Friday, January 4, 2008



Des Moines, Iowa (Jan. 3, 2008. TBC Special Report) Despite being out spent 20 to 1, former Arkansas Governor, Mike Huckabee won a resounding victory over Mitt Romney in the Iowa Caucuses. A long shot, dark horse candidate for much of last year, Huckabee found a groundswell of support in the last four weeks. Former Massachusetts Governor, Mitt Romney, who spent virtual the entire last twelve months and upwards of $16 million here in Iowa, had done his best to buy the results of the Caucuses. He came in at least 9 percentage points behind Huckabee and now heads into the New Hampshire Primary damaged, facing the increasingly popular John McCain.

The former Baptist Minister and staunch Christian Conservative Huckabee, was able to tap into the huge block of imbecilic Evangelical, pro-life, anti-reality, gun-toting voters populating this horribly irrelevant, backwards state. Despite the awful, embarrassing, shameful record of the incumbent, George W. Bush, these wing nuts once again came out in force to vote their narrow-minded, ultraconservative social agenda; an agenda almost virtually assured defeat in November 2008.

Exit polls conducted tonight showed Iowans to be very grateful for Mitt Romney’s sustained efforts to buy their votes. “Heck, he fed us, bused us around, paid our way into the Ames Straw Poll, The State Fair and the Manure Expo. I surely did appreciate him spending all that money but, if for one minute that Massachusetts Mormon thought we would actually vote for him, he was outta his mind”, commented retired hog castrater, Laris Z. Stutzman of Kalona.

Huckabee's resounding victory here tonight dramatically alters the primary season as it heads east. “We have no doubt that there are millions of people out there just as ignorant, stupid and primitive as the fine people of Iowa”, said a jubilant Huckabee at his campaign headquarters in West Des Moines.

Fred Thompson, found asleep under a table at the Arby’s in Fort Dodge, Iowa, finished a distant third. One of his advisors, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “Once we give him a Geritol enema and a few Krispy Kremes, he’ll be good to go”.

Cletus D. Yoder, Iowa Correspondent, TBC

Copyright © 2008 TBC All Rights Reserved

Thursday, January 3, 2008



Elk Run Heights, Iowa (Jan. 3, 2008. TBC Special Report) The days are getting noticeably longer; the sun slips below the western horizon a bit later than it did just last Thursday. Each additional second before darkness descends over this frigid wasteland is but a brief reprieve from the inevitable: it will be below zero before long.

The thousands of visitors forced to be here representing numerous media outlets, journalists, pundits, commentators and politicos of every breed, are as eager to depart as a starving man is to finding a Big Mac. Soon it will all be over but, as of this writing, the fate of our nation, the Future of Western Civilization and Global Democracy, are in the calloused, pudgy hands of those Iowans preparing to venture out to their respective Caucus sites. It has been many years since so much emphasis has been bestowed upon this antiquated, obtuse process. Iowans in record numbers are expected to Caucus tonight, perhaps as high as 310,000 of them. The remaining 300 million Americans should sleep easily tonight,secure and confident that these bored, narrow-minded, government subsidized, midwestern gomps will help shape the race that will result in the election of our next president.

Arse Nuezil was warming up his brand new 2008 GMC King Cab Super Duty pickup truck outside his home. Every article of outwear Arse wore bore the logo of a seed, chemical or fertilizer company. “Well, i used to farm, son, but now I make a better living non-farming”, Nuezil commented a a reporter. When asked to elaborate, Arse, discharged a rib-shattering belch and said, “Let me educate you boys. You see, when I was farming I had to buy all sorts of stuff known as inputs; seed corn, seed beans, fertilizers, herbicides and the like. Then, I actually had to go out a till, plow, plant and harvest. That costs a heck of a lot for diesel fuel. Well, mother and I was eating at the Red Lobster over in Flatus, just north of Waterloo and we got to talking. We realized that we would make a darned good lot more money if we got paid for not farming. So, that’s what we do. the federal government pays me to not put a crop in the ground, to not raise cattle or hogs, to basically put all my acres in the Conservation program so dear, pheasant, coons and skunk have safe places to live. Hell...this not farming thing is the best. Ain’t never made so much when I was actually farming”, Nuezil said and walked away chuckling, burping and mumbling to himself.

