Wednesday, December 12, 2007


Paramedics Unable To Provide Questions for Answers.

Los Angeles, CA ( Dec. 12, 2007, TBC) The 67 year old host of the longest running TV game show, Jeopardy!, Alex Trebek, suffered what doctors are classifying as a “minor heart attack” yesterday. The long time host of the popular quiz show was reported to be resting comfortably in a Los Angeles area hospital.

According to paramedics and LAFD personnel who responded to the 911 call at his palatial residence, Mr. Trebek was close to contributing to his own demise. “ When we first arrived on the scene, the patient immediately began asking questions...I mean, asking answers”, commented LAFD EMT Orlando Mas-Cruz. Mas-Cruz continued, “ The patient asked me, like, he said, ‘ The nearest cardiac center to this location is...?’. I told him he was going to Cedars Sinai and he shouts “wrong”, the proper answer is “ What is Cedars Sinai Hospital’”

Apparently emergency personnel and first responders faced significant intellectual challenges while attempting to administer to Mr. Trebek. LAFD firefighter Tyrell Leon Scruggs, who was among the first on the scene told reporters, “ The patient was not in a great amount of obvious distress. When I arrived he took my hand and asked me ‘What Asian capitol has the largest Muslim population’? I told him, I wasn’t sure and at that point he became combative. He got really agitated and told me that I was excluded from Double Jeopardy. I told him he could kiss my fat black ass. He responded that I should go fuck myself. At that point I applied four-point restraints and took his sorry ass to the hospital”.

In the ER of Cedars Sinai, Trebek seemed to become more animated. The first physician to examine him, Dr.Joyce Phillips said, “Mr. Trebek did not appear to be in obvious crisis. His initial EKG showed a normal sinus rhythm. His blood pressure was elevated. I ordered a normal blood panel with cardiac enzymes. The patient grabbed my ass and asked me ‘What is the radial binary circumference of a polyhedron’? I was taken aback and told him to be still. He persisted and asked me a number of obtuse, very difficult questions. Finally, I wrote orders for him to be sedated”.

Hospital spokesperson Leah Applewhite-Snork told reporters at a press conference that “ Mr. Trebek was very close to expiring. He appeared, to the first responders, to be more interested in harassing and embarrassing them seeking questions to answers very few among us could provide. One EMT told me that Mr. Trebek became violent, began shouting, farting, belching and foaming at the mouth because our EMT could not provide the question to the answer of ‘Name the Sub-Saharan nation to first realize drought was a long term problem in Africa’. Our EMT, who was extremely fortunate to obtain his GED, told Mr. Trebek that Sudan was the first Sub-Saharan nation to realize that fact. Mr. Trebek became extraordinarily agitated and yelled at our EMT that he must respond to the statement in the form of a question.”

According to LAFD, LAPD and EMT reports, Mr. Trebek was beaten moderately about the face and neck. Subsequently, he was admitted to the CCU where he remains heavily sedated, under armed guard and restrained. A spokesman for the TV program Jeopardy! told reporters that “Alex has been under a great deal of stress for a long, long time. We knew he drank. We were aware of his anal-retentive and bipolar disorders. Frankly we did the best we could with him. He was a very difficult man to deal with. He demanded perfection from those around him and, when he didn’t get it, he went totally berserk. Often, he masturbated violently on the set. It was gross. Art Fleming was like Mother Teresa compared to this whacknut”.

Jeopardy! reruns will begin to air tomorrow at 7 pm EST. Consult local listing for details.

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