values, hard working, God fearing John Q. Public’s that are the backbone of this nation. Since that fateful night, Joe has become iconic; his every word eaten up by the press and public alike. Joe has almost instantaneously become the most popular American in America. His image is plastered everywhere around the world, respected by billions, held in the highest esteem as the living, breathing symbol of baseball, apple pie, Budweiser and the American dream.

Although he missed a campaign appearance with John McCain here this morning due to a wretched hang over, this larger than life buffoon draws unprecedented adoring crowds numbering into the hundreds of thousands where ever he appears. As McCain introduced Joe the Absent, once he realized the wildly popular superstar was not in attendance, he set the crowd on fire saying “well, Joe, thanks for all you’ve done for America.” Old women were seen fainting, younger women were whipped into a frenzy at the mere mention of his name. Men of all ages placed their hands over their hearts pledging allegiance to The Flag and Joe the Plumber. Some in the crowd were seen weeping; others shrieked. Several teenage girls began to tear their clothes off and speak in tongues. Their adoration for Joe, the desire to be in proximity to that inspiring Unclogger, seemed to be driving some of the fevered throngs to madness. Not since The Beatles arrived in America, the Paris Hilton sex tape hit You Tube, or OJ Simpson led LAPD on a low speed chase after butchering his wife, have the masses of Americans been so captivated by a man. Young and old sacrifice life and limb merely to get the chance to touch him, catch a glimpse of him; some, just to be in his presence and hear with their own hungry ears his words of wisdom, patriotism and utter banality.

Corporations, businesses and manufacturers of all types are desperately pursuing Joe to endorse their products or services. Joe is currently being represented by the publicist who counts such stellar, universally recognized, powerhouse entertainers such as John Sedaca, Leon Redbone, AAron Tippin, Carrot Top and Merle Haggard.
Frank Lee Crass, the world renowned media consultant,who has advised Mega-stars including Hulk Hogan, Fats Domino, Kato Kalin, Senator Larry Craig, Ted Bundy, Al Bundy and Ruth Buzzy, has been retained as a member of Team Plumber. Crass met with reporters this afternoon at the Defiance Moose Lodge. “ Joe Wurzelbacher is already bigger than Michael Jordan, Jeffry Dahmer, Brittany Spears, Bob Novak, Michael Jackson and Madonna combined. His earning potential from endorsements, speaking engagements, his country music career, the book he will right and the vast ocean of opportunity he now sails on, will make him one of the richest, best known men on the planet”, Crass noted. He continued, “I can tell you just a few of the offers already pouring in. some of which Joe already has signed contracts for are: Hormel will launch a new liverwurst called ‘Wurzelwurst’, Oscar Meyer ‘Wurzels’ will be in your grocers spam and scrapple aisle shortly, and 432 ‘Wurzelburger’ outlets will open in all 50 states by Christmas. Bill Gates has agreed to change his company’s name to ‘Wurzelsoft’, Volkswagen will be known as ‘Wurzelwagon’ and the City of Winston-Salem, North Carolina has enacted legislation to change it’s name to ‘Wurzel’-Salem, NC. Folks, this is only the beginning”, a beaming Crass shouted.

Hollywood has also been smitten by the knuckle dragging toilet specialist and is planning several projects featuring Joe. Warner Brothers Studios is working on a remake of the 1970’s detective show “Kojak”, with Joe in the title role. Universal Pictures has already inked a deal to have Joe reprise the role made famous by Arnold Schwartzenegger and plans to release “The Wurzelnator” by next summer.

Random House announced just hours ago that Joe will author a series of children’s books, which may lead to a Nickelodeon series entitled, “Joe the Toe”, which of course will star Wurzelbacher. Wurzelbacher will open on Broadway in the famous role played so brilliantly for decades by Yul Brenner, in a star studded revival of “The King and I” updated to “The Plumber and I”.

The only criticism the overwhelming demonstrations of admiration, adulation and agitation Joe is receiving, has come from the campaign of Barak Obama. Joe Axlerose, chief strategist for Obama said, “ While we appreciate the American public’s inexplicable love affair with Joe the mope, we are concerned that he now has a larger Secret Service protective detail than Senator Obama. The Secret Service has taken agents from Obama’s detail and reassigned them to the Joe detail. We find this troubling. Maybe in the future some deranged or even sane people will seek to assassinate Joe, but for now, it seems that Barak Obama might face a greater threat. Wurzelbacher’s misshapen heads looks bullet proof. I assure you, Obama’s is not nearly as thick.”