Further down the ice-covered gravel road, one of Arse’s neighbors, Frank Schnackenhacker, was getting his mail from his roadside box. When asked if he was going to Caucus tonight he said, “You bet. Soon as I take this big old subsidy check to the bank, I’ll come home, shave, put on my best Dickies and go over to the United Lutheran Church there in Duck Bend, you know, just east of Hudson”. One reporter asked Frank who he was going to Caucus for and received the reply that “Well, I’m mainly going for the pork chops, sauerkraut and Mr. Pibb but, I suppose, I’m going to stand up for whoever will keep these farm subsidies rolling in. You bet, folks out there don’t know how hard it is to not farm. We need a Farm Bill and all the help we can get”.

Despite the frigid conditions, state election official are anticipating record turn out at caucus sites throughout this vast, largely empty state. Molly Raye Hoekstzyx, an election supervisor in Apponoose County said, “Everyone I know is just so excited. You bet we’re all going to caucus, wouldn’t miss it for the world. I heard that Martha Strock was fixin’ some of her rhubarb pie for us after we finish off them steaks Hemp Gurney was grillin’ up. I even saw that nice young colored fella runnin’ for something, Barracks Obaby or some such. He seems like a nice fella, sure enough a lot nicer than the other colored I met in my life. But, I will have to caucus for Huckabee. He seems as backwards, dimwitted, clueless and Christian as anyone out there”.

The free world awaits.

Cletus D. Yoder, Iowa Correspondent, TBC

Copyright © 2008 TBC All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, January 1, 2008


Joplin, Mo (Jan. 1, 2008 TBC Exclusive) His huge lardass was spilling off the sides of the stool as he sat at the counter wearing two dollar, ill-fitting sweat pants and an Army-T shirt riddle with holes. He was not fat, he was grossly obese. He made his 15th trip to the buffet and smiled at the waitress revealing his one his remaining tooth.

He let go a belch that shook the windows in the Petro and began to speak. He did not offer his name but he did illuminate all of us about the sordid, awful side of war, military life, dark ops, trucking and the situation in Iraq. He was Henry Kissinger, Howard Baker, Jethro Bodine, Junior Samples and John Rambo all rolled in to one.

He had stopped for a shower because it was the first of the year. He waddled in to the buffet, an unremarkable, rotund, wide load of a driver but little did anyone know he had been a military icon.

After his 19th cup of coffee he began to speak. In a voice that sounded like tree bark going through a dull bladed buzz saw, he took a hearty drag on his Camel. He spoke softly, but with an unmistakable venom in his voice. He had been an Army Ranger, Navy Seal, Re-Con Marine, CIA Sniper, Black-Ops Specialist, Air Force U-2 Pilot and Apollo 13 alternate. He was the proud owner of 14 Purple Hearts, six Bronze Stars, two Congressional Medals of Honor, one Presidential Freedom Medal,a Pulitzer Prize,and an Oscar. He owned an autographed photo of Richard Nixon in the lobby of the Watergate Hotel, and is the proud holder of a CDL with Tanker, Doubles, Triples and HazMat Endorsements.

To look at him today it would be hard to imagine Donald Rumsfeld tracking him down on September 12, 2001. But, that is exactly what happened. After dropping his loaded flatbed trailer on the scale in Banning, California, he bobtailed to 29 Palms Marine Air Wing Base. His Petro buffet not yet digested he found himself on a Lear Jet without markings, heading into the eye of the storm. He wanted to phone mother but, security issues prevented that. Rumsfeld had assured him that he would visit with his wife and explain the profound importance of her truck driving husbands mission.

