Tuesday, April 15, 2008



(April 15, Washington, DC) In an effort to better establish herself among voters as a “common” person, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted a yard sale in front of her $2.85 million home here on Whitehaven Street around the block from Embassy Row. In the aftermath of Barak Obama’s statements considered by many to be offensive to small town and rural residents, Mrs. Clinton is doing all she can to paint Obama, the Democratic frontrunner as an “elitist”.

Beginning last weekend when Hillary spent Saturday night getting rip-roaring sloppy drunk while drinking shots and beers in Indiana, everyday she makes another alteration to her image hoping to solidify the notion of her “commonness” with working class voters.

The inconsistencies in her claims and condemnations of Senator Obama for being “elitist” and “out of touch “with the common person, have not been without backlash. It has been well document in the press that Mrs. Clinton and her husband, former President Bill, reported earnings of almost $109 million since Mr. Clinton left office in 2001. The fact that they own several very expensive residences and live well beyond the imagination of most common people, the New York senator is insistently trying to convince voters that she is “one of them”.

To that end today, Mrs. Clinton held a yard sale in front of her Washington DC home. The sidewalk in front of her home was cluttered with rolling garment racks heavily burdened by the hundreds of pants suits, overcoats, sportswear and other wardrobe items. When word of her yard sale made its way through the neighborhood and into DC proper, the crowds began to appear. Many of Hillary’s trademark, designer, tailor-made pant suits which had each cost well over $1200 were sold for as little as $18 in some cases. Several of the pant suits had to sold as ‘separates’ because the jacket easily fit the woman buying it while the pants would have been far too large for the buyer. One shopper, Glynnis Wynn from Washington DC said “Hell yes, I bought 3 of those pants suits. One is black, one is kinda tan and the other is lime green. My fat-assed husband will have to wear the pants…they just way too big for me”.

Many of the potential buyers decided to simply browse and not make any purchases. One of them, Brenda Fontaine who traveled from Baltimore commented, “Hail no, I ain’t buyin’ none a this shit. Can you believe some of the colors of this crap? You’d think a woman who went to college and was married to a President would have much better taste in clothes. I wouldn’t wear any a this shit if I was bare assed naked in December”.

While the yard sale went on outside, Mrs. Clinton sat with reporters in one of the well appointed parlors in her glamorous, stately home. “I will only be wearing clothing from Walmart, Target and perhaps, Sears. I never really liked wearing such expensive, custom made clothing, fine jewelry and outrageously expensive garments. I’m just a regular gal from Illinois who ~~~BELCH~~~ likes to hunt, fish, skeet shoot, arm wrestle and get drunk”, Mrs. Clinton told reporters. She continued while taking hefty swigs from a half pint bottle of Popov Vodka, “I remember my grandfather teaching me to ```FART``` shoot a shotgun when I was about 3 years old. He was enormously proud of me when I shot my first bear in fourth grade and just as proud when I accidentally shot his neighbor Lloyd while I was home from Yale Law School.”

While the furnishing and décor in her home were obviously very expensive, the candidate herself was dressed in camouflage pants, Walmart work boots and a Philadelphia Eagles tee shirt with several whole and a large ketchup stain on the front. When a reporter asked about the stain, Hillary , smiled shyly, belched a few times, picked her teeth with a pocket knife answering, “Oh this?? I didn’t even notice that. Oh, now I remember. I had a few burritos, a chile dog and fries for breakfast this ~~~BURP~~~ morning. I guess I use a little too much ketchup on my fries”.

As Hillary escorted the reporters out of the multimillion dollar mansion, one of the journalists commented on the art adorning the richly paneled walls. Mrs. Clinton began to smile broadly and, as she scratched her large, flabby ass elaborated saying, “This is a favorite of mine. The dogs playing poker on velvet is a classic. I bought this from a truck stop in Arkansas and believe it is one of the finest works of art ever. Over here”, said the Presidential candidate, “is a gorgeous rendition of Elvis. It is made of small beads Elmer's glued to black velvet. I think it would be a fine addition to the Oval Office.”

As the reporters began to rapidly flee, the yard sale outside appeared to have been a failure. Lanny Davis, one of Hillary’s most ardent, clinging, adoring, homosexual, Jewish supporters sadly commented, “They just wouldn’t buy this beautiful stuff. They are tasteless pagans, republicans, no friends of ours.” Hillary, despite her known affection for the ass-kissing, toe-licking, brown-nosing Lanny Davis, reeled back and punched Mr. Davis as hard as she could in the balls. “Hey, Lanny. Go get me a fuckin’ beer. And while you’re at it, bring my spittoon out here too”, Mrs. Clinton bellowed in a feral tone.

The Clinton Campaign is expected to participate in an event tomorrow night in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Among the activities Mrs. Clinton has announced she will participate in are, the hog castrating competition, the cow flop tossing contest and the Hairiest Chest in the Upper Piedmont Region. Insiders claim that she is a virtual “shoe-in” to win all these events and, perhaps, the Gizzard Eating Glutton-A-Thon as well.

Senator Clinton currently trails behind Senator Obama in national polls by at least 10 percentage points and is dropping steadily in polls conducted in Pennsylvania, Indiana, North Carolina and Puerto Rico.

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