Friday, May 9, 2008


Candidate Claims To Be Surging Among Illiterate Whites

(May 9, Incester, WV) Despite having virtually no chance to capture the Democratic Presidential Nomination, Hillary Clinton asserted that her campaign would not only continue, that she would ultimately prevail. Speaking to USA Today, the demented candidate claimed, "Sen. Obama's support among working, hardworking Americans, white Americans, is weakening again.” As proof of this statement she cited some polling data from the Associated Press. She continued, “I know the real issues that hard working, blue collar, beer drinking, barely literate, squirrel hunting, wife beating, hardly employable white men really care about. It’s not just the cost of gas and cigarettes; it’s about being left out, left back, left behind and in left field”.

Her comments drew rapid responses from all quarters and some of the harshest criticism came from members of her own party. Her comments were viewed by many as “racist, bigoted and stupid”. Several high profile members of Congress ruthlessly denounced her for “playing the race card”. Clinton vigorously denied the criticisms stating she was merely speaking factually.

On the same day that the frontrunner, Barak Obama, who trounced her in North Carolina on Tuesday night, was being well received by members of Congress, the beleaguered Mrs. Clinton continued her astonishing descent into madness. Former Democratic Presidential Candidate, George McGovern, an old friend of the Clinton’s, publically threw his support behind Senator Obama and added his voice to the rapidly expanding chorus of voices calling for Hillary to drop out of the race, drop acid, or stop drop and roll. One highly placed member of the DNC said anonymously, “None of us can figure her out. I mean, what the hell is she doing? Not only is she hurting Obama, she’s tearing up the Party, completely ruining any reputation she had left and driving us all crazy. We wish she would just simply go away”.

The Clinton campaign’s communications director, Howard Wolfsen said, “With primaries looming in West Virginia and Kentucky on this Tuesday, our internal data shows Hillary gaining support of the inbred, half-witted, toothless, dull-normal types who wouldn’t vote for a black man if they has a stick of dynamite shoved up their ass. The hills and hollers, the backwoods and backwards, that is definitely Clinton country”.

Mrs. Clinton appears to be using some of the tactics that allowed her to score a victory in Pennsylvania some weeks ago. There, she claimed her grandfather was from Scranton and she had spent her summer’s there as a child learning how to shoot bear, drink beer, and cling to God. Yesterday, appearing here in this small, impoverished coal mining town that sits atop a huge toxic waste dump, Hillary told the coughing, hacking, largely intoxicated crowd that, “You know, my mother’s father’s brother had a cousin from West Virginia. I remember fondly spending time up in these hills as a young girl, trapping raccoons, eating turtles and smoking Camel cigarettes. Those were happy, innocent days for me. I recall hearing pitiful, high pitched screaming in the night and was told it meant some families are just ‘closer’ than others. That is when I knew I would spend my life defending the right to bear arms, the right to smack someone in the head with a Bible and that without coal mining most of these beautiful forests would have been lost to wild fires”.

As she mixed and mingled with the crowd, she was seen smoking a hand rolled cigar with an elderly man connected to an oxygen tank. Later, she was spotted urinating behind a pick up truck.

Patty Solis Doyle, a senior advisor to the Hillary camp told reporters, “She will fight to the bitter end. She believes she can still win this and no one I know of has near enough courage, fortitude and balls to tell her otherwise. I just hope she doesn’t spend too much time at the coal-powered bourbon distillery when we get to Kentucky”.

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