On the long flight to Af-Kur-Uzbeck-and-every-other-Stan, he reminisced about his exploits in Cambodia, Thailand, Viet Nam, Korea, Laos, Havana and Turnberry, Scotland. The men on board with him where younger, but, none had seen the action and horror as Mr. Truck Dryvah.

In the best of conditions a man must jump from a plane, all bets are off. As Mr. Truck Dryvah strapped on his parachute he knew there was no turning back. He Halo jumped from 44,000 feet laden with 85 pounds of gear. 34 seconds later he was in Taliban country. Now, the fight was on. Hello, come-in.

As he stealthily made his way towards Tora Bora he thought of his friend Dominick Avallini, back in New York City, an NYPD Captain who lost many colleagues on that tragic day. Mr. Truck Dryvah came to know Captain Avallini while he was volunteering as an NYPD Auxiliary Police Officer, an FDNY Rescue Specialist and a NYC Cab Driver.

For the next two weeks, living on nothing but camel piss, c-rations and goat dung, he tracked his quarry to the darkest, deepest recesses of Tora Bora. He had Osama Bin Laden squarely in his cross hairs. His trigger finger twitched, as sweat rolled off his third chin onto his Dale Earnhart T-shirt, when suddenly his communication linkup with CIA in McClean, Virginia buzzed in his ear. He was fixated on his target, he was looking at the man who had inflicted such harm to his beloved country. He sought justice, perhaps vengeance. The buzzing in his ear became such a annoyance that he was compelled to respond. He keyed the mic implanted in his wrist and heard the unmistakable voice of George Tenet. Mr. Truck Dryvah is a patriot and devoted military man to his core; he keyed up and said “ Hello, Come-in”. Tenet was conflicted. The words he transmitted from 20,000 miles away made Mr. Truck Dryvah cringe. “Chicken House closed. Repeat, Chicken House closed. Abort. Abort. Return to truck stop ASAP”.

This story may seem far-fetched, however, it has been told at lunch counters, driver only booths and CB Channel 19 many, many times by many,many drivers. The only differences in each recounting are the number of teeth, chins, sweat pants and which Apollo Mission they were assigned to. If it were not for the fact that war was raging in Viet Nam, the first words broadcast from the moon would have been, “ Hey earthbound , what you leave behind you? Hello, come-in, how's about local information, come-on”.

The current problems in Iraq could have ended years ago if only certain truck drivers had told their dispatchers that the “Load has to wait, I’m out of hours, I got business elsewhere. Hello, come-in”.

Copyright © 2008 TBC All Rights Reserved

Sunday, December 30, 2007


Roiling Gullet, Iowa (Dec. 30, 2007) Republican presidential candidates, Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee, both former Governors, were able to demonstrate the depth and breadth of their foreign policy knowledge as they are locked in a tight primary race. The assassination of Benazir Bhutto in Pakistan last Thursday suddenly thrust international affairs to the fore in this campaign season. With the grossly overstated first in the nation Iowa Caucus just days away, all candidates from both parties were forced to speak at length about national security and foreign affairs. Thus far, the campaigns have been focused on the war in Iraq as the main foreign policy issue. Most of the campaign has been about domestic, social and economic issues.

Mike Huckabee of Arkansas, the front runner in Iowa was the first GOP candidate able to show off his considerable foreign policy acumen. He commented that the Bhutto assassination should only prove to us that we need to secure our borders. According to Huckabee, illegal Pakistani immigrants are entering our country from Mexico in huge numbers, second only to Mexicans. “We can’t have a Pakistani walk across our border carrying a shoulder-fired missile or a dirty bomb or a non-USDA approved lamb”, said Huckabee. When pressed by reporters to explain his comments further, the former Governor’s aides quickly hustled him away.

