BUSH WANTED LUNAR ECLIPSE SHOT AT ALSO
(Feb. 20, Washington, DC) Tonight in the Pacific Ocean, west of the Hawaiian Island, the USS Lake Erie will launch a specially modified missile in an effort to blow up a satellite that is falling to earth. The United States spy satellite has been dysfunctional since December 2006 and is expected to crash to the earth sometime in March. The decision to blow it up with a missile was made by President George W. Bush who has never, during his tenure as Commander in Chief, passed up an opportunity to blow something up.
Initial projections from NASA, the NSA, CIA and CNN predicted the errant satellite would not pose a threat to earth as its orbital altitude decreases. However, additional computer models indicated the 5000 pound object was falling at a rate of speed upwards of 21, 500 miles per hour. The real threat aboard the satellite is its full tank of frozen, toxic hydrazine propellant. Rear Admiral Gus “Harry” Nevus speaking to reporters at the Pentagon earlier said “Heck, if we were certain it was going to land in New Jersey or Iowa, someplace like that, we’d just let the old girl drop. But, it might hit someplace that matters and then we could have troubles”.
Commander of the guided missile destroyer USS Lake Erie (whose name is classified), charged with executing this challenging task, was interviewed via phone from the bridge of his ship. “I assure you the Staff and Crew of this fine vessel are well prepared and honored to be trusted with this mission. We have no doubt we will succeed. Besides that, even if we do miss, there won’t be any collateral damage”, commented the Annapolis grad. He added, “This mission is about doing good. We are so accustomed to doing bad that the notion of doing good is good. We enjoy launching missiles where ever we are told to. Shooting one into space to prevent a catastrophe on earth, well, that is a noble chore. Frankly, I and my crew are bored with launching missiles at Middle Eastern countries. This will be a nice break. Besides, the President says we get some R & R in Honolulu if we hit the bitch on the first shot. Believe you me; we need some R & R”.
After meeting with tribal leaders and journeymen warriors in the African nation, Ghana, President Bush visited with the traveling press. He answered a wide variety of questions with incoherent, rambling, fragmented utterings better understood by the tribal leaders then the press. “We can’t have it. That’s as simple as I can say it. My generals and admirals, the folks on the ground around there told me we had to blow this satellite up. I agreed. We can’t have some satellite just smashing into our country…our, er…ah,…planet. I won’t have it. I’m the decider and I decided, let’s blow the fucker up”. The President then departed for a rhino ride, safari and green monkey hunt. Once atop the rhino, over his shoulder, a smiling Bush yelled to the press, “Hey y’all, they tell me we might be able to see the explosion from here.”
Earlier in the week, Mr. Bush caused some controversy when he announced that he ordered the Navy to shoot missiles at the lunar eclipse which will occur tonight. He made comments while on board Air Force One saying, “That eclipse doesn’t know who it’s dealin’ with. No force or influence can or will interfere with military actions. We are prepared to blast that eclipse out of the sky if we have to but, of course, that is a last resort. We can negotiate but…” Presidential aides cut Mr. Bush off mid sentence and escorted him to a private cabin.
Copyright © 2008 TBC All Rights Reserved
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
NO MORE SYMPATHY
IT’S THE STORY, NOT THE DEATH
Voyeuristic Element of Infotainment
(Feb. 18, New York, NY) It’s never about a person; it is always about an event. This is an old complaint, a tired observation and commentary on who we are, as a people, when it comes to life. Not the phony arguments about “Life” as posited by the right wing conservatives. (Their hypocrisy is another matter.) Life, as in, that time each human being spends on earth as a sentient, cognizant being fully imbued with all the capabilities, emotions, desires, etc… as we all are. There is a baseline of commonality beyond those that define a species.
The theories and arguments are really not important. Even cancer has an unknown etiology. It’s not about movie and TV violence, violent music lyrics, video games or sports. It is not about somehow being culturally immune to and callous about the loss of human life. Notions like these seem to say that we were somehow victims of some force or forces that somehow mysteriously altered us. We don’t know how, when or where this mystery alteration occurred nor what precisely created it. This entire line of thinking is such a flimsy, cheap, overused, excuse that most people seem to accept it as fact. May there exist some modicum of truth within these arguments? Perhaps. Are there external cultural influences that affect some of us more profoundly than others? Sure. Has our threshold for mayhem, murder and catastrophe been heightened by what we are exposed to in the various media? Most certainly.. But all of these elements have the feel to them that we were victimized. Victimization, such as this would imply, supposes mass susceptibility, negation of logic, reason and emotion on a vast scale that seems inherently implausible.
