Sunday, November 11, 2007


Public Wants Prez Candidates to take Polygraph and MMA Challenge

Des Moines, IA (Nov.11, 2007) Every November the Democratic State Party of Iowa hosts the Jefferson-Jackson dinner. Normally, this is a fund raising event and an opportunity for rising stars in the Party to introduce themselves to the public in a state that takes retail politics seriously. During a presidential campaign season, even more emphasis is assigned to this unusually bland and staid affair. Last night was anything but normal or usual here.

Outside the Veterans Memorial Arena where upwards of 9000 Party activists gathered to hear six democratic presidential hopefuls speak, the scene was raucous and rowdy. As the unseasonably mild night progressed, tempers flared, and various groups of protesters erupted into an angry, violent mob. The des Moines Police were caught off guard by this atypical scene. It was reported later that most of the DMPD officers assigned to the event were actually inside the arena eating some of the left over brautwursts, shredded pork, corn dogs, corn fritters and creamed corn from the earlier banquet. “Had all the cops who should have stayed on their assigned posts outside the arena, things would probably have not gotten so out of hand so quickly”, commented Major Burle Bumphfiester from the Iowa State Patrol.

The protests and riot last night capped off what was a very difficult week for the candidates in Iowa. Dogged by questions related to the two “challenges” issued to the them, the democratic candidates were met with hostile crowds and persistent reporters at every event. This was supposed to be a big week for them here, with the First in the Nation Iowa Caucuses just eight weeks away. Instead, their standard stump speeches and usual blather were not well received by the usually polite, docile Iowans. Many groups from outside of Iowa sent scores of protesters into this state, some to express support for the candidate of their choice, others to be as disruptive as possible.

Last nights riot was triggered by a contingent of protesters representing the Mud Wrestling Midget Tossing Association had an angry clash with the Lesbians Transgender Action Committee. Once these two groups became physical it appeared that the 2000 or so other protesters became enraged and were no long content to just carry signs and yell their causes slogans.

While the protesters seemed to represent very diverse groups, they seemed to share their support for the Democratic Presidential Candidate Polygraph Challenge as well as the UFC offer to have the candidates fight each other in the Octagon. “You’re goddamned right I want to see them all hooked up to a polygraph and I want to see them kickin the ever lovin crap outta each other”, said Earle Belcher from the organization, Bikers United Against Genital Warts.

While the riot was relatively quickly subdued, inside the Arena, the Party faithful heard the six candidates present deliver their standard pitches. Senator Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared to step up their contest within a contest. Each made pointed references to the other yet neither moved non-committed voters their way. At one point Senator Obama called Hillary a controlling, castrating bitch who is so confused about her own sexual identity that she would be ineffective as president”. Mrs. Clinton, who revealed a violent somewhat psychotic side this week, countered during her speech that “My opponent from Illinois can’t answer a straight question, has no record in the Senate and would invite Fidel Castro, Kim Jong Ill and Hugo Chavez to the White House for Kwanzaa. Give me a fuckin’ break”.

“I like Hillary and Mr. Obama. I really don’t know who I will vote for. I sorta wish that little guy that looks like an alien was here”’ said Dolores Udder from Dung Flats, Iowa referring to Dennis Kucinich. Aides to the Ohio Congressman said that Kucinich had decided to skip the Jefferson-Jackson banquet to devote time to his physical training. According to these unnamed sources, Mr. Kucinich is planning to announce this week his decision to accept both the “Polygraph” and UFC Challenges. “Dennis feels very strongly that the public has the right to see the candidates be asked questions under polygraph. That is what makes this country great. Dennis also thinks it is very important that American’s are sure that the next president is tough, strong and can take a punch. He plans on fighting everyone of his democratic opponents in the Octagon and is also considering challenging Dick Cheney to a duel. Most folks outside Cleveland don’t realize that despite his sickly, leukemic looks and malnourished appearance, he was a gifted wrestler in grade school and one beat a stray dog with a stick. He’s no pushover.” It has been rumored that Kucinich has secreted himself in an isolated camp somewhere in California with a group of professional trainers, athletes, coaches, swamis and New Age herbalists. The San Francisco Chronicle reported on Friday that the Kucinich training team includes Barry Bonds, Lance Armstrong, Pete Rose, George Foreman and luminaries from the world of MMA including Tim “The Maniac” Silvia, Mad Dog Bersurka, Rabid Raymond Gouge and The Magnificent Mimi. All indications are the diminutive Kucinich is taking his training very seriously.

None of the democrats seeking their party’s nomination has yet decided to accept or refuse either challenge. Much of the violence outside the arena tonight was a direct reaction from an increasingly angry public. Polls conducted this past week by major media outlets consistently illustrate the publics overwhelming support for both challenges.

As the campaign edges ever closer to january 3, 2008, top advisers from each candidates camp agree that this upcoming week is very important. Chet Cremasteric, media adviser to the Edwards camp said “These “Challenges” are sucking the oxygen from the campaign. They threaten to derail some well laid plans. We must prepare to announce our decision this week or it could get very nasty. Frankly, I’d like to see Hillary hooked up to a lie detector. That would be historic and it would certainly be the end of her presidential aspirations”.

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