Friday, April 25, 2008


President George Bush participates in tribal dance on the South Lawn
In an effort to bolster the sagging economy.

(April 25, The White House) As the US economy continues to decline, President George W. Bush is willing to employ novel approaches to prevent an all out recession. Every day one of the leading economic indicators, the stock and bond markets, industry and virtually every sector of our diverse economy appear to show a worsening crisis. Much has been made about the “mortgage meltdown” that has resulted in mass foreclosures and a stagnant housing market. The Administration had been roundly criticized for its involvement in crafting a bail-out deal for the investment bank Bear Sterns last month.

At the same time the Administration refuses to acknowledge what every other American knows: our war in Iraq has been draining our national treasury by an estimated $3 billion per month. Staggering costs of the military efforts, foreign aid and civilian contracts associated with the efforts have added untold millions to the protracted Iraq war with no end in sight. Actually, the depth and profundity of the Bush Administrations failure to recognize reality is beyond surreal; it is, as many Constitutional scholars have noted, “criminal”. Dr. Heywood Z. Bayhelsch, Professor of Constitutional Law at George Mason University said, “The fact that Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney will walk away from the enormous mess they have created , will go down as one of the greatest unprosecuted series of Executive branch acts ever perpetrated in the history of America. The Articles of Impeachment should have and could have been invoked years ago. Had anyone in Congress had any balls at all, Bush, Cheney and many others would be in prison now.” This statement is common among many senior experts in American History, Presidential History, Constitutional Law and other specialties. Presidential Dolores Kearns Goodwin, one of the most highly regarded of all living Presidential Historians said, “In no other time in our history would an Administration like this have been tolerated. Actually, Bush and Cheney are products of our times. They will go down in the annals of infamous political figures and are among the dumbest human beings ever elected to public office of any kind at any time.”

Despite recent efforts by the Administration, the Secretary of Treasury, The Council of Economic Advisors, The Federal Reserve and other related agencies, our economy sinks daily further into danger. The national debt and our trade deficit are at all time highs as even today crude oil tops $119 a barrel as the American consumer pays an average of $4 a gallon at the pump.

Seeking to dramatically demonstrate his vigorous efforts to fix our broken economy, President Bush invited several tribal healers, elders, medicine-men, drummers, dancers, snake charmers, and tribesmen known to speak in tongues to the White House today. With his participation the gathered tribesmen, members of the Indi Hulloo Shamalamadingdong tribe, once numerous in the southwest, performed a ritual dance to the gods. Speaking through an interpreter, The Chief of the Shamalamadingdong’s said, “We are honored to be at this House of White with all time Big Bush. We know gods are unhappy and that is why US economy in sewer. Bush contact us, he know of us from when he was in Texas. We come to perform dance, sacrifice and other rituals to make gods happy and help Big Bush get economy and self out of huge shit hole”.

Invited members of the press who witnessed the ceremonial dances, chanting, small to medium sized animal sacrifices, self mutilation, group masturbation and burning of various stinky herbs and spices were surprised to see just how enthusiastically Mr. Bush participated in all aspects of the ceremonies. David Gregory, Senior White House correspondent for NBC News commented, “I am simply amazed, speechless. I have covered this president for most of the past 8 years. I have seen him do some stupendously moronic, idiotic, senseless things in those years. I have seen him drift further and further into a delusional state of near delirium. I have seen him start a war, ruin and economy, wreck our worldwide reputation and dramatically alter the course of history, to our detriment, for generations to come. This ceremony today, though, was pretty bizarre. Bush seemed to go into a trance at one point, and after they sacrificed a mongoose, an armadillo and a prairie dog, just as the masturbation ritual was about to begin, Mr. Bush bit the forearm of a Secret Service agent who attempted to remove the president from the circle jerk.”

Later, somewhat winded, dazed, and even more confused than normal, Mr. Bush told reporters that “Heck< I wanted to participate in it all. I mean…ah…ya see,…my whole time in the White House has basically been a big, long circle jerk so, um…I…ah…didn’t see, I mean I wanted to see how these fellas did it. I bet Dick would have enjoyed it. I know I did.”

Copyright TBC 2008 © All Rights Reserved

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


Hillary Beast Survives Night Of Living Dead

(April 23, Evansville, IN) The growing frustration inside the Barak Obama campaign escalated significantly last night as his persistent, maniacal opponent saved her sinking campaign by scoring a victory in the Pennsylvania primary. While both Clinton and Obama fought hard in this key state each spending millions in their efforts, it was old fashioned politics that won the race for Clinton. With the support of Pennsylvania Governor, Ed Rendell and his vast, corrupt, shady political machine at her disposal, Hillary managed to grease enough palms, apply sufficient pressure where ever possible and toss around enough “walking around money” in the black community, to win by a margin of 10 percentage points. While her overall plight remains the same – she continues to trail Obama in popular votes and pledged delegates - last night’s win allows her rotting corpse of a campaign to continue to putrefy the process, do damage to her own party and virtually assure a victory for the GOP’s John McCain in November.