A female psychiatrist is hacked to death in the “Silk Stocking District”, Manhattan’s Upper East Side, in the 19th Precinct. Five college students are murdered, shot to death, sitting in a geology lecture at Northern Illinois University. The body of a female student is discovered in the desert outside Las Vegas: she had been raped, murdered and her corpse had lain in the badlands for approximately one week prior to discovery. Some distraught teenager shoots up a shopping mall in Omaha. The list goes on and a new list is being generated as this is being written.
During a recent week of events involving the unnatural loss of life, the Newark (NJ) Star Ledger reported that the City of Newark had actually gone 33 days WITHOUT a homicide. Points of reference? The absence of unnatural death was NEWS; news worthy of being reported. What does that indicate, if anything? Everything is relative, right? Certainly it is. Cable news outlets cover a single isolated abduction, murder or other crime with a zest and zeal unabashedly sordid and exploitive. Microphones are thrust into the facing of miners weeping wives as the fate of their husbands trapped underground is uncertain. Witnesses and survivors relate their experiences over and over again as if they are recounting a verified alien abduction. We eat it up. We suck it all in and quickly thirst for more.
There is a “chicken or the egg” component to this phenomenon. Do we drink it all in because it is put in front of us in all its sensationalistic, Technicolor, hi-def, pod-casted digital wizardry or is the media writ large merely satisfying our appetites? Yes, this debate has been on-going since the 1970’s. Perhaps most of the questions that define the issue are rhetorical, they merely serve as prompters for us to take a look at ourselves.
Copyright © 2008 TBC All Rights Reserved
Copyright © 2008 BronxWest Consulting
Voyeuristic Element of Infotainment
(Feb. 18, New York, NY) It’s never about a person; it is always about an event. This is an old complaint, a tired observation and commentary on who we are, as a people, when it comes to life. Not the phony arguments about “Life” as posited by the right wing conservatives. (Their hypocrisy is another matter.) Life, as in, that time each human being spends on earth as a sentient, cognizant being fully imbued with all the capabilities, emotions, desires, etc… as we all are. There is a baseline of commonality beyond those that define a species.
The theories and arguments are really not important. Even cancer has an unknown etiology. It’s not about movie and TV violence, violent music lyrics, video games or sports. It is not about somehow being culturally immune to and callous about the loss of human life. Notions like these seem to say that we were somehow victims of some force or forces that somehow mysteriously altered us. We don’t know how, when or where this mystery alteration occurred nor what precisely created it. This entire line of thinking is such a flimsy, cheap, overused, excuse that most people seem to accept it as fact. May there exist some modicum of truth within these arguments? Perhaps. Are there external cultural influences that affect some of us more profoundly than others? Sure. Has our threshold for mayhem, murder and catastrophe been heightened by what we are exposed to in the various media? Most certainly.. But all of these elements have the feel to them that we were victimized. Victimization, such as this would imply, supposes mass susceptibility, negation of logic, reason and emotion on a vast scale that seems inherently implausible.
A female psychiatrist is hacked to death in the “Silk Stocking District”, Manhattan’s Upper East Side, in the 19th Precinct. Five college students are murdered, shot to death, sitting in a geology lecture at Northern Illinois University. The body of a female student is discovered in the desert outside Las Vegas: she had been raped, murdered and her corpse had lain in the badlands for approximately one week prior to discovery. Some distraught teenager shoots up a shopping mall in Omaha. The list goes on and a new list is being generated as this is being written.
During a recent week of events involving the unnatural loss of life, the Newark (NJ) Star Ledger reported that the City of Newark had actually gone 33 days WITHOUT a homicide. Points of reference? The absence of unnatural death was NEWS; news worthy of being reported. What does that indicate, if anything? Everything is relative, right? Certainly it is. Cable news outlets cover a single isolated abduction, murder or other crime with a zest and zeal unabashedly sordid and exploitive. Microphones are thrust into the facing of miners weeping wives as the fate of their husbands trapped underground is uncertain. Witnesses and survivors relate their experiences over and over again as if they are recounting a verified alien abduction. We eat it up. We suck it all in and quickly thirst for more.