Later that night the Huckabee camp issued a press release trying to clarify the idiotic comments from earlier. “Mike Huckabee knows foreign policy as deeply as he knows non-foreign policy. His point about immigration was valid. Who knows how many Pakistani people come here to blow things up, create terror and mayhem and just act like the godless dolts they are? You know they ain’t coming here to pluck chicken feathers and pick lettuce”. While at a campaign stop in Florida on Friday, Huckabee seemed at ease taking questions from the media about his views on international issues. “ I said that Pakistan has to be careful. They got Afghanistan right over there real close to them and, if you think about it, Korea and Africa aren’t all that far either. Once you get into that neighborhood I want the American voters to know that a Huckabee administration would be a darned good friend to Israel. They built a wall in the Holy Land and I want us to build a wall or two right here in America”.

The former Arkansas Governor’s ignorance seemed to challenge his closest rival, former Governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney, to display his own stupendous lack of intelligence. Romney, speaking at the semi-annual Pork and Tripe Breakfast in Waterloo, Iowa said “ Just last week we saw the tragic affects of all the illegal immigration into this country. A young man was eaten by a Siberian tiger in San Francisco. Now, perhaps you’ll agree with me but, we have enough tigers in this country and certainly more than enough Siberian ones. If I were president we would close our borders to Siberian and Bengal tigers, German shepherds, Armenian wombats and all the others that come to our country illegally”. When the members of the press present regained their senses, they hammered the hapless Mormon millionaire with questions. When Romney was asked to explain his overall world view he replied, “I have been married to the same woman since we got married. I believe being married means one man is wed to one woman. If it is any other way pretty soon you will have people wanting to marry dogs, cats, goats, elk, all sorts of bad stuff. Also, since I am in the NRA, I believe in shooting. I have shot varmints. Speaking of shooting, I remember marching with my dad and Martin Luther King . Speaking of kings, King Hussein is a good man. We should bomb Iran, Iraq and Idaho...”.

While those two bozos had their glaring stupidity on display, tired old John McCain was busy extrapolating time served as a POW forty years ago into an unparalleled grasp on present day foreign and military affairs. The feeble senator from Arizona apparently is a strong believer in the “even a broken clock is right twice a day” theory of foreign policy. His staunch support for the disastrous military effort in Iraq completely destroyed any credibility he had regarding national security and military matters. Finally, after trillions of dollars and thousands of lives the so called ‘surge’ is allegedly yielding some results. So now, McCain is loudly proclaiming that he was right all along. Iowans seem to be saying, “Sorry, John. Had your head not been so far up George W. Bush’s ass, you may have seen the situation more clearly”.

During an awkward moment at the Eastern Iowa Airport, the three contenders Huckabee, Romney and McCain came face to face in the empty terminal. The few members of the press that were present witnessed a heated, almost nasty exchange between them. McCain appeared to be the most agitated and called Huckabee “a dope, a moron, an illegal immigrant loving hick”. McCain made reference to Huckabee allowing Cuban refuges to be housed in Arkansas while he was Governor. Huckabee responded in his typical, condescending manner softened by his Southern Baptist preacher’s accent, telling McCain, “John, I like to think we live in a country big enough for everyone. Even Cubans. Besides, last I looked, we have a missile crisis with Cuba. That Fido Castro has been in charge over there for long enough. What would you do, smart ass”?

Feeling somewhat left out of this increasingly hostile argument, Mitt Romney began shouting that “Jesus and Satan were not brothers. I was only pro-choice before I realized I was republican and had to be pro-life”. Huckabee and McCain glanced at the sputtering Romney and dismissed him as a “pretty boy, rich kid” and “a heathen bastard”.

Finally operatives for all three men were able to pull their respective candidates away from the fray before it came to blows. The three contenders and their staffers went their separate ways quickly although John McCain could be heard yelling and screaming incoherently.

As he exited the airport terminal, Romney told an aide that he had to relieve himself. As they approached the men’s room, one aide stopped Romney from entering telling the surprised candidate that “You have too wide a stance on too many issue to go in there. You can take a squirt out behind the limo outside”.