WURZELBACHER STANDS TO REAP MILLIONS
From Obscurity to International Fame In A Flash
The most popular American in the civilized world:
Hero, plumber, dupe, dope and heart throb,
Joe the Plumber.
(Oct.30, Defiance, OH) Not since Elvis “The Pelvis” Presley exploded on the Rock n’ Roll scene; not since the birth control pill ushered in the era of free love; not since Silly Putty, The Frisbee, WWF, or the fry Daddy has there been a phenomenon like “Joe The Plumber”. Joe Wurzelbacher, a barely literate, tax evading, bald headed, unlicensed plumber was thrust into the limelight by happenstance and has captured the imagination of the nation, if not the world, in a matter of a few short weeks. His chance encounter with Barak Obama at a campaign rally near Toledo proved to be the catalyst for Joe’s meteoric blast into celebrityhood.
John McCain yanked this dimwitted, chrome domed, goof ball from anonymity during the last Presidential debate by invoking his name dozens of times as the de facto representative of “every man”, the “common man”, the salt of the earth, family values, hard working, God fearing John Q. Public’s that are the backbone of this nation. Since that fateful night, Joe has become iconic; his every word eaten up by the press and public alike. Joe has almost instantaneously become the most popular American in America. His image is plastered everywhere around the world, respected by billions, held in the highest esteem as the living, breathing symbol of baseball, apple pie, Budweiser and the American dream.
Although he missed a campaign appearance with John McCain here this morning due to a wretched hang over, this larger than life buffoon draws unprecedented adoring crowds numbering into the hundreds of thousands where ever he appears. As McCain introduced Joe the Absent, once he realized the wildly popular superstar was not in attendance, he set the crowd on fire saying “well, Joe, thanks for all you’ve done for America.” Old women were seen fainting, younger women were whipped into a frenzy at the mere mention of his name. Men of all ages placed their hands over their hearts pledging allegiance to The Flag and Joe the Plumber. Some in the crowd were seen weeping; others shrieked. Several teenage girls began to tear their clothes off and speak in tongues. Their adoration for Joe, the desire to be in proximity to that inspiring Unclogger, seemed to be driving some of the fevered throngs to madness. Not since The Beatles arrived in America, the Paris Hilton sex tape hit You Tube, or OJ Simpson led LAPD on a low speed chase after butchering his wife, have the masses of Americans been so captivated by a man. Young and old sacrifice life and limb merely to get the chance to touch him, catch a glimpse of him; some, just to be in his presence and hear with their own hungry ears his words of wisdom, patriotism and utter banality.
Corporations, businesses and manufacturers of all types are desperately pursuing Joe to endorse their products or services. Joe is currently being represented by the publicist who counts such stellar, universally recognized, powerhouse entertainers such as John Sedaca, Leon Redbone, AAron Tippin, Carrot Top and Merle Haggard.
Frank Lee Crass, the world renowned media consultant,who has advised Mega-stars including Hulk Hogan, Fats Domino, Kato Kalin, Senator Larry Craig, Ted Bundy, Al Bundy and Ruth Buzzy, has been retained as a member of Team Plumber. Crass met with reporters this afternoon at the Defiance Moose Lodge. “ Joe Wurzelbacher is already bigger than Michael Jordan, Jeffry Dahmer, Brittany Spears, Bob Novak, Michael Jackson and Madonna combined. His earning potential from endorsements, speaking engagements, his country music career, the book he will right and the vast ocean of opportunity he now sails on, will make him one of the richest, best known men on the planet”, Crass noted. He continued, “I can tell you just a few of the offers already pouring in. some of which Joe already has signed contracts for are: Hormel will launch a new liverwurst called ‘Wurzelwurst’, Oscar Meyer ‘Wurzels’ will be in your grocers spam and scrapple aisle shortly, and 432 ‘Wurzelburger’ outlets will open in all 50 states by Christmas. Bill Gates has agreed to change his company’s name to ‘Wurzelsoft’, Volkswagen will be known as ‘Wurzelwagon’ and the City of Winston-Salem, North Carolina has enacted legislation to change it’s name to ‘Wurzel’-Salem, NC. Folks, this is only the beginning”, a beaming Crass shouted.
Hollywood has also been smitten by the knuckle dragging toilet specialist and is planning several projects featuring Joe. Warner Brothers Studios is working on a remake of the 1970’s detective show “Kojak”, with Joe in the title role. Universal Pictures has already inked a deal to have Joe reprise the role made famous by Arnold Schwartzenegger and plans to release “The Wurzelnator” by next summer.
Random House announced just hours ago that Joe will author a series of children’s books, which may lead to a Nickelodeon series entitled, “Joe the Toe”, which of course will star Wurzelbacher. Wurzelbacher will open on Broadway in the famous role played so brilliantly for decades by Yul Brenner, in a star studded revival of “The King and I” updated to “The Plumber and I”.
The only criticism the overwhelming demonstrations of admiration, adulation and agitation Joe is receiving, has come from the campaign of Barak Obama. Joe Axlerose, chief strategist for Obama said, “ While we appreciate the American public’s inexplicable love affair with Joe the mope, we are concerned that he now has a larger Secret Service protective detail than Senator Obama. The Secret Service has taken agents from Obama’s detail and reassigned them to the Joe detail. We find this troubling. Maybe in the future some deranged or even sane people will seek to assassinate Joe, but for now, it seems that Barak Obama might face a greater threat. Wurzelbacher’s misshapen heads looks bullet proof. I assure you, Obama’s is not nearly as thick.”
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Thursday, October 30, 2008
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