There is a “chicken or the egg” component to this phenomenon. Do we drink it all in because it is put in front of us in all its sensationalistic, Technicolor, hi-def, pod-casted digital wizardry or is the media writ large merely satisfying our appetites? Yes, this debate has been on-going since the 1970’s. Perhaps most of the questions that define the issue are rhetorical, they merely serve as prompters for us to take a look at ourselves.
Copyright © 2008 TBC All Rights Reserved
Copyright © 2008 BronxWest Consulting
Thursday, February 14, 2008
A SEA CHANGE?
IS IT REAL OR JUST THE WIND?
(Feb. 12, Madison, WI) After chalking up eight primary and / or caucus victories in the past seven days, now front running democratic presidential hopeful, Barak Obama spoke here tonight in front of an enthusiastic crowd upwards of 17,000 in number. He has now won contests in states in all regions of the country. The demographic specifics compiled in exit and other polling suggests the Illinois Senator is experiencing an ever increasing wide range of support throughout the voting populace. Be they men, women, young, old, black, white, well educated or minimally schooled, Americans of every stripe have caste votes for Mr. Obama.
Perhaps most surprised by Obama’s current ‘surge’ and growing popularity, are the people running Hillary Clinton’s campaign. The last month has seen her fall from virtual inevitable democratic candidate to playing catch up with Mr. Obama. Insiders, outsiders, reporters and pundits have begun to seriously consider questions about Hillary’s future that would have seemed unimaginable at the beginning of the year.
It was not supposed to be this way. The high-powered, finely tuned Clinton “Machine” with the former President, Bill Clinton leading this vast political armada, was expected to sail smoothly through the primary season, arrive at a safe harbor in Denver where the DNC Convention will take place in August; rearm, re-supply and cruise into the general election in November where victory would be certain.
Alas, now, the “Perfect Storm”. A renegade fleet commanded by an upstart freshman senator, a young man without the experience, savvy or tactical acumen of the Clinton Armada, has outflanked, out maneuvered and simply out sailed them. Not only was this flanking maneuver unanticipated, it was considered blatant piracy by the Clinton’s. Their first impulse was to launch an assault, a bombardment, hoping to scare off the Obama Fleet. That didn’t work and actually had serious negative consequences as they engaged in the waters off the coast of South Carolina.
Since that pivotal engagement the Clinton’s have been adrift, confused, suddenly in unfamiliar waters. What they may have failed to realize despite their years of political navigational experience was the shifting tides, the unusual winds of change that favored the smaller, swifter Obama Fleet.
This clash will go down in the annals of political combat as historic for a host of reasons. Perhaps most notable are the admirals themselves, a woman and a black man. Never before in our history have we witnessed such a confrontation. Hopefully, the tides and currents that are moving Fleet Obama forward are not merely transient forces. Hopefully they are fueled by the restive public, tired and weary of living with a federal government that threatens to drown most of those without the money to remain afloat on increasingly troubled waters. Maybe, just maybe, Fleet Obama will prevail and, in so doing, will mark the end of one chapter in our national and political history and usher in the next. Surely, the people, the vast majority of people are sick and tired of being hapless victims of a belligerent, unresponsive, arrogant, corrupt, inept, reckless, delusional ship of state that needs to be moth-balled immediately, if not sooner. The damage they have inflicted across the globe by their hubris and self-righteousness will take years to reverse. The storms they have generated have left vast swaths of our country and the globe soaked and gasping.
We can only hope Fleet Obama finds safe harbor and restores some sense and calm to the roiling seas of discontent, economic hardship and reverse the sense that we have been heading in the wrong direction for seven years.
Surely many battles await over the horizon but suddenly, as if we were asleep as it happened, it looks as if some rescue and relief is in sight.
Copyright © 2008 TBC All Rights Reserved
(Feb. 12, Madison, WI) After chalking up eight primary and / or caucus victories in the past seven days, now front running democratic presidential hopeful, Barak Obama spoke here tonight in front of an enthusiastic crowd upwards of 17,000 in number. He has now won contests in states in all regions of the country. The demographic specifics compiled in exit and other polling suggests the Illinois Senator is experiencing an ever increasing wide range of support throughout the voting populace. Be they men, women, young, old, black, white, well educated or minimally schooled, Americans of every stripe have caste votes for Mr. Obama.
