Monday, April 14, 2008


Performance Raises Concerns Among RNC Insiders

(April14, Washington, DC) Presumptive Republican Presidential Nominee, Senator John McCain of Arizona, appeared here this morning partaking in a national conference for reporters and editors. The 71 year old, 4 term Senator made some opening comments and then participated in a lively Question and Answer session with the audience.

Senator McCain wasted no time and added to the controversy surrounding Democratic Presidential hopeful, Senator Barak Obama of Illinois, and comments he made 9 days ago. While speaking at a private fundraiser in Marin County, California, Mr. Obama said that many voters in small towns were “bitter”, prompting them to “cling” to “guns and religion”. Since his comments were made public late last week, he has been under fire from all sides, particularly from his Democratic opponent, Hillary Clinton. He has since apologized for his choice of words but, essential, “stands behind” the “truths” he spoke about.

McCain said that he “doesn’t know” Obama well enough to call him “elitist” but did criticize him nonetheless. “Look, my friends, Barak Obama may have forgotten we are in a war against Islamo-Facists and that terrorism is the transcendent issue of our time. People should be bitter about being in a war we didn’t need to be in, but, we fight them there so we don’t have to fight them here. They should not be bitter just because they lost a job, had there house foreclosed, are paying almost 44 a gallon for gasoline and have no health insurance. These are not reasons to be bitter, my friends; these are reasons to be proud.”

The questions shifted away from Senator Obama and to the war in Iraq. McCain has been a strong, vocal, supporter of the war. When asked about current conditions in Iraq, McCain replied, “Look, my friends, we have Sunnis killing Sunnis, Sonny’s killing Cher’s, Shi’ites, fighting with everybody. But we are making tremendous progress. Iraqi forces have reduced fighting among the Bloods and Crips, Yankees and Red Sox and the first signs of peace have been seen between the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s.” Reporters began to ask for more detailed answers but McCain seemed to be somewhat disoriented and his responses were not relevant to the questions asked.

At one point, McCain was asked about military operations outside Baghdad which had the Senator replying, “My friends, our operations with the Iraqi Security Forces are really restoring order. We have the Turds in the North who really should have their own country but we all know that Turkey would not tolerate Turdistan. Turkey’s have been our allies since the Cola Wars and we need them. The Kurds are Kurds. Turds can take care of themselves.”

A follow up questioner pointed out to the obviously confused Senator, that he had misspoken when he referred to the Kurds as Turds. “Listen, son, I know what the transcendent mission of our lifetime is. Make no mistake about it; Turds, Kurds, birds, and herds all need to get along with the rest of Iran. They should also think about getting along with Iraq. Maybe they all need iPods, iPhones, iMacs, I-beams and Jim Beam.” The audience fell silent as McCain seemed pleased by his own answer and simply stood at the podium grinning out at the crowd. He prodded playfully, “Ok, my friends, whose turn is it now? I lived in Viet Nam for several years and I expect to be asked hard questions, tough questions, the kind of questions that only I have the experience, judgment and character to answer. So go ahead, ask me anything.” He made several funny faces, a rude gesture and burped several times.

A brave reporter from the Associated Press stood and asked the Senator if he was “feeling alright.” McCain began to do a jig, then he lifted the podium and threw it into the audience. “How’s that for an answer? I feel like a rutting buck. Just ask Cindy what we did all weekend. Even if she wasn’t a millionaire heiress, I would’ve married that fine piece of tail. I am ready, willing and fit to do this job. I am ready to follow Osama Bin Laden, John Madden, and Rosie O’Donnell to the gates of hell.”

The next set of questions resumed after the podium was returned to the stage and McCain was given an injection by his physician in attendance. The gathered journalists wanted McCain to elaborate on some of the statements he recently made while on his “Biography Tour”. Asked about his time spent as a Navy pilot training in Florida, the Senator wistfully replied, “My friends, those were the days. I was able to drink, chase women, crash aircrafts and all sorts of real fun things. You know, my father was an Admiral. He did not fight Islamo-Facists like I must, but he did let me wreck cars. Those were happy, innocent days. I lived with a broad once, while overseas”. The questioner inquired if McCain had meant to say he lived ‘abroad’. The Senator began to laugh heartily and then said, “Yes, I was abroad, overseas with a broad. She was a fine gal. I used to fly around all day bombing targets and spend all night abroad with other broads. I was never bored while abroad and certainly never bored abroad when I was with a broad.”

Some of the female journalists in attendance began to complain about McCain’s use of the term “broad” when referring to a woman. “Listen, the transcendent issue of my time is not a broad, a dame, a twist, a tart, a whore, a piece of ass or a pizza pie. You bitches out there don’t know what it’s like to be at war abroad or at war with a broad so, I suggest, my friends, you trust me to know what I will do as President, OK”.

The Senator abruptly, but politely, asked to be excused from further questions because “I have to take a squirt. The old bladder isn’t what it used to be. That’s why I take Flomax, Ex-Lax and Tic-Tacs.” McCain ran off the stage and plans to attend a fundraiser this evening in North Carolina.

Copyright TBC © 2008 All Rights Reserved

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