“I will say she has morphed into something of a horror movie monster. Just when you think her rotten campaign is finally dead, she somehow manages to emerge from the deep, dark open grave. Frankly, when I know I will be seeing her in person I always wear a glove of garlic around my neck. She scares the hell out of me”, said Democratic Party Chairman, Howard Dean. “There is the possibility she is not human. Certainly she demonstrates few of the basic qualities of humanity. She is masterful, though, at deception, spewing toxic venom, sorcery and shape-shifting. I believe only a silver bullet or a stake driven into her heart could stop her campaign”, commented Denis Kucinich, a former democratic presidential rival.

The Obama campaign expected a Clinton victory but was making every effort to keep her margin of error to within the single digits. “Yes we are disappointed but, thankfully, we are still ahead. This might give her new political life on the trail but does little to improve her chances of ever getting the nomination”, noted Dave Axelrod, head of the Barak campaign.

Some insiders close to other insiders who are a bit further inside the Obama camp and a great deal closer to those closest to the insiders, speaking anonymously, revealed that “We hear they are bringing in a shaman, an old-fashioned medicine man to see if that helps. There has been talk of finding an exorcist but, thus far, there has not been a response from the Jesuits at Georgetown. We also know that several practitioners of Santeria have been consulted and may be providing some candles and other stuff to see if that helps.” Clearly, from leaks such as these, Team Obama is coming to terms with the true nature of his tenacious opponent.

While some political pundits and observers debunk the claims that Hillary is evil incarnate and has made a deal with the devil to advance her own political agenda and career, some are not as quick to dismiss this line of thought. Dr. Parcel de Poste, a PH.D. in Paranormal Psychiatry at the University of Minnesota commented, “To be completely objective about it, to look at her, if you really study her face and eyes, it is very difficult to believe she is not at least insane or, at worst, pure evil.”

An interesting quirk regarding Mrs. Clinton’s personal travel habits may be more revealing than initially realized. During the Iowa Caucuses, a chambermaid at the Pig, Corn and Bean Motel in Flattus, Iowa told reporters that when she went into clean the room Hillary was staying in, “all the mirrors were covered up.” Rumors that an android clone meticulously crafted to appear, sound, behave, rant and rave just like the real Hillary Clinton, is utilized for her appearances during daylight hours. This would lend credence to the theory that Mrs. Clinton is actually “among the un-dead”. “Her aversion to sunlight, her fear of her mirror image…things like that should give us all great concern”, said General Mal Hayes, commander of the ultra secret military base in Nevada simply known as “Area 51”. General Hayes continued, “We do some cutting edge research into paranormal phenomenon here. We work closely with Sandia National Laboratory and the folks at Los Alamos. It is the conclusion of all involved that Hillary Clinton is about as Para-normal, if not down right abnormal, as can be. We would like to drop her into the Hindu Kush Mountains just to see if she could find Bin Laden. We’ve tried everything else plus, it would put all her negative energy to positive use.”

The Clinton camp, suddenly bolstered by last night’s victory, promises that the tide has turned for her campaign. This type of self delusion and collective idiocy is common among some gangs, most religious cults and all failed and failing political campaigns.

Sunday, April 20, 2008



(April 20, Doha, Qatar) In a lengthy video delivered to the Arabic TV network headquartered here, Al Jezeera, Osama Bin Laden, the most wanted man in the galaxy, railed against America, George W. Bush and the US led efforts in Iraq. The spiritual head of Al Q’eada, Bin Laden saved some of his sharpest, most specific comments for the presumptive Republican Presidential candidate, Arizona Senator, John McCain.

Al Jezeera contacted the US Central Intelligence Agency, the US Department of Homeland Security, the National Security Agency and provided Hi-Def copies of the video to all. Initial analysis by the United States intelligence community confirms that they have, in fact, received a video. Speaking for the NSA Rear Admiral Walter “Salty” Doggen commented, “Yes. It is a video. We have received a video from Al Jezeera. Osama Bin Laden, or someone who looks a whole lot like him, is on that video. It is in Hi-Def so, as you can imagine, the picture is beautiful.”

Shali-wa-Walawala Bingbang, spokesman for Al Jezeera, told reporters during a press conference earlier that “ We have reviewed the video very carefully. It has been rigorously scrutinized by experts, both on our staff, and from several mid-Eastern governments. We are prepared to say that, this video is authentic. It is absolutely Osama Bin Laden speaking on that video.”