Copyright TBC 2008 © All Rights Reserved
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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

THE GOOD SHIP USS GOP TAKES ON MORE WATER

McPalin Slip Slidin’ Away

Alaska Republican Senator Ted Stevens
Telling reporters how many bribes he took during an average week.


“…and the nearer your destination, the more
You’re slip slidin’ away.”

Paul Simon

(Oct.27, Hershey, PA) Ted Stevens, the 84 year old Republican Senator from Alaska, was found guilty yesterday on seven felony counts of giving false statements to Congress. These falsehoods were the Senator’s vain efforts trying to hide illegal gifts he received from an oil tycoon and Here today, the GOP Presidential candidate, John McCain called for sleazy, fossilized, corrupt and demented Stevens to resign his Senate seat. Stevens, also known as “The King of Pork” for his ability to deliver continually disproportional amounts of federal money for pork barrel projects to his state of under 700,000 residents. While McCain campaign operatives are beginning to accept the impending landslide that will bury their candidate, some were outspoken regarding the additional damage Steven’s conviction inflicts to the Republican Party just eight days before the election. “Ted Stevens is a true Republican, a real American scumbag, sleaze ball, crooked, greedy hack. The fact that he has been a long time friend of John McCain’s does hurt us at a time we can ill afford even more baggage”, commented a high ranking McCain staff member speaking on the condition of anonymity.

The addled senate veteran, Stevens, pled not guilty to all charges and vowed last tonight to “return home on Wednesday” to fight for his re-election. The specifics of the charges of corruption and bribe taking, influence peddling and felonious stupidity were all related to Stevens taking gifts and services from people in Alaska who had business pending before a committee Stevens chairs. “These gifts, which, in all honesty, amounted to some real crap, were definitely given with the intention of having some return from Stevens. Not only was this a “quid pro quo” arrangement, it was just pitifully stupid. Some of the shit Stevens accepted, like hideously awful furniture, would not even be allowed in a consignment shop. This guy took crap, junk and trash for what? You’d think he’d been bright enough to at least benefit from the bribes he took”, said Assistant Federal Prosecutor Dillard P. Dillon.

Fellow Alaskan and McCain running mate, Governor Sarah Palin, who was politically mentored by the moronic Stevens, did not support McCain in his suggestion for Steven’s the convict to cease his re-election bid and resign from the Senate. “You betchya, I think Ted Stevens is a great man. He’s been good for America, big oil, big business and most importantly for Alaska, Alaskans and himself. Only the out of touch media elite think that a man should resign from the Senate just because he was convicted of seven felonies. What has that got to do with anything?” screamed Palin during this afternoon’s campaign rally.

Stevens’ conviction was just the latest torpedo to strike below water level to the Republican ship which has been listing for weeks. As McCain’s presidential campaign continues to implode, the election prospects for all GOP incumbents is grim. The entire Republican Party finds themselves precariously perched on the sagging shoulders of John McCain. As their standard-bearer, McCain, Captain of their doomed ship, must remain on the bridge. Maritime tradition dictates the he go down with his ship. Hopefully, he will take down the balance of the Republican incumbents with him. After the last air bubbles roil the surface of the sea, no sign will be visible of the hulking wreckage now submerged forever in Davy Jone’s locker.

Copyright TBC 2008 © All Rights Reserved

Monday, October 27, 2008

UNBRANDED RANGE ANIMALS

SHITTY 1970’S FORD AUTOMOBILES:
OTHER MAVERICKS THAT SHOULD NOT BE PRESIDENT



A 1971 Ford Maverick where they were most commonly seen:
in the junkyard.


