Sunday, December 30, 2007


Roiling Gullet, Iowa (Dec. 30, 2007) Republican presidential candidates, Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee, both former Governors, were able to demonstrate the depth and breadth of their foreign policy knowledge as they are locked in a tight primary race. The assassination of Benazir Bhutto in Pakistan last Thursday suddenly thrust international affairs to the fore in this campaign season. With the grossly overstated first in the nation Iowa Caucus just days away, all candidates from both parties were forced to speak at length about national security and foreign affairs. Thus far, the campaigns have been focused on the war in Iraq as the main foreign policy issue. Most of the campaign has been about domestic, social and economic issues.

Mike Huckabee of Arkansas, the front runner in Iowa was the first GOP candidate able to show off his considerable foreign policy acumen. He commented that the Bhutto assassination should only prove to us that we need to secure our borders. According to Huckabee, illegal Pakistani immigrants are entering our country from Mexico in huge numbers, second only to Mexicans. “We can’t have a Pakistani walk across our border carrying a shoulder-fired missile or a dirty bomb or a non-USDA approved lamb”, said Huckabee. When pressed by reporters to explain his comments further, the former Governor’s aides quickly hustled him away.

Later that night the Huckabee camp issued a press release trying to clarify the idiotic comments from earlier. “Mike Huckabee knows foreign policy as deeply as he knows non-foreign policy. His point about immigration was valid. Who knows how many Pakistani people come here to blow things up, create terror and mayhem and just act like the godless dolts they are? You know they ain’t coming here to pluck chicken feathers and pick lettuce”. While at a campaign stop in Florida on Friday, Huckabee seemed at ease taking questions from the media about his views on international issues. “ I said that Pakistan has to be careful. They got Afghanistan right over there real close to them and, if you think about it, Korea and Africa aren’t all that far either. Once you get into that neighborhood I want the American voters to know that a Huckabee administration would be a darned good friend to Israel. They built a wall in the Holy Land and I want us to build a wall or two right here in America”.

The former Arkansas Governor’s ignorance seemed to challenge his closest rival, former Governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney, to display his own stupendous lack of intelligence. Romney, speaking at the semi-annual Pork and Tripe Breakfast in Waterloo, Iowa said “ Just last week we saw the tragic affects of all the illegal immigration into this country. A young man was eaten by a Siberian tiger in San Francisco. Now, perhaps you’ll agree with me but, we have enough tigers in this country and certainly more than enough Siberian ones. If I were president we would close our borders to Siberian and Bengal tigers, German shepherds, Armenian wombats and all the others that come to our country illegally”. When the members of the press present regained their senses, they hammered the hapless Mormon millionaire with questions. When Romney was asked to explain his overall world view he replied, “I have been married to the same woman since we got married. I believe being married means one man is wed to one woman. If it is any other way pretty soon you will have people wanting to marry dogs, cats, goats, elk, all sorts of bad stuff. Also, since I am in the NRA, I believe in shooting. I have shot varmints. Speaking of shooting, I remember marching with my dad and Martin Luther King . Speaking of kings, King Hussein is a good man. We should bomb Iran, Iraq and Idaho...”.

While those two bozos had their glaring stupidity on display, tired old John McCain was busy extrapolating time served as a POW forty years ago into an unparalleled grasp on present day foreign and military affairs. The feeble senator from Arizona apparently is a strong believer in the “even a broken clock is right twice a day” theory of foreign policy. His staunch support for the disastrous military effort in Iraq completely destroyed any credibility he had regarding national security and military matters. Finally, after trillions of dollars and thousands of lives the so called ‘surge’ is allegedly yielding some results. So now, McCain is loudly proclaiming that he was right all along. Iowans seem to be saying, “Sorry, John. Had your head not been so far up George W. Bush’s ass, you may have seen the situation more clearly”.

During an awkward moment at the Eastern Iowa Airport, the three contenders Huckabee, Romney and McCain came face to face in the empty terminal. The few members of the press that were present witnessed a heated, almost nasty exchange between them. McCain appeared to be the most agitated and called Huckabee “a dope, a moron, an illegal immigrant loving hick”. McCain made reference to Huckabee allowing Cuban refuges to be housed in Arkansas while he was Governor. Huckabee responded in his typical, condescending manner softened by his Southern Baptist preacher’s accent, telling McCain, “John, I like to think we live in a country big enough for everyone. Even Cubans. Besides, last I looked, we have a missile crisis with Cuba. That Fido Castro has been in charge over there for long enough. What would you do, smart ass”?

Feeling somewhat left out of this increasingly hostile argument, Mitt Romney began shouting that “Jesus and Satan were not brothers. I was only pro-choice before I realized I was republican and had to be pro-life”. Huckabee and McCain glanced at the sputtering Romney and dismissed him as a “pretty boy, rich kid” and “a heathen bastard”.

Finally operatives for all three men were able to pull their respective candidates away from the fray before it came to blows. The three contenders and their staffers went their separate ways quickly although John McCain could be heard yelling and screaming incoherently.

As he exited the airport terminal, Romney told an aide that he had to relieve himself. As they approached the men’s room, one aide stopped Romney from entering telling the surprised candidate that “You have too wide a stance on too many issue to go in there. You can take a squirt out behind the limo outside”.

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