Thursday, January 3, 2008



Elk Run Heights, Iowa (Jan. 3, 2008. TBC Special Report) The days are getting noticeably longer; the sun slips below the western horizon a bit later than it did just last Thursday. Each additional second before darkness descends over this frigid wasteland is but a brief reprieve from the inevitable: it will be below zero before long.

The thousands of visitors forced to be here representing numerous media outlets, journalists, pundits, commentators and politicos of every breed, are as eager to depart as a starving man is to finding a Big Mac. Soon it will all be over but, as of this writing, the fate of our nation, the Future of Western Civilization and Global Democracy, are in the calloused, pudgy hands of those Iowans preparing to venture out to their respective Caucus sites. It has been many years since so much emphasis has been bestowed upon this antiquated, obtuse process. Iowans in record numbers are expected to Caucus tonight, perhaps as high as 310,000 of them. The remaining 300 million Americans should sleep easily tonight,secure and confident that these bored, narrow-minded, government subsidized, midwestern gomps will help shape the race that will result in the election of our next president.

Arse Nuezil was warming up his brand new 2008 GMC King Cab Super Duty pickup truck outside his home. Every article of outwear Arse wore bore the logo of a seed, chemical or fertilizer company. “Well, i used to farm, son, but now I make a better living non-farming”, Nuezil commented a a reporter. When asked to elaborate, Arse, discharged a rib-shattering belch and said, “Let me educate you boys. You see, when I was farming I had to buy all sorts of stuff known as inputs; seed corn, seed beans, fertilizers, herbicides and the like. Then, I actually had to go out a till, plow, plant and harvest. That costs a heck of a lot for diesel fuel. Well, mother and I was eating at the Red Lobster over in Flatus, just north of Waterloo and we got to talking. We realized that we would make a darned good lot more money if we got paid for not farming. So, that’s what we do. the federal government pays me to not put a crop in the ground, to not raise cattle or hogs, to basically put all my acres in the Conservation program so dear, pheasant, coons and skunk have safe places to live. Hell...this not farming thing is the best. Ain’t never made so much when I was actually farming”, Nuezil said and walked away chuckling, burping and mumbling to himself.

Further down the ice-covered gravel road, one of Arse’s neighbors, Frank Schnackenhacker, was getting his mail from his roadside box. When asked if he was going to Caucus tonight he said, “You bet. Soon as I take this big old subsidy check to the bank, I’ll come home, shave, put on my best Dickies and go over to the United Lutheran Church there in Duck Bend, you know, just east of Hudson”. One reporter asked Frank who he was going to Caucus for and received the reply that “Well, I’m mainly going for the pork chops, sauerkraut and Mr. Pibb but, I suppose, I’m going to stand up for whoever will keep these farm subsidies rolling in. You bet, folks out there don’t know how hard it is to not farm. We need a Farm Bill and all the help we can get”.

Despite the frigid conditions, state election official are anticipating record turn out at caucus sites throughout this vast, largely empty state. Molly Raye Hoekstzyx, an election supervisor in Apponoose County said, “Everyone I know is just so excited. You bet we’re all going to caucus, wouldn’t miss it for the world. I heard that Martha Strock was fixin’ some of her rhubarb pie for us after we finish off them steaks Hemp Gurney was grillin’ up. I even saw that nice young colored fella runnin’ for something, Barracks Obaby or some such. He seems like a nice fella, sure enough a lot nicer than the other colored I met in my life. But, I will have to caucus for Huckabee. He seems as backwards, dimwitted, clueless and Christian as anyone out there”.

The free world awaits.

Cletus D. Yoder, Iowa Correspondent, TBC

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