The Director of the CIA, General Michael V. Hayden, issued a statement immediately after receiving the copy of the OBL video. “ We have directed that at least 1 or 2 of our top analysts will dissect this video. While most of our 30,000 member staff are far too busy studying intelligence collected 20 years ago about the USSR, and protecting their pensions, we have found one Farsi speaker, a former Pashtun tribesman, and an Urdi speaking owner of a 7-11 in Detroit available to dedicate themselves to this effort.”

Hours later, a highly placed source, an aide of Stephanie O’Sullivan the Director of the CIA Science, Fiction and Technology Unit, speaking anonymously said, “This video is the most detailed message we have gotten from Bin Laden in years. He is articulate, angry, inspiring and hyperbolic. I can see how this video will play well among his supporters and serve as a very effective recruiting tool.” Another aide in the same office, also speaking not for attribution revealed, “This video is a direct challenge to John McCain, a withering criticism of George W. Bush and his administration and a direct marriage proposal to Jessica Simpson. This last issue has us all on high alert. Obviously, Bin Laden is not aware that Ms. Simpson married Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, several weeks ago. Once he finds out, he might blow up Israel or simply activate sleeper cells world wide to go berserk.”

A top official at Al Jezeera, Hamdi Hamdu Tudaloo, released a partial transcript of this video to Ian Dirk Stout, a reporter for the BBC stationed in Mecca. Stout told his colleagues back in London that he was initially concerned that Tudaloo would reveal to authorities in Qatar that he was in possession of a cheap bottle of gin. After a substantial bribe was paid to Tudaloo, Stout was able to wire back the following excerpt of Bin Laden directly addressing the American public and Ms. Simpson.

“All Blessings and Glory to Allah and, if it pleases him, as his servant I will speak to the infidels. All glory and strength emanates from Allah and it is with this wisdom and inspiration I tell American peoples that if the old man married to young woman who owns beer factory and looks like Jessica Simpson's mother, Praise be to Allah, John McCain, we have confidence that he will continue boneheaded policies that are destroying US economy, military and reputation. With the help of Allah, he who is who he is, McCain will continue Bush crusades in the Valley of the Tigress and Euphrates, Basra and Najahf, Sodom and Gomorra, Here and There, Timbuktu, Tippacanoe and Tyler too. If Allah, all Praise and Blessings due unto him, will bless us in our holy efforts against pagans, infidels, neo-cons, labor union members, those that consume alcoholic spirits with wife of former US President and fans of the Cowboys from Dallas, we will, Allah willing, emerge victorious.”

In response to these inflammatory if not threatening remarks, McCain was removed from his cryochamber where he spends most of his downtime rejuvenating in the solitude of a cylindrical vessel at a temperature of -421 degrees Celsius. After he completed a rapid thaw he told reporters that “I will follow him, Bin Laden to the gates of hell. I know the transcendent mission of the last 400 years and I will defeat radical Islamo-Facists where ever they dare to show their ugly turbaned heads. This is my calling, my friends, this is all our callings. Every generation is called upon to some noble calling and, once called, we had all better be called and committed to the calling for which we were called. By the way, who is Jessica Simpson?”

The CIA, FBI, NSA, OTB, NASCAR, BET, CNBC and AARP have vowed to work through the night analyzing this latest video message from Osama Bin Laden in the hope of having an analysis. Stephen R. Kappes of the CIA issued a powerful, barely coherent statement tonight promising to “Take every analyst off the Gorbachov desk, get every available person off the Fidel Castro Task Force and even cancel our softball season until we nail this Osama thing down. We know it will be a slam dunk and if not we will say it was anyway.”

Copyright TBC © 2008 All Rights Reserved


The Pope At 161st & River

(April 20, Bronx, NY) On a plot of Bermuda blue grass sod, as incongruous in the South Bronx as any site, the Pope came to celebrate mass. In the “House that Ruth Built”, His Eminence, Pope Benedict said mass before thousands in attendance and millions viewing on television. Of all the prime real estate, remarkable settings and impressive venues across these United States, the Pope came to the “Boogie Down Bronx” and with him his message of hope, forgiveness and humility.

Arguably, (historically) one of the most notorious urban neighborhoods in America, the Bronx was a location chosen by The Vatican for the Pope to celebrate Mass. Other Pope’s have been here before; Yankee Stadium is a Basilica several times over. In what has long been considered a cathedral of baseball excellence, history, mystique and sustained superiority, in its final season as home to all of that and more, this venerable, revered sporting ground had yet another honor bestowed on her hollowed turf today.

The morning bloomed cloudy, cool and rainy. make of it what you will but, by the time the Pontiff hit the field, the sun had parted the weeping clouds. An atmospheric feat attributable heretofore only to the likes of Gehrig, DiMaggio, Maris and Munson, the Lord was peering down from on high closely on The Bronx.

If the last shall be first; if the meek will inherit the earth; if the lowliest among us shall be held high, well, perhaps everyone who has ever called The Bronx home has a place in heaven.

Copyright TBC © 2008 All Rights Reserved