(Oct.27, Phlegm, OH) With a eight days left in this contentious presidential election campaign, perhaps the GOP ticket of John McCain and Sarah Palin, may want to consider the fate of other ‘mavericks’. Both of these Republicans have been campaigning as self proclaimed “mavericks” as if this designation especially qualifies them to be paradigm-breaking agents of change if elected. This argument, on its face, is total bullshit. John McCain is a 30 year veteran of Washington DC and has breathed the rarified air available only to a creature of the comfortably cocooned and removed surreal world “inside the beltway” life provides. Palin, the Governor of Alaska is indeed a beltway outsider however; she is also out of her mind. She is as ill equipped to be Vice President of the United States as a moose (no matter how well dressed a moose she is).

Those facts aside, it is oddly interesting that the Republican ticket employs the term “maverick” hoping to imply a renegade spirit to their electoral quest. The renegade approach usually connotes a certain measure of recklessness, chance taking, unconventional thought that often proves riskier than appropriate. Daredevils, gamblers, bungee jumpers, thrill seekers, jackasses and imbeciles of all stripes can afford to be mavericks. The President and Vice President of the United States can not. George W. Bush has been enough of an unbranded range animal,(imbecile and jackass), inflicting his renegade mind set yielding tremendous damage domestically and internationally. The world has witnessed exactly what his messianic, cowboy mentality reaped. McPalin have clearly exhibited their desires to continue in Boy George’s footsteps if not chart new waters of reckless stupidity, stubborn single-minded arrogance and shoot from the hip foreign policy. The Bush Administration’s handling of the recent financial crisis as well as their two wars, the war on terrorism, and Hurricane Katrina (to name just a few) has proven disastrous. These monumental errors of omission and commission, have served as positive proof that the renegade approach is doomed to fail abysmally.

An unbranded range animal such as a horse can be referred to as a maverick. Usually, mavericks of this type are “broken” by severe corporal punishment and the generalized use of brute force such as whippings, beatings, forced mounts, and electric prods. The Bushie’s have seen where similar tactics like water boarding, torture and trampling civil rights have left them. McPalin: take heed.

Ford Motor Company replaced the popular sedan model, Valiant, in 1966 with the Maverick, marketed as an affordable, dependable, economy car. In its 12 years of production it turned out to be a piece of shit of epic proportions, almost as big a lemon as other boneheaded Ford failures such as the Pinto and Edsel, the AMC Rambler and Pacer and NASA’s Skylab.

Hopefully, this coming Tuesday, McPalin will be trounced. The American public should recognize a “lemon” when they see it whether it be a car or a presidential ticket.

Copyright TBC 2008 © All Rights Reserved

Sunday, October 26, 2008

HENRY WAXMAN

PROOF POSITIVE THAT LOOKS DON’T MATTER IN POLITICS
Just a Little Something To Get Off Our Chest








Representative Henry Waxman arguably the ugliest Member of Congress.

(Oct.24, Washington, DC) Since the first televised presidential debate in 1960 between John F. Kennedy and Richard M. Nixon, political commentators and pundits alike refer to that event as the advent of the candidate’s physical appearance in electoral politics. In that grainy, unsteady black and white cathode ray tube delivered telecast, the young, vibrant appearing JFK was a marked contrast to the sweating, five o’clock shadowed, somewhat sinister looking RMN. After the debate some noted how clever the Kennedy camp had been in choosing the future President’s wardrobe. JFK wore a suit that flattered him against the dark backdrop while Nixon wore a suit that gave the impression that he was part of the background. From that time forward, the physical attributes, the appearance of those seeking elected office has become more and more a factor. Much of this development is simply a reflection of our appearance oriented society; our culture of celebrity, beauty and superficiality. Additionally, it is in our nature to make rapid judgments about people based purely on first impression and appearance. We all make many such assessments daily often without even realizing it. We get a “feeling”, a “sense” of a person simply by what we see.

Despite the gravity of the challenges our next President will inherit, this campaign has devolved to such a low level, that some of the candidate’s physicality has entered into the equation. Again, part of this is human nature; the fact that it has taken on the significance it has is disturbing. John McCain and Barak Obama are stark contrasts in appearance as are Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. Unfortunately much of the debate involving Governor Palin’s place on the GOP ticket has lately been solely about trivialities such as make-up, hair style and wardrobe. Perhaps because she is a women the media and public has found license to critique her abilities, or lack thereof, on her appearance.

