Sunday, April 20, 2008



(April 20, Doha, Qatar) In a lengthy video delivered to the Arabic TV network headquartered here, Al Jezeera, Osama Bin Laden, the most wanted man in the galaxy, railed against America, George W. Bush and the US led efforts in Iraq. The spiritual head of Al Q’eada, Bin Laden saved some of his sharpest, most specific comments for the presumptive Republican Presidential candidate, Arizona Senator, John McCain.

Al Jezeera contacted the US Central Intelligence Agency, the US Department of Homeland Security, the National Security Agency and provided Hi-Def copies of the video to all. Initial analysis by the United States intelligence community confirms that they have, in fact, received a video. Speaking for the NSA Rear Admiral Walter “Salty” Doggen commented, “Yes. It is a video. We have received a video from Al Jezeera. Osama Bin Laden, or someone who looks a whole lot like him, is on that video. It is in Hi-Def so, as you can imagine, the picture is beautiful.”

Shali-wa-Walawala Bingbang, spokesman for Al Jezeera, told reporters during a press conference earlier that “ We have reviewed the video very carefully. It has been rigorously scrutinized by experts, both on our staff, and from several mid-Eastern governments. We are prepared to say that, this video is authentic. It is absolutely Osama Bin Laden speaking on that video.”

The Director of the CIA, General Michael V. Hayden, issued a statement immediately after receiving the copy of the OBL video. “ We have directed that at least 1 or 2 of our top analysts will dissect this video. While most of our 30,000 member staff are far too busy studying intelligence collected 20 years ago about the USSR, and protecting their pensions, we have found one Farsi speaker, a former Pashtun tribesman, and an Urdi speaking owner of a 7-11 in Detroit available to dedicate themselves to this effort.”

Hours later, a highly placed source, an aide of Stephanie O’Sullivan the Director of the CIA Science, Fiction and Technology Unit, speaking anonymously said, “This video is the most detailed message we have gotten from Bin Laden in years. He is articulate, angry, inspiring and hyperbolic. I can see how this video will play well among his supporters and serve as a very effective recruiting tool.” Another aide in the same office, also speaking not for attribution revealed, “This video is a direct challenge to John McCain, a withering criticism of George W. Bush and his administration and a direct marriage proposal to Jessica Simpson. This last issue has us all on high alert. Obviously, Bin Laden is not aware that Ms. Simpson married Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, several weeks ago. Once he finds out, he might blow up Israel or simply activate sleeper cells world wide to go berserk.”

A top official at Al Jezeera, Hamdi Hamdu Tudaloo, released a partial transcript of this video to Ian Dirk Stout, a reporter for the BBC stationed in Mecca. Stout told his colleagues back in London that he was initially concerned that Tudaloo would reveal to authorities in Qatar that he was in possession of a cheap bottle of gin. After a substantial bribe was paid to Tudaloo, Stout was able to wire back the following excerpt of Bin Laden directly addressing the American public and Ms. Simpson.

“All Blessings and Glory to Allah and, if it pleases him, as his servant I will speak to the infidels. All glory and strength emanates from Allah and it is with this wisdom and inspiration I tell American peoples that if the old man married to young woman who owns beer factory and looks like Jessica Simpson's mother, Praise be to Allah, John McCain, we have confidence that he will continue boneheaded policies that are destroying US economy, military and reputation. With the help of Allah, he who is who he is, McCain will continue Bush crusades in the Valley of the Tigress and Euphrates, Basra and Najahf, Sodom and Gomorra, Here and There, Timbuktu, Tippacanoe and Tyler too. If Allah, all Praise and Blessings due unto him, will bless us in our holy efforts against pagans, infidels, neo-cons, labor union members, those that consume alcoholic spirits with wife of former US President and fans of the Cowboys from Dallas, we will, Allah willing, emerge victorious.”

In response to these inflammatory if not threatening remarks, McCain was removed from his cryochamber where he spends most of his downtime rejuvenating in the solitude of a cylindrical vessel at a temperature of -421 degrees Celsius. After he completed a rapid thaw he told reporters that “I will follow him, Bin Laden to the gates of hell. I know the transcendent mission of the last 400 years and I will defeat radical Islamo-Facists where ever they dare to show their ugly turbaned heads. This is my calling, my friends, this is all our callings. Every generation is called upon to some noble calling and, once called, we had all better be called and committed to the calling for which we were called. By the way, who is Jessica Simpson?”

The CIA, FBI, NSA, OTB, NASCAR, BET, CNBC and AARP have vowed to work through the night analyzing this latest video message from Osama Bin Laden in the hope of having an analysis. Stephen R. Kappes of the CIA issued a powerful, barely coherent statement tonight promising to “Take every analyst off the Gorbachov desk, get every available person off the Fidel Castro Task Force and even cancel our softball season until we nail this Osama thing down. We know it will be a slam dunk and if not we will say it was anyway.”

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