Friday, May 9, 2008


Candidate Claims To Be Surging Among Illiterate Whites

(May 9, Incester, WV) Despite having virtually no chance to capture the Democratic Presidential Nomination, Hillary Clinton asserted that her campaign would not only continue, that she would ultimately prevail. Speaking to USA Today, the demented candidate claimed, "Sen. Obama's support among working, hardworking Americans, white Americans, is weakening again.” As proof of this statement she cited some polling data from the Associated Press. She continued, “I know the real issues that hard working, blue collar, beer drinking, barely literate, squirrel hunting, wife beating, hardly employable white men really care about. It’s not just the cost of gas and cigarettes; it’s about being left out, left back, left behind and in left field”.

Her comments drew rapid responses from all quarters and some of the harshest criticism came from members of her own party. Her comments were viewed by many as “racist, bigoted and stupid”. Several high profile members of Congress ruthlessly denounced her for “playing the race card”. Clinton vigorously denied the criticisms stating she was merely speaking factually.

On the same day that the frontrunner, Barak Obama, who trounced her in North Carolina on Tuesday night, was being well received by members of Congress, the beleaguered Mrs. Clinton continued her astonishing descent into madness. Former Democratic Presidential Candidate, George McGovern, an old friend of the Clinton’s, publically threw his support behind Senator Obama and added his voice to the rapidly expanding chorus of voices calling for Hillary to drop out of the race, drop acid, or stop drop and roll. One highly placed member of the DNC said anonymously, “None of us can figure her out. I mean, what the hell is she doing? Not only is she hurting Obama, she’s tearing up the Party, completely ruining any reputation she had left and driving us all crazy. We wish she would just simply go away”.

The Clinton campaign’s communications director, Howard Wolfsen said, “With primaries looming in West Virginia and Kentucky on this Tuesday, our internal data shows Hillary gaining support of the inbred, half-witted, toothless, dull-normal types who wouldn’t vote for a black man if they has a stick of dynamite shoved up their ass. The hills and hollers, the backwoods and backwards, that is definitely Clinton country”.

Mrs. Clinton appears to be using some of the tactics that allowed her to score a victory in Pennsylvania some weeks ago. There, she claimed her grandfather was from Scranton and she had spent her summer’s there as a child learning how to shoot bear, drink beer, and cling to God. Yesterday, appearing here in this small, impoverished coal mining town that sits atop a huge toxic waste dump, Hillary told the coughing, hacking, largely intoxicated crowd that, “You know, my mother’s father’s brother had a cousin from West Virginia. I remember fondly spending time up in these hills as a young girl, trapping raccoons, eating turtles and smoking Camel cigarettes. Those were happy, innocent days for me. I recall hearing pitiful, high pitched screaming in the night and was told it meant some families are just ‘closer’ than others. That is when I knew I would spend my life defending the right to bear arms, the right to smack someone in the head with a Bible and that without coal mining most of these beautiful forests would have been lost to wild fires”.

As she mixed and mingled with the crowd, she was seen smoking a hand rolled cigar with an elderly man connected to an oxygen tank. Later, she was spotted urinating behind a pick up truck.

Patty Solis Doyle, a senior advisor to the Hillary camp told reporters, “She will fight to the bitter end. She believes she can still win this and no one I know of has near enough courage, fortitude and balls to tell her otherwise. I just hope she doesn’t spend too much time at the coal-powered bourbon distillery when we get to Kentucky”.

Copyright TBC 2008 © All Rights Reserved

Thursday, May 8, 2008


Hillary Appears Afflicted By Same Mental Disorders As George W. Bush

(May 8, Washington, DC) Special Medical Report

Portions of what is present day Washington, DC sit atop what once were malarial swamps. Until almost 1900, our nation’s capitol city was largely a ghost town during the summer months; the politicians fled fearful of contracting the disease. Ultimately, the swamps were drained; the city reclaimed the land, expanded and effectively eradicated malaria.

Apparently, other dreadful diseases have taken the place of malaria over the years. It is a true and widely held belief that the negative pathology that afflicts those who come here is power. “Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Our history over the past 118 years has provided numerous examples of the validity of that concept. It has become so accepted as a truth that it has evolved into a cliché. The corrupting influence of power has been well known and documented for centuries. However, over the last decades here the etiology of corruption has mutated, it now comes in so many variants and strains that it is difficult to begin to control much less eradicate.