The physical appeal of a candidate is important to many people. Taller politicians win more often than shorter candidates. All candidates make a concerted effort to present themselves as being fit, lively, physically active and healthy. Ronald Reagan would not even wear his eyeglasses in public for fear he would look “old”. Candidates usually air TV ads showing them engaged in a variety of physical activities such as biking, jogging or horseback riding. This is intended to portray a specific image and impart a distinct message on the voting public. There is no “hard” evidence that it is effective however, there are many indications that it is often persuasive.

Stepping away from the high stakes realm of Presidential politics, it is hard to deny that on the Congressional level, constituents apparently put little or no emphasis on the physical appearance of their Representatives and Senators. A cursory glance at the photos of actively serving members of Congress clearly illustrates this point. Some of the ugliest people in America somehow manage to get elected and remain in office. It is not just the ugliness factor itself; it is the behavior of ugly people once given some measure of power or authority. Ugly people seem to use the power of their elected office to compensate for being physically unattractive people who would be nothing more than ugly anonymous people working in some low profile profession. They would be mean, bitter, resentful people in that realm as well but their meanness, bitterness and restfulness would have limited impact on others.

Given the fact that our society is so appearance oriented if not obsessed, ugly people have a difficult time. Many scientific studies provide ample evidence that less attractive people are not as well accepted by their peers beginning at an early age. Often they are outcasts, ostracized, excluded and sometimes bullied well beyond adolescence. As they reach adulthood, many have had such painful experiences that they enter their professional lives with unusually high levels of anger often manifest in passive / aggressive ways. A leading expert on the socialization hurdles, psychological impact, self image / self esteem dysfunctions that plague ugly people Dr. Lance A. Boyle, MD, PhD, Director Sociologic Psychology at UCLA says, “ People who have been considered unattractive all their lives tend to emerge from their formative years with a host of neurosis sometimes psychosis as well as behavioral issues that leave them with poor socialization skills, an inability to have healthy interpersonal interactions and attitude problems. Ugly looking people are more inclined to be ugly-acting people than are those less ugly or attractive. Even plain looking people fair far better in life than do the profoundly ugly. It is no small coincidence that some of the ugliest Americans seek elected office or other positions of power over others. They often use that power in a vindictive, mean-spirited fashion”.

The results of a rigorously conducted, ground and wind breaking study by the University of Virginia School of Political Science, a research team headed by Dr. Lorraine V. Hixson, who has studied the physical appearance and behavior of elected officials since 1970, was able to prove the strong correlation between the ugliness of a politician and their legislative agenda. “Our research leads to the conclusion that the homeliest members of Congress tended to be the most difficult, recalcitrant, narrow minded, petty and spiteful. When the really ugliest achieved a position of prominence such as Chairmanship of a Committee or sub-Committee, they went after good looking people with a vengeance. They were more likely to subpoena better looking people, investigate matters in which physicality was involved and basically had voting records that showed them to be against many bills that would serve the public good. Utilizing novel techniques in our research such as the Basic Appearance Reactionary Factor (BARF) and the Median Ugliness Threshold Test (MUTT) we were able to link the ugliness of the Congress person with their voting record. Not surprisingly we found more ugly Republicans than Democrats however; the difference was not clinically or statistically significant. In the Senate we found Mitch McConnell (R) score the highest in both BARF and MUTT. Ted Stevens (R), Arlen Spector (R), Elizabeth Dole (R), and Barbara Boxer (D) had impressive MUTT and BARF. We found the House of Representatives to have an astoundingly ugly membership. Henry Waxman (D) was by far the ugliest, meanest legislator every measured. He blew the roof off MUTT and BARF. Additionally, we found his behavior as Chairman of the House Oversight Committee to be deplorable. He has used his power to pursue and investigate a wide range of people that he is much uglier than particularly those who have succeeded in fields of endeavor ugly Waxman could never compete. He investigated steroid use in Major League Baseball, Janet Jackson’s Nipple Slip during the Super Bowl, and tried to end health insurance coverage for plastic and reconstructive surgery. He is clearly an extremely disturbed man and his ugliness his profound. We showed young children his photograph and the overwhelming majority of them wept, vomited, passed out, and experienced rectal and urinary incontinence. Some of their parents reported profound, long term psychological impairment. One of the exposed children committed suicide after beating two of his ugliest classmates with a shovel.”

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