Perhaps most surprised by Obama’s current ‘surge’ and growing popularity, are the people running Hillary Clinton’s campaign. The last month has seen her fall from virtual inevitable democratic candidate to playing catch up with Mr. Obama. Insiders, outsiders, reporters and pundits have begun to seriously consider questions about Hillary’s future that would have seemed unimaginable at the beginning of the year.
It was not supposed to be this way. The high-powered, finely tuned Clinton “Machine” with the former President, Bill Clinton leading this vast political armada, was expected to sail smoothly through the primary season, arrive at a safe harbor in Denver where the DNC Convention will take place in August; rearm, re-supply and cruise into the general election in November where victory would be certain.
Alas, now, the “Perfect Storm”. A renegade fleet commanded by an upstart freshman senator, a young man without the experience, savvy or tactical acumen of the Clinton Armada, has outflanked, out maneuvered and simply out sailed them. Not only was this flanking maneuver unanticipated, it was considered blatant piracy by the Clinton’s. Their first impulse was to launch an assault, a bombardment, hoping to scare off the Obama Fleet. That didn’t work and actually had serious negative consequences as they engaged in the waters off the coast of South Carolina.
Since that pivotal engagement the Clinton’s have been adrift, confused, suddenly in unfamiliar waters. What they may have failed to realize despite their years of political navigational experience was the shifting tides, the unusual winds of change that favored the smaller, swifter Obama Fleet.
This clash will go down in the annals of political combat as historic for a host of reasons. Perhaps most notable are the admirals themselves, a woman and a black man. Never before in our history have we witnessed such a confrontation. Hopefully, the tides and currents that are moving Fleet Obama forward are not merely transient forces. Hopefully they are fueled by the restive public, tired and weary of living with a federal government that threatens to drown most of those without the money to remain afloat on increasingly troubled waters. Maybe, just maybe, Fleet Obama will prevail and, in so doing, will mark the end of one chapter in our national and political history and usher in the next. Surely, the people, the vast majority of people are sick and tired of being hapless victims of a belligerent, unresponsive, arrogant, corrupt, inept, reckless, delusional ship of state that needs to be moth-balled immediately, if not sooner. The damage they have inflicted across the globe by their hubris and self-righteousness will take years to reverse. The storms they have generated have left vast swaths of our country and the globe soaked and gasping.
We can only hope Fleet Obama finds safe harbor and restores some sense and calm to the roiling seas of discontent, economic hardship and reverse the sense that we have been heading in the wrong direction for seven years.
Surely many battles await over the horizon but suddenly, as if we were asleep as it happened, it looks as if some rescue and relief is in sight.
Copyright © 2008 TBC All Rights Reserved
Saturday, February 9, 2008
EDWARDS AND ROMNEY START JOINT VENTURE
FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES UNITE AS BUSINESS PARTNERS
(Feb. 8, Detroit, MI) With both of their presidential ambitions dashed, Republican Mitt Romney and Democrat John Edwards announced today the formation of a new business venture. Their stated goal is to stimulate the economy in several major urban areas, create thousands of new jobs and restore hope in many areas of the country already suffering from the recession. While this bipartisan effort may appear odd at first glance, before they were politicians each of these men was a multimillionaire with a knack for making money. Romney, the former Massachusetts Governor was a corporate raider, venture capatilist-slash and burn-hostile take over-liquidation-layoff specialist who made millions as the CEO of Bain Capital.
The former North Carolina Senator, John Edwards began his career as an ambulance chasing-vulture who preyed on the misfortunate, maimed, injured, disabled, enfeebled, incontinent victims of everything from malpractice to product liabilities. Edwards entire campaign was centered on the notion that he was the champion of the working man, the downtrodden, the unheard, unwanted, unwashed, uneducated,unemployed, uninsured unsung heroes of America.
Romney, as a GOP hopeful, campaigned as the proud free market, rising-tides-lift-all-boats, can-do, problem solving, manager, troubleshooter,social, economic and moral conservative. The only things these men have in common besides being extremely wealthy, having been politicians, expert liars and each having run for president, is good hair.
At a joint press conference here today, Edwards and Romney spoke on the steps of a closed Ford factory. Romney had announced his candidacy from this spot months ago with a promise to bring jobs back to Michigan said “Friends, I told you I would bring jobs back. I keep my word. I am here today to tell you that within months anyone in Michigan who wants a good paying job will have one. They can work right here. This plant which once mass produced second rate sedans and pick ups will soon be producing shampoo, conditioners and styling gel”.
