FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES UNITE AS BUSINESS PARTNERS
(Feb. 8, Detroit, MI) With both of their presidential ambitions dashed, Republican Mitt Romney and Democrat John Edwards announced today the formation of a new business venture. Their stated goal is to stimulate the economy in several major urban areas, create thousands of new jobs and restore hope in many areas of the country already suffering from the recession. While this bipartisan effort may appear odd at first glance, before they were politicians each of these men was a multimillionaire with a knack for making money. Romney, the former Massachusetts Governor was a corporate raider, venture capatilist-slash and burn-hostile take over-liquidation-layoff specialist who made millions as the CEO of Bain Capital.
The former North Carolina Senator, John Edwards began his career as an ambulance chasing-vulture who preyed on the misfortunate, maimed, injured, disabled, enfeebled, incontinent victims of everything from malpractice to product liabilities. Edwards entire campaign was centered on the notion that he was the champion of the working man, the downtrodden, the unheard, unwanted, unwashed, uneducated,unemployed, uninsured unsung heroes of America.
Romney, as a GOP hopeful, campaigned as the proud free market, rising-tides-lift-all-boats, can-do, problem solving, manager, troubleshooter,social, economic and moral conservative. The only things these men have in common besides being extremely wealthy, having been politicians, expert liars and each having run for president, is good hair.
At a joint press conference here today, Edwards and Romney spoke on the steps of a closed Ford factory. Romney had announced his candidacy from this spot months ago with a promise to bring jobs back to Michigan said “Friends, I told you I would bring jobs back. I keep my word. I am here today to tell you that within months anyone in Michigan who wants a good paying job will have one. They can work right here. This plant which once mass produced second rate sedans and pick ups will soon be producing shampoo, conditioners and styling gel”.
According to a press release, the new business will be called “Pander Hair and Grooming Products, Inc.” They will specialize in developing, manufacturing, distributing and marketing a wide range of hair care and other health and beauty aid products. They are financing the upstart costs with their own personal wealth but anticipate moving into profitability within a year.
With every hair on his own head well in place, Edwards commented, “We have been living in two Americas for far too long. That’s right two Americas. One for people with good hair, one for people without it. One for people who can afford a good stylist and one for those who can’t. I know what it’s like to live in both Americas. My daddy worked in a mill all his life and once a week he put a bowl on top my head and cut my hair. I remember my mother cryin’ and I remember him smackin’ the tar outta her. Right then I said to myself, I will have good hair and help other people have good hair.”
Romney, his own coif a marvel of modern synthetic chemistry continued, “John’s absolutely right. Ronald Reagan had great hair but he grew up poor and earned it. If you notice, most people have bad hair. I’m sorry, that’s a fact. That leads them towards poverty, abortion, crime, drug abuse, shoplifting, illegally immigrating and all the other things that Ronald Reagan fought against. Once our factories are up and running we will create more jobs than anyone can imagine and, everyone will look good too”.
As their press conference meandered on into total idiocy, most of the gathered crowd departed while shouting profanities or throwing snowballs and debris at Edwards and Romney. Left with no choice they sat for interviews with the press.
Romney , answering questions related to job growth and economic opportunity said, “Listen, these will be good jobs. I’m just as concerned with job growth as I am hair growth and the growth of our economy is vital to both”. Asked if he knew what he was talking about, Romney replied candidly, “Not really...I mean, not exactly...you see, I just spent over 60 million dollars of my own money running for president and I think I lost my mind along the way. I spent the last year lying, pandering, eating shitty pork chops and corn with fat, dumb Iowa farmers, kissing babies, changing positions whenever I could. Hell, I don’t even know what day it is...I actually had a wet dream last night about Candy Crowley...”, as his words trailed off into high pitched laughter. Sensing his partner was in trouble, Edwards spoke up noting. “There are Americans right now in places like this and New Orleans who have no hope, no job, no future. We will give them hope and jobs and all that stuff. We will build factories in the poorest parts of this country, pay everyone a fair, but minimum wage, allow them to buy health insurance, pay union dues, fulfill the American dream. We plan to only have our employees work a 32.5 hour work week so we won’t have to give them benefits. No. They will have plenty of time to go out and get a second job at Taco Bell or a liquor store. If they’re truly ambitious and a bit luck maybe they will stick a curling iron up their ass or swallow a crayon, get burned by scalding coffee and be able to sue. That is their right. Sue. Sueing iis the American way. Yes, we will make this one America again”.
As the reporters departed, one asked “Who will you guys support for president”? Edwards looked at Romney, they stood silent. They slowly embraced and began to weep, softly at first but, within seconds both were wailing like a lactose-intolerant toddler with a wet diaper trapped in a crib with a rabid raccoon.
Edwards and Romney are presently both resting comfortably, sedated into oblivion, at the East Lansing Psychiatric Home for the Imbecilic and Chronically Misguided.
When news of this event reached those candidates still out on the campaign trail, it was met with mixed reactions. GOP former Arkansas Governor, Mike Huckabee said, “Our Lord works in mysterious ways. I think they should both be treated in a humane, compassionate way. Especially John Edwards. I never really cared much for that heathen, pagan, polygamist Romney”.
Speaking on behalf of his wife, democratic candidate, Hillary Clinton, former president Bill Clinton commented, “Fuck them. Fuck them both. I’m sorta glad about what happened. I hope they both get electric shock therapy. Really. It worked wonders for Hillary and I know she’ll make a fine president”.
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