Alaska Republican Senator Ted Stevens
Telling reporters how many bribes he took during an average week.
“…and the nearer your destination, the more
You’re slip slidin’ away.”
Paul Simon
(Oct.27, Hershey, PA) Ted Stevens, the 84 year old Republican Senator from Alaska, was found guilty yesterday on seven felony counts of giving false statements to Congress. These falsehoods were the Senator’s vain efforts trying to hide illegal gifts he received from an oil tycoon and Here today, the GOP Presidential candidate, John McCain called for sleazy, fossilized, corrupt and demented Stevens to resign his Senate seat. Stevens, also known as “The King of Pork” for his ability to deliver continually disproportional amounts of federal money for pork barrel projects to his state of under 700,000 residents. While McCain campaign operatives are beginning to accept the impending landslide that will bury their candidate, some were outspoken regarding the additional damage Steven’s conviction inflicts to the Republican Party just eight days before the election. “Ted Stevens is a true Republican, a real American scumbag, sleaze ball, crooked, greedy hack. The fact that he has been a long time friend of John McCain’s does hurt us at a time we can ill afford even more baggage”, commented a high ranking McCain staff member speaking on the condition of anonymity.
The addled senate veteran, Stevens, pled not guilty to all charges and vowed last tonight to “return home on Wednesday” to fight for his re-election. The specifics of the charges of corruption and bribe taking, influence peddling and felonious stupidity were all related to Stevens taking gifts and services from people in Alaska who had business pending before a committee Stevens chairs. “These gifts, which, in all honesty, amounted to some real crap, were definitely given with the intention of having some return from Stevens. Not only was this a “quid pro quo” arrangement, it was just pitifully stupid. Some of the shit Stevens accepted, like hideously awful furniture, would not even be allowed in a consignment shop. This guy took crap, junk and trash for what? You’d think he’d been bright enough to at least benefit from the bribes he took”, said Assistant Federal Prosecutor Dillard P. Dillon.
Fellow Alaskan and McCain running mate, Governor Sarah Palin, who was politically mentored by the moronic Stevens, did not support McCain in his suggestion for Steven’s the convict to cease his re-election bid and resign from the Senate. “You betchya, I think Ted Stevens is a great man. He’s been good for America, big oil, big business and most importantly for Alaska, Alaskans and himself. Only the out of touch media elite think that a man should resign from the Senate just because he was convicted of seven felonies. What has that got to do with anything?” screamed Palin during this afternoon’s campaign rally.
Stevens’ conviction was just the latest torpedo to strike below water level to the Republican ship which has been listing for weeks. As McCain’s presidential campaign continues to implode, the election prospects for all GOP incumbents is grim. The entire Republican Party finds themselves precariously perched on the sagging shoulders of John McCain. As their standard-bearer, McCain, Captain of their doomed ship, must remain on the bridge. Maritime tradition dictates the he go down with his ship. Hopefully, he will take down the balance of the Republican incumbents with him. After the last air bubbles roil the surface of the sea, no sign will be visible of the hulking wreckage now submerged forever in Davy Jone’s locker.
Copyright TBC 2008 © All Rights Reserved
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