According to a press release, the new business will be called “Pander Hair and Grooming Products, Inc.” They will specialize in developing, manufacturing, distributing and marketing a wide range of hair care and other health and beauty aid products. They are financing the upstart costs with their own personal wealth but anticipate moving into profitability within a year.
With every hair on his own head well in place, Edwards commented, “We have been living in two Americas for far too long. That’s right two Americas. One for people with good hair, one for people without it. One for people who can afford a good stylist and one for those who can’t. I know what it’s like to live in both Americas. My daddy worked in a mill all his life and once a week he put a bowl on top my head and cut my hair. I remember my mother cryin’ and I remember him smackin’ the tar outta her. Right then I said to myself, I will have good hair and help other people have good hair.”
Romney, his own coif a marvel of modern synthetic chemistry continued, “John’s absolutely right. Ronald Reagan had great hair but he grew up poor and earned it. If you notice, most people have bad hair. I’m sorry, that’s a fact. That leads them towards poverty, abortion, crime, drug abuse, shoplifting, illegally immigrating and all the other things that Ronald Reagan fought against. Once our factories are up and running we will create more jobs than anyone can imagine and, everyone will look good too”.
As their press conference meandered on into total idiocy, most of the gathered crowd departed while shouting profanities or throwing snowballs and debris at Edwards and Romney. Left with no choice they sat for interviews with the press.
Romney , answering questions related to job growth and economic opportunity said, “Listen, these will be good jobs. I’m just as concerned with job growth as I am hair growth and the growth of our economy is vital to both”. Asked if he knew what he was talking about, Romney replied candidly, “Not really...I mean, not exactly...you see, I just spent over 60 million dollars of my own money running for president and I think I lost my mind along the way. I spent the last year lying, pandering, eating shitty pork chops and corn with fat, dumb Iowa farmers, kissing babies, changing positions whenever I could. Hell, I don’t even know what day it is...I actually had a wet dream last night about Candy Crowley...”, as his words trailed off into high pitched laughter. Sensing his partner was in trouble, Edwards spoke up noting. “There are Americans right now in places like this and New Orleans who have no hope, no job, no future. We will give them hope and jobs and all that stuff. We will build factories in the poorest parts of this country, pay everyone a fair, but minimum wage, allow them to buy health insurance, pay union dues, fulfill the American dream. We plan to only have our employees work a 32.5 hour work week so we won’t have to give them benefits. No. They will have plenty of time to go out and get a second job at Taco Bell or a liquor store. If they’re truly ambitious and a bit luck maybe they will stick a curling iron up their ass or swallow a crayon, get burned by scalding coffee and be able to sue. That is their right. Sue. Sueing iis the American way. Yes, we will make this one America again”.
As the reporters departed, one asked “Who will you guys support for president”? Edwards looked at Romney, they stood silent. They slowly embraced and began to weep, softly at first but, within seconds both were wailing like a lactose-intolerant toddler with a wet diaper trapped in a crib with a rabid raccoon.
Edwards and Romney are presently both resting comfortably, sedated into oblivion, at the East Lansing Psychiatric Home for the Imbecilic and Chronically Misguided.
When news of this event reached those candidates still out on the campaign trail, it was met with mixed reactions. GOP former Arkansas Governor, Mike Huckabee said, “Our Lord works in mysterious ways. I think they should both be treated in a humane, compassionate way. Especially John Edwards. I never really cared much for that heathen, pagan, polygamist Romney”.
Speaking on behalf of his wife, democratic candidate, Hillary Clinton, former president Bill Clinton commented, “Fuck them. Fuck them both. I’m sorta glad about what happened. I hope they both get electric shock therapy. Really. It worked wonders for Hillary and I know she’ll make a fine president”.
Copyright © 2008 TBC All Rights Reserved
(Feb. 8, Detroit, MI) With both of their presidential ambitions dashed, Republican Mitt Romney and Democrat John Edwards announced today the formation of a new business venture. Their stated goal is to stimulate the economy in several major urban areas, create thousands of new jobs and restore hope in many areas of the country already suffering from the recession. While this bipartisan effort may appear odd at first glance, before they were politicians each of these men was a multimillionaire with a knack for making money. Romney, the former Massachusetts Governor was a corporate raider, venture capatilist-slash and burn-hostile take over-liquidation-layoff specialist who made millions as the CEO of Bain Capital.
