Tuesday, April 29, 2008


Former President Offers To Sacrifice Himself

Former President George H. W. Bush demonstrates
how he would atone for the sins of his son George W. Bush.

(April 29, Houston, TX) The 41st President of the United States and father of the current US President is reportedly so despondent about the myriad disasters his son, George W. Bush is responsible for, that he has offered to sacrifice himself in the hopes of sending a clear message to citizens of America and the world. At a hastily called news conference here, the elder Bush appeared distraught, haggard, exhausted and near tears. Merle Haggard was also with him.

Former President Bush told the gathered reporters in an unprepared statement that, “I am sorry. You all cannot believe how sorry I am. Had I ever even imagined that one man, a son of mine, could and would wreak such havoc around the world, I would never have helped him become president. It breaks my heart as a former President, a Navy World War II veteran and as a Dad, to think of the suffering my son has caused. I’ve already smacked his mother around a little bit and, now, I am ready to take on some responsibility for my boys tragic, criminal, insane Administration.”

Bush senior was in obvious distress as he spoke before a silent press corps. Country music legend turned has been, Merle Haggard handed Mr. Bush a large hand gun as the former President sobbed uncontrollably. After composing himself somewhat, Mr. Bush continued with his remarks. “A poorly planned, unnecessary war sent poorly equipped troops to die. My son and his cronies have grown richer as people are loosing their homes, our economy is worse than it was when I was President, gasoline is $4 a gallon, food is going through the roof, our military is being destroyed. We treat our veterans terribly, offer no mental health, have them living in dilapidated VA hospitals and other scummy places, have over 25,000 of them come home without limbs, eyes, ears. The blood on my son’s hands and on Cheney’s, Rumsfeld’s and all those other lunatics can never be washed away. I am broken hearted that George W. Bush came from my loins. After all I’ve done for him; this is the thanks I get. I got him into the Air National Guard so he wouldn’t have to go to Viet Nam. But, he has sent millions of other kids into harms way without a plan, a strategy or any thought. I feel I owe it to all Americans, particularly those who are serving and have served in the military, their families and friends, to offer myself up as the ultimate sacrifice.”

As the former President dissembled into a sputtering, weeping heap, he was comforted by Mr. Haggard and several passers-by outside the Houston Hilton. Mr. Bush, as he began sipping on a bottle of cheap bourbon told reporters that he had not yet set a date for his sacrificial ceremony. In the past Mr. Bush has parachuted from a plane to celebrate his birthday. Initial indications are that this year he might jump from a plane without a parachute. “I’d hate to see the old boy blow his brains out. It would be much better if he went to his reward doing something he always enjoyed. I think jumping without a chute would be a powerful statement. The only regrettable aspect of it is that his son George W will not be with him”, said an anonymous source who is a close friend, drinking buddy,
and fellow member of an incontinence support group Mr. and Mrs. Bush attend.

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