CONDITION SERIOUS: FEW DETAILS KNOWN
(May 17, Boston, MA) Ted Kennedy, 76 , one of the longest serving Democratic Senators was brought to an emergency room in Hyannis earlier today. Within an hour he was transported to Massachusetts General Hospital where his clinical condition is being closely guarded. The last surviving male member of the once powerful Kennedy family that produced a US president as well as an Attorney General, Ted, the youngest brother, is a Democratic icon. He was first elected to the Senate in 1964 and has remained there. A powerful voice on many classic Democratic issues, he has served on various committees and run for president himself.
Mr. Kennedy had carotid artery surgery last year to remove a blockage in that vessel. Aside from chronic alcoholism, obesity, bulimia, post nasal drip, genital warts, irritable bowel syndrome, hemorrhoids, several weeping sores, a hairy nevus, gout tremendously enlarged ears, elephantitis, transient rectal incontinence and uncontrollable flatulence, the senior Senator from Massachusetts has been generally healthy. One of Kennedy’s closest friends in the Senate, Republican Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania, said via phone interview, “Ted has been doing remarkably well these past few years. He was watching his diet and I rarely saw him drinking whiskey before 7 or 8 in the morning. He had some minor problems and Lord knows you did not want to sit near him while eating a meal but, apparently, Beano is a remarkable little pill. I also think he returned to his Catholic faith after his eighth or ninth marriage. Suddenly it was all comforting. Beano also helped him attend Mass again.”
While at this time little is known about the exact incident or health problem that brought Kennedy to seek treatment today, friends, associates, and a host of bouncers, bartenders and others, have provided some detail about the Senator’s activities over the past 24 hours.
According to Ted’s personal valet and traveling assistant, Mikey “Spud” MacGooglededoo, the Senator arrived in Massachusetts yesterday afternoon. He was scheduled to give the commencement address at the New England School of Bartending in Addleboro. The Senator received a warm welcome from the graduates, their families and friends; particularly those who have forgotten what sobriety even feels like. Kennedy was presented with an honorary doctorate in Mixology and joined some of the graduates on a bar hopping excursion through some of the seedier neighborhoods of Boston, Revere and Mendham.
The group accompanying, and often carrying Kennedy, chartered a Hooters bus for the ride out to Hyannis, location of the Kennedy Compound and the Senator’s private residence when not in Washington DC.
According to one witness, most of the other passengers on the bus had passed out but the Senator, wearing only striped boxer shorts, black socks and a Barak Obama t-shirt, kept drinking. He demanded the bus driver stop as they entered Hyannis. Kennedy stumbled off the bus and entered Crabby Joe’s Crab, Chowder and Oyster Bar at apparently 1:30 AM. Owen Patrick Clancy was the bartender on duty at the time of the Senator’s arrival. “Ay, yeah, I recognized him right off, course I did. I been serving him and his family since before Teddy drove that Chrysler offa that bridge. It wasn’t unusual to see him in here without pants on...he liked to get comfortable while gettin’ smashed. After all, ya know, he is a Senator”, Clancy told reporters.
Mr. Clancy continued, “I can’t say exactly what happened...I was looking for some pickled eggs but I did hear, a series of burps, belches and one hell of a loud faht, then, a huge crash. Now, I can’t say if Teddy fell off that bar stool or if it just broke...ya know, collapsed under all that weight”.
The Senator’s office has received dozens of phone, text and e-mail messages wishing Kennedy a speedy recovery. Kennedy’s spokeswoman, Bridgette Nolan-Camacho, speaking to the press outside of Mass General said, “ We have received a tremendous number of contacts from people. Bartenders from here to Arlington Virginia have called as have many of Ted’s Senate colleagues. I personally took phone calls from Nick Nolte, Brittany Spears, The Pope, Nelson Mandela, Howie Mandel and Ernest Borgnine. Barak and Michelle Obama called as did Bill Belichek, Tom Brady and Dick Cheney.”
However, according to an anonymous source close to the Kennedy family, not all communications received were well wishers. This source claims that he was listening to a voice message left by Bill Clinton that was “very nasty, very hurtful, very...well, very Hillary-ish. The former President called the Senator a ‘bloated, has-been, traitor, fat son of a bitch’. In the background I could hear Mrs. Clinton breaking things and screaming, ‘Fuck him. Get off the fuckin phone. Just send some flowers and a keg of Lite beer.”
A hospital spokesman said details regarding Kennedy’s condition will be released as soon as they become available.
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