The former North Carolina Senator, John Edwards began his career as an ambulance chasing-vulture who preyed on the misfortunate, maimed, injured, disabled, enfeebled, incontinent victims of everything from malpractice to product liabilities. Edwards entire campaign was centered on the notion that he was the champion of the working man, the downtrodden, the unheard, unwanted, unwashed, uneducated,unemployed, uninsured unsung heroes of America.
Romney, as a GOP hopeful, campaigned as the proud free market, rising-tides-lift-all-boats, can-do, problem solving, manager, troubleshooter,social, economic and moral conservative. The only things these men have in common besides being extremely wealthy, having been politicians, expert liars and each having run for president, is good hair.
At a joint press conference here today, Edwards and Romney spoke on the steps of a closed Ford factory. Romney had announced his candidacy from this spot months ago with a promise to bring jobs back to Michigan said “Friends, I told you I would bring jobs back. I keep my word. I am here today to tell you that within months anyone in Michigan who wants a good paying job will have one. They can work right here. This plant which once mass produced second rate sedans and pick ups will soon be producing shampoo, conditioners and styling gel”.
According to a press release, the new business will be called “Pander Hair and Grooming Products, Inc.” They will specialize in developing, manufacturing, distributing and marketing a wide range of hair care and other health and beauty aid products. They are financing the upstart costs with their own personal wealth but anticipate moving into profitability within a year.
With every hair on his own head well in place, Edwards commented, “We have been living in two Americas for far too long. That’s right two Americas. One for people with good hair, one for people without it. One for people who can afford a good stylist and one for those who can’t. I know what it’s like to live in both Americas. My daddy worked in a mill all his life and once a week he put a bowl on top my head and cut my hair. I remember my mother cryin’ and I remember him smackin’ the tar outta her. Right then I said to myself, I will have good hair and help other people have good hair.”
Romney, his own coif a marvel of modern synthetic chemistry continued, “John’s absolutely right. Ronald Reagan had great hair but he grew up poor and earned it. If you notice, most people have bad hair. I’m sorry, that’s a fact. That leads them towards poverty, abortion, crime, drug abuse, shoplifting, illegally immigrating and all the other things that Ronald Reagan fought against. Once our factories are up and running we will create more jobs than anyone can imagine and, everyone will look good too”.
As their press conference meandered on into total idiocy, most of the gathered crowd departed while shouting profanities or throwing snowballs and debris at Edwards and Romney. Left with no choice they sat for interviews with the press.
Romney , answering questions related to job growth and economic opportunity said, “Listen, these will be good jobs. I’m just as concerned with job growth as I am hair growth and the growth of our economy is vital to both”. Asked if he knew what he was talking about, Romney replied candidly, “Not really...I mean, not exactly...you see, I just spent over 60 million dollars of my own money running for president and I think I lost my mind along the way. I spent the last year lying, pandering, eating shitty pork chops and corn with fat, dumb Iowa farmers, kissing babies, changing positions whenever I could. Hell, I don’t even know what day it is...I actually had a wet dream last night about Candy Crowley...”, as his words trailed off into high pitched laughter. Sensing his partner was in trouble, Edwards spoke up noting. “There are Americans right now in places like this and New Orleans who have no hope, no job, no future. We will give them hope and jobs and all that stuff. We will build factories in the poorest parts of this country, pay everyone a fair, but minimum wage, allow them to buy health insurance, pay union dues, fulfill the American dream. We plan to only have our employees work a 32.5 hour work week so we won’t have to give them benefits. No. They will have plenty of time to go out and get a second job at Taco Bell or a liquor store. If they’re truly ambitious and a bit luck maybe they will stick a curling iron up their ass or swallow a crayon, get burned by scalding coffee and be able to sue. That is their right. Sue. Sueing iis the American way. Yes, we will make this one America again”.
As the reporters departed, one asked “Who will you guys support for president”? Edwards looked at Romney, they stood silent. They slowly embraced and began to weep, softly at first but, within seconds both were wailing like a lactose-intolerant toddler with a wet diaper trapped in a crib with a rabid raccoon.
Edwards and Romney are presently both resting comfortably, sedated into oblivion, at the East Lansing Psychiatric Home for the Imbecilic and Chronically Misguided.
