Thursday, December 13, 2007



Los Angeles, CA (Dec.13, 2007) Ike Turner, the iconic, legendary, musical genius who many consider as the father of rock and roll, died yesterday at the age of 76. From humble roots in Clarkdale, Mississippi through a successful career as an artist, musician, bandleader and talent scout, Ike Turner contributed beyond measure to the musical genres of rock, soul and several hybrid blends.

Ike enjoyed his greatest accolades as the Ike in Ike and Tina Turner who he discovered when she was just a high school student. After their split some 35 years ago, Tina Turner went on to an extraordinarily successful solo career. Many of the songs made famous by Ike and Tina are among the classics of modern American music.

Ike was a tortured, troubled soul in many ways. His artistic and creative brilliance was often overshadowed by his drug addiction and violent behavior. Ike became a hero to several generations of wife-beaters, thugs, punks,no-account-malt-liquor-drinking-unemployed-deadbeats and, in some sub-sub-segments of society, is hailed as a hero. “Ike didn’t take no shit from no bitch. He was boss and he done showed who ever they was he was boss”, said long time associate and one time cellmate Cleotis Rufus Freeman.

Many of his arrests for battery, domestic abuse and other various brawls, where captured on film and made the TV news clips, helped to popularize the sleeveless, scoop-necked undershirt which came to be known as “The Wifebeater’. “Many times I seen him on the news being locked up for something and damned, he was always lookin mighty fine in that wifebeater T-shirt”, commented childhood friend Willie “T-Bone” Malone.

Mr. Turner will be buried at an undisclosed location.


Iowa Public TV Should Loose Federal Funding

Johnston, IA (Dec.13, 2007 TBC) “A rose by any other name is still a rose”. Iowa Public Television clearly demonstrated the same does not hold true for a “debate”. While a debate is not a rose it doesn’t have to be a turd. What was billed as a GOP Candidates Debate, conducted and aired by IPTV yesterday afternoon was as far removed from what is conventionally considered to be a debate as the pitiful moderator,Carolyn Washburn, is from Jim Lehrer. Somehow, Ms. Washburn has been able to achieve the position of Editor at the Des Moines Register. She actually makes Yepsen look gifted by comparison and that isn't saying much. It is no wonder that this waste of time was broadcast live at 2:00 PM local time. Had this crap aired during prime time there would have been TV’s tossed out of windows into icy roads across the state.

Granted, virtually all events conducted in the political process today designated as “debates” are nothing like debates in the literal sense. The formats vary as do the rules, hosts and degree to which the opportunity for actual debate is allowed. This sham yesterday was the oddest incarnation of a debate televised thus far in what has been an overabundance of half-assed, YouTube driven, assemblies of candidates on various stages this year.

Being that this event was the final opportunity for a debate prior to the Iowa Caucuses on January 3, 2008, this would have been a great venue to have the leading candidates define, detail and defend their positions on substantive issues. This was truly a missed opportunity. IPTV blew their chance to show the nation that they are a serious journalistic, reporting enterprise not just some federally funded mouthpiece for crop and commodity reports, children’s programming and The Red Green Show. The average voter is all too aware that there is a plethora of vitally important domestic and international issues our next president will face because our current one has spent the last seven years with his empty head up his ass.

The IPTV “debate” was, by far, the oddest format with the most bizarre ground rules yet seen. The moderator looked more like the female warden in some B-grade movie was as competent and effective a moderator as would have been Paris Hilton. Aside from her grime demeanor and hostile enforcement of strict time allotments per candidates answer, she was downright frightening to look at. She obviously attended the Katherine Harris School of make-up application; based on the color of her cheeks, she was either suffering from frostbite of a 107 degree fever.

While the cornerstone principals of democracy must be maintained throughout the body politic, particularly in the presidential nominating process, this late in the game, perhaps some discretion should have been exercised when invitations to participate were sent out. Tom Tancredo, Duncan Hunter and Ron Paul have most likely ridden their respective ego-fueled horses as far as they will go. And then there was Alan Keyes. If having filed candidacy papers, having an office and one staffer in Iowa is sufficient criteria for the folks at IPTV to give him a podium, it is amazing that there were only seven participants. Alan Keyes presence was a waste of time; his irrelevance makes his participation even more absurd. His thoughts and style are far better suited for one of the half-witted shout fests like Hardball or any of the trash aired on FOX News.