Perhaps between early 2001 until now, the 2008 Presidential Primary season, this town has seen the most severe outbreak of profound illnesses, disorders and diseases proliferate, particularly among those elected officials in the Executive and Legislative branches of government. It could be argued that anyone employed by the federal government on any level may also be (if not already is) infected or at least have a compromised immunity for resisting these maladies.

Just as there are those theorists, sociologists, physicians and others positing the concept that violence is a ‘disease’ and should be approached as such, it follows that what ails of elected officials is also a disease or combination of disorders that should also be treated accordingly. Actually, examining the collective behavior of our government objectively, this disease theory becomes increasingly plausible. We have witnessed behaviors so bizarre, thinking so disastrously skewed, narcissism, arrogance, and a wide range of delusional disorders, that no other logical explanation suffices.

One might consider the summer of 2001 to be the source point for this current epidemic. Obviously there was some vector responsible for the absolute and total failure on all levels of our federal government, particularly those employed by “intelligence” agencies, to be prepared for a terrorist attack. The events of September 11, 2001 served as a catalyst to rapidly disperse the infective agents throughout the corridors of power. The White House was obviously a receptive breeding ground for the outbreak to thrive. Virtually within weeks of the attacks, this Administration was exhibiting clear symptomology of a host of cognitive, personality and delusional disorders. Sadly, the intervening years have seen the virulence of these unknown infective agents reek havoc on everyone who has served in the White House, Congress, CIA, DOD, FBI and numerous other agencies. By the time George W. Bush had decided to start a war in Iraq, his congenitally limited mental capabilities were significantly, if not morbidly diminished.

Up to this point, the most seriously affected have been Mr. Bush and his boss Dick Cheney. Their cases represent the worst manifestations of the infections and have proven to be lethal and, for some fatal. They are clear examples of the host surviving the illness while others die as a result of their illness.

However, a case, potentially as severe, has recently alarmed many inside and outside the Beltway. Some officials had thought that perhaps, when all the Bushies vacated Washington DC in January 2009, this outbreak would become more isolated and thereby manageable. Their hopes have dimmed considerably as they have noted the worsening condition of Hillary Clinton. “She is manifesting all the identical symptoms regarding being disassociated from reality, delusional, paranoid and appears to be getting worse daily”, commented a physician who has studied these disorders at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. He spoke under conditions of anonymity fearing if his identity became known to the Clinton campaign, his life will be in danger.

“The pattern of stubborn refusal to recognize objective truth, the egotistical certainty of her mission is as profound as George W. Bush’s. I had long thought that Bush and his associates were the most advanced cases I have ever or would ever see. I fear Mrs. Clinton is deteriorating so rapidly that she may ultimately become as infected as Bush”, continued this physician.

Last month, Hillary’s husband, former President Bill Clinton, speaking at a campaign event, revealed previously unknown facts regarding Mrs. Clinton’s health and mental state. Mr. Clinton said, “Hillary is 60 years old. She forgets things. By 11 o’clock at night, she is barely coherent. She has suffered in silence for many years. I feel her pain...I really do”. The gathered crowd was now silent as the former President continued, “My wife, God bless her soul, has advanced untreatable fibromyalgia. She has chronic Prickly Heat, Irritable Bowel Syndrome and has battled Rickets since her days at Yale. She walks in her sleep, has episodes of urinary and bowel incontinence aside from enduring the agony of energy consuming, rib shattering acute flare-ups of Flatulence Basso Profundo. As hard as she works and has worked her entire life in support of women and children she cannot even have the comfort of a good night’s sleep. That’s why I sleep on the couch. Hillary is in the advanced stages of Restless Leg Syndrome, ADHD, St., Vitas Dance and is highly susceptible to sudden bouts of violent rage, gnashing her teeth, sometimes foaming at the mouth and bulimia. As her husband, it is all very difficult to watch her suffering.”

Since making those startling revelations publically, some have wondered if Mr. Clinton was sugar-coating his wife’s actual physical and mental condition. Dr. Sanjay Buddi Croupa of CNM commented, “Clearly, this is a deeply disturbed woman. Her divorce from reality is so pronounced, it would probably be in her best interest and that of those close to her, that she be immediately confined to a psychiatric hospital. Perhaps one in any of the former Soviet Republics would be her best chance for some degree of recovery.”

Article written with contributions from Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, Pine Valley Asulym for the Pitifully Deranged, CDC, NIH, PETA, Dr. Phil, and AFLAC.

Copyright TBC 2008 © All Rights Reserved