When news of this event reached those candidates still out on the campaign trail, it was met with mixed reactions. GOP former Arkansas Governor, Mike Huckabee said, “Our Lord works in mysterious ways. I think they should both be treated in a humane, compassionate way. Especially John Edwards. I never really cared much for that heathen, pagan, polygamist Romney”.
Speaking on behalf of his wife, democratic candidate, Hillary Clinton, former president Bill Clinton commented, “Fuck them. Fuck them both. I’m sorta glad about what happened. I hope they both get electric shock therapy. Really. It worked wonders for Hillary and I know she’ll make a fine president”.
Copyright © 2008 TBC All Rights Reserved
Thursday, February 7, 2008
ROMNEY: “SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO THE BEATLES”
MITT EXITS GOP RACE
Cites Money & Mormonism For Dismal Showing
(Feb. 7 Washington, DC) After spending over $60 million of his own personal fortune, former Massachusetts Governor, republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney announced he was “suspending” his campaign. His announcement came during a speech to the Conservative Political Action Conference here earlier. His departure alters the GOP field leaving only John McCain and Mike Huckabee seriously in the contest. Texas Congressman, Ron Paul has not collected any delegates in the caucuses and primaries held to date.
Romney began his bid for the presidency long before the majority of other contenders. His personal wealth allowed him to spend lavishly, (some would say recklessly, foolishly), in the earliest caucus and primary states of Iowa and New Hampshire. Despite his huge outlay of cash which bought him widespread advertising, top dollar consultants, media, some name recognition , his own staff of traveling hair stylists, and the Ames Straw Poll, his message, he personally, never really caught on. There were far too many questions and doubts about him and his candidacy then there was belief in his abilities and readiness to serve as commander-in-chief.
Among the core republic base composed of right wing Christian conservatives and Evangelicals, Romney’s Mormonism was always an obstacle in the way of their acceptance of him. Oddly, during a press conference hastily arranged after his speech, Romney himself commented, “Being raised a strict Mormon sheltered me from many things in my formative years. Only recently did I hear the Beatles song from 1964 entitled ‘Money Can’t Buy Me Love’, I was really taken by that concept. I thought money could buy me anything. After all, it always has. Once it bought me the Ames Straw Poll last August, my belief was it would certainly buy me the presidency”.
His immediate political future unclear, Romney said as he departed for his private jet, “ Money can’t buy me love or an election but it can buy me a boat load of other stuff. Right now I’m gonna buy a bottle of scotch, every Beatles CD I can find and two prostitutes. After that flight, who knows...I might buy myself a divorce or a Hummer.”
Copyright © 2008 TBC All Rights Reserved
Cites Money & Mormonism For Dismal Showing
(Feb. 7 Washington, DC) After spending over $60 million of his own personal fortune, former Massachusetts Governor, republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney announced he was “suspending” his campaign. His announcement came during a speech to the Conservative Political Action Conference here earlier. His departure alters the GOP field leaving only John McCain and Mike Huckabee seriously in the contest. Texas Congressman, Ron Paul has not collected any delegates in the caucuses and primaries held to date.
Romney began his bid for the presidency long before the majority of other contenders. His personal wealth allowed him to spend lavishly, (some would say recklessly, foolishly), in the earliest caucus and primary states of Iowa and New Hampshire. Despite his huge outlay of cash which bought him widespread advertising, top dollar consultants, media, some name recognition , his own staff of traveling hair stylists, and the Ames Straw Poll, his message, he personally, never really caught on. There were far too many questions and doubts about him and his candidacy then there was belief in his abilities and readiness to serve as commander-in-chief.
Among the core republic base composed of right wing Christian conservatives and Evangelicals, Romney’s Mormonism was always an obstacle in the way of their acceptance of him. Oddly, during a press conference hastily arranged after his speech, Romney himself commented, “Being raised a strict Mormon sheltered me from many things in my formative years. Only recently did I hear the Beatles song from 1964 entitled ‘Money Can’t Buy Me Love’, I was really taken by that concept. I thought money could buy me anything. After all, it always has. Once it bought me the Ames Straw Poll last August, my belief was it would certainly buy me the presidency”.
His immediate political future unclear, Romney said as he departed for his private jet, “ Money can’t buy me love or an election but it can buy me a boat load of other stuff. Right now I’m gonna buy a bottle of scotch, every Beatles CD I can find and two prostitutes. After that flight, who knows...I might buy myself a divorce or a Hummer.”
Copyright © 2008 TBC All Rights Reserved
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