One rule that was not in effect and usually is not was that the candidates should be required to answer questions with specifics. Duncan Hunter can easily spew out broad statements like “I will strengthen our military. I will return good paying jobs to America. I will secure our borders” and other such horseshit. Noble ambitions all but, the follow up question to every platitude uttered should automatically be “How”? All the candidates are guilty of regurgitating long lists of all that they would accomplish if elected. Why are they not compelled to tell the American public exactly how they intend to accomplish their goals? When the Moderator with the Mommy Dearest make-up asked the participants to provide a New Year’s resolution suggestion for one of their fellow candidates, not one of them did so. This is a minor point to be sure because the question, like most of them, was idiotic. By pre-arranged agreement, no questioning related to Iraq or immigration was permitted. What kind of shit is that? Arguably, these are two of the more prominent issues on voters’ minds.

The democratic candidates will have their turn on IPTV today. If any of them have any sense or self respect, they would call IPTV and inform them that they have better ways to waste an afternoon in Iowa. Lord knows, Carolyn Washburn, the inept moderator clearly needs some time off, among other things such as remedial courses in Journalism 101, Public Speaking and telling time.

Cletus E. Yoder writing for TBC.

Copyright © 2007 TBC All Rights Reserved

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Paramedics Unable To Provide Questions for Answers.

Los Angeles, CA ( Dec. 12, 2007, TBC) The 67 year old host of the longest running TV game show, Jeopardy!, Alex Trebek, suffered what doctors are classifying as a “minor heart attack” yesterday. The long time host of the popular quiz show was reported to be resting comfortably in a Los Angeles area hospital.

According to paramedics and LAFD personnel who responded to the 911 call at his palatial residence, Mr. Trebek was close to contributing to his own demise. “ When we first arrived on the scene, the patient immediately began asking questions...I mean, asking answers”, commented LAFD EMT Orlando Mas-Cruz. Mas-Cruz continued, “ The patient asked me, like, he said, ‘ The nearest cardiac center to this location is...?’. I told him he was going to Cedars Sinai and he shouts “wrong”, the proper answer is “ What is Cedars Sinai Hospital’”

Apparently emergency personnel and first responders faced significant intellectual challenges while attempting to administer to Mr. Trebek. LAFD firefighter Tyrell Leon Scruggs, who was among the first on the scene told reporters, “ The patient was not in a great amount of obvious distress. When I arrived he took my hand and asked me ‘What Asian capitol has the largest Muslim population’? I told him, I wasn’t sure and at that point he became combative. He got really agitated and told me that I was excluded from Double Jeopardy. I told him he could kiss my fat black ass. He responded that I should go fuck myself. At that point I applied four-point restraints and took his sorry ass to the hospital”.

In the ER of Cedars Sinai, Trebek seemed to become more animated. The first physician to examine him, Dr.Joyce Phillips said, “Mr. Trebek did not appear to be in obvious crisis. His initial EKG showed a normal sinus rhythm. His blood pressure was elevated. I ordered a normal blood panel with cardiac enzymes. The patient grabbed my ass and asked me ‘What is the radial binary circumference of a polyhedron’? I was taken aback and told him to be still. He persisted and asked me a number of obtuse, very difficult questions. Finally, I wrote orders for him to be sedated”.

Hospital spokesperson Leah Applewhite-Snork told reporters at a press conference that “ Mr. Trebek was very close to expiring. He appeared, to the first responders, to be more interested in harassing and embarrassing them seeking questions to answers very few among us could provide. One EMT told me that Mr. Trebek became violent, began shouting, farting, belching and foaming at the mouth because our EMT could not provide the question to the answer of ‘Name the Sub-Saharan nation to first realize drought was a long term problem in Africa’. Our EMT, who was extremely fortunate to obtain his GED, told Mr. Trebek that Sudan was the first Sub-Saharan nation to realize that fact. Mr. Trebek became extraordinarily agitated and yelled at our EMT that he must respond to the statement in the form of a question.”

According to LAFD, LAPD and EMT reports, Mr. Trebek was beaten moderately about the face and neck. Subsequently, he was admitted to the CCU where he remains heavily sedated, under armed guard and restrained. A spokesman for the TV program Jeopardy! told reporters that “Alex has been under a great deal of stress for a long, long time. We knew he drank. We were aware of his anal-retentive and bipolar disorders. Frankly we did the best we could with him. He was a very difficult man to deal with. He demanded perfection from those around him and, when he didn’t get it, he went totally berserk. Often, he masturbated violently on the set. It was gross. Art Fleming was like Mother Teresa compared to this whacknut”.

Jeopardy! reruns will begin to air tomorrow at 7 pm EST. Consult local listing for details.

Copyright © 2007 TBC All Rights Reserved