HUCKABEE RIDES TO CAUCUS VICTORY
ON SHOULDERS OF HARD-CORE CHRISTIANS
Des Moines, Iowa (Jan. 3, 2008. TBC Special Report) Despite being out spent 20 to 1, former Arkansas Governor, Mike Huckabee won a resounding victory over Mitt Romney in the Iowa Caucuses. A long shot, dark horse candidate for much of last year, Huckabee found a groundswell of support in the last four weeks. Former Massachusetts Governor, Mitt Romney, who spent virtual the entire last twelve months and upwards of $16 million here in Iowa, had done his best to buy the results of the Caucuses. He came in at least 9 percentage points behind Huckabee and now heads into the New Hampshire Primary damaged, facing the increasingly popular John McCain.
The former Baptist Minister and staunch Christian Conservative Huckabee, was able to tap into the huge block of imbecilic Evangelical, pro-life, anti-reality, gun-toting voters populating this horribly irrelevant, backwards state. Despite the awful, embarrassing, shameful record of the incumbent, George W. Bush, these wing nuts once again came out in force to vote their narrow-minded, ultraconservative social agenda; an agenda almost virtually assured defeat in November 2008.
Exit polls conducted tonight showed Iowans to be very grateful for Mitt Romney’s sustained efforts to buy their votes. “Heck, he fed us, bused us around, paid our way into the Ames Straw Poll, The State Fair and the Manure Expo. I surely did appreciate him spending all that money but, if for one minute that Massachusetts Mormon thought we would actually vote for him, he was outta his mind”, commented retired hog castrater, Laris Z. Stutzman of Kalona.
Huckabee's resounding victory here tonight dramatically alters the primary season as it heads east. “We have no doubt that there are millions of people out there just as ignorant, stupid and primitive as the fine people of Iowa”, said a jubilant Huckabee at his campaign headquarters in West Des Moines.
Fred Thompson, found asleep under a table at the Arby’s in Fort Dodge, Iowa, finished a distant third. One of his advisors, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “Once we give him a Geritol enema and a few Krispy Kremes, he’ll be good to go”.
Cletus D. Yoder, Iowa Correspondent, TBC
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