Speaking to reporters at the Asian Pacific Economic Conference (APEC) in Australia this week, United States President, G.W. Bush announced his intention to “end” the Korean War. Reactions to this statement from world leaders expressed a high level of confusion, skepticism and dismay. Australian Prime Minister John Howard seemed somewhat surprised and said “I did not realize there was a Korean War going on”.
While technically North and South Korea have been locked in a stalemate since the 1953 , the United States and North Korea signed an armistice agreement thereby ending 3 years of military conflict on the Korean peninsula and creating the Korean Demilitarized Zone (DMZ) at the 38th parallel effectively dividing the troubled peninsula into two autonomous nations. “The , ah...DMZ...the Korean War must come to an end. I believe this war should end and I plan on ending it when the generals on the ground tell me to end it. I won’t play politics with this Korean thing no matter who says what” stated President Bush. His aides and members of his cabinet seem to have been caught off guard by his tough rhetoric. The Pentagon, according to anonymous insiders, is scrambling to prepare for whatever contingencies the president decides on. General Cal Amity of the US Army told reporters that “We are prepared to do whatever our Decider tells us to do. We think we can end this Korean mess quickly...once the Koreans stand up we can stand down or stand aside. Once we put boots on the ground we will kick Korean ass into next year. We can do this...I think”.
President Bush elaborated on his comments later in the day at a hastily called press conference. “I know we can kick ass...and make no mistake about it, asses need to be...um...kicked. Democracy is spreading and Koreans love to spread it...they , all...um God loving people, even those who do not believe in God or anything...should....um...must have the chance to be free and spread...”, the president told reporters. The press conference quickly devolved into a raucous shouting match as the press corps hammered Bush about his abject failures to end the war in Iraq. Bush responded angrily and said at one point that “hey, I’m gonna do first things first...ah...this...the Korea thing has been going on for a long time...I think we need, ah, I need to be a leader and lead us and them outta this mess for the good of all good people. If we don’t defeat the Koreans in Korea they will follow us home because they hate our lifestyle, they hate our food and movies...hell, they don’t even like NASCAR”.
North Korean Ambassador to the United Nations, Fuk duh Duk strongly condemned Mr. Bush’s comments and said ‘I tink Boosh have head up ass and need to keep mouf shut. He don’t know Koreans like US movies, Starsky Hutch, Wheel of Fortune and Oprah. Boosh have problem in Iraq, not wit Korea”. White House spokesman Tony Snow said that “the president did not necessarily say he wanted to end the Korean War. If you look closely at his comments he made it clear that the war must end but no time table was indicated. He has long thought that benchmarks were needed and he will now seek to find and establish those benchmarks”.
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