Hillary Beast Survives Night Of Living Dead
(April 23, Evansville, IN) The growing frustration inside the Barak Obama campaign escalated significantly last night as his persistent, maniacal opponent saved her sinking campaign by scoring a victory in the Pennsylvania primary. While both Clinton and Obama fought hard in this key state each spending millions in their efforts, it was old fashioned politics that won the race for Clinton. With the support of Pennsylvania Governor, Ed Rendell and his vast, corrupt, shady political machine at her disposal, Hillary managed to grease enough palms, apply sufficient pressure where ever possible and toss around enough “walking around money” in the black community, to win by a margin of 10 percentage points. While her overall plight remains the same – she continues to trail Obama in popular votes and pledged delegates - last night’s win allows her rotting corpse of a campaign to continue to putrefy the process, do damage to her own party and virtually assure a victory for the GOP’s John McCain in November.
“I will say she has morphed into something of a horror movie monster. Just when you think her rotten campaign is finally dead, she somehow manages to emerge from the deep, dark open grave. Frankly, when I know I will be seeing her in person I always wear a glove of garlic around my neck. She scares the hell out of me”, said Democratic Party Chairman, Howard Dean. “There is the possibility she is not human. Certainly she demonstrates few of the basic qualities of humanity. She is masterful, though, at deception, spewing toxic venom, sorcery and shape-shifting. I believe only a silver bullet or a stake driven into her heart could stop her campaign”, commented Denis Kucinich, a former democratic presidential rival.
The Obama campaign expected a Clinton victory but was making every effort to keep her margin of error to within the single digits. “Yes we are disappointed but, thankfully, we are still ahead. This might give her new political life on the trail but does little to improve her chances of ever getting the nomination”, noted Dave Axelrod, head of the Barak campaign.
Some insiders close to other insiders who are a bit further inside the Obama camp and a great deal closer to those closest to the insiders, speaking anonymously, revealed that “We hear they are bringing in a shaman, an old-fashioned medicine man to see if that helps. There has been talk of finding an exorcist but, thus far, there has not been a response from the Jesuits at Georgetown. We also know that several practitioners of Santeria have been consulted and may be providing some candles and other stuff to see if that helps.” Clearly, from leaks such as these, Team Obama is coming to terms with the true nature of his tenacious opponent.
While some political pundits and observers debunk the claims that Hillary is evil incarnate and has made a deal with the devil to advance her own political agenda and career, some are not as quick to dismiss this line of thought. Dr. Parcel de Poste, a PH.D. in Paranormal Psychiatry at the University of Minnesota commented, “To be completely objective about it, to look at her, if you really study her face and eyes, it is very difficult to believe she is not at least insane or, at worst, pure evil.”
An interesting quirk regarding Mrs. Clinton’s personal travel habits may be more revealing than initially realized. During the Iowa Caucuses, a chambermaid at the Pig, Corn and Bean Motel in Flattus, Iowa told reporters that when she went into clean the room Hillary was staying in, “all the mirrors were covered up.” Rumors that an android clone meticulously crafted to appear, sound, behave, rant and rave just like the real Hillary Clinton, is utilized for her appearances during daylight hours. This would lend credence to the theory that Mrs. Clinton is actually “among the un-dead”. “Her aversion to sunlight, her fear of her mirror image…things like that should give us all great concern”, said General Mal Hayes, commander of the ultra secret military base in Nevada simply known as “Area 51”. General Hayes continued, “We do some cutting edge research into paranormal phenomenon here. We work closely with Sandia National Laboratory and the folks at Los Alamos. It is the conclusion of all involved that Hillary Clinton is about as Para-normal, if not down right abnormal, as can be. We would like to drop her into the Hindu Kush Mountains just to see if she could find Bin Laden. We’ve tried everything else plus, it would put all her negative energy to positive use.”
The Clinton camp, suddenly bolstered by last night’s victory, promises that the tide has turned for her campaign. This type of self delusion and collective idiocy is common among some gangs, most religious cults and all failed and failing political campaigns.
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