Wednesday, February 20, 2008



(Feb. 20, Washington, DC) Tonight in the Pacific Ocean, west of the Hawaiian Island, the USS Lake Erie will launch a specially modified missile in an effort to blow up a satellite that is falling to earth. The United States spy satellite has been dysfunctional since December 2006 and is expected to crash to the earth sometime in March. The decision to blow it up with a missile was made by President George W. Bush who has never, during his tenure as Commander in Chief, passed up an opportunity to blow something up.

Initial projections from NASA, the NSA, CIA and CNN predicted the errant satellite would not pose a threat to earth as its orbital altitude decreases. However, additional computer models indicated the 5000 pound object was falling at a rate of speed upwards of 21, 500 miles per hour. The real threat aboard the satellite is its full tank of frozen, toxic hydrazine propellant. Rear Admiral Gus “Harry” Nevus speaking to reporters at the Pentagon earlier said “Heck, if we were certain it was going to land in New Jersey or Iowa, someplace like that, we’d just let the old girl drop. But, it might hit someplace that matters and then we could have troubles”.

Commander of the guided missile destroyer USS Lake Erie (whose name is classified), charged with executing this challenging task, was interviewed via phone from the bridge of his ship. “I assure you the Staff and Crew of this fine vessel are well prepared and honored to be trusted with this mission. We have no doubt we will succeed. Besides that, even if we do miss, there won’t be any collateral damage”, commented the Annapolis grad. He added, “This mission is about doing good. We are so accustomed to doing bad that the notion of doing good is good. We enjoy launching missiles where ever we are told to. Shooting one into space to prevent a catastrophe on earth, well, that is a noble chore. Frankly, I and my crew are bored with launching missiles at Middle Eastern countries. This will be a nice break. Besides, the President says we get some R & R in Honolulu if we hit the bitch on the first shot. Believe you me; we need some R & R”.

After meeting with tribal leaders and journeymen warriors in the African nation, Ghana, President Bush visited with the traveling press. He answered a wide variety of questions with incoherent, rambling, fragmented utterings better understood by the tribal leaders then the press. “We can’t have it. That’s as simple as I can say it. My generals and admirals, the folks on the ground around there told me we had to blow this satellite up. I agreed. We can’t have some satellite just smashing into our country…our, er…ah,…planet. I won’t have it. I’m the decider and I decided, let’s blow the fucker up”. The President then departed for a rhino ride, safari and green monkey hunt. Once atop the rhino, over his shoulder, a smiling Bush yelled to the press, “Hey y’all, they tell me we might be able to see the explosion from here.”

Earlier in the week, Mr. Bush caused some controversy when he announced that he ordered the Navy to shoot missiles at the lunar eclipse which will occur tonight. He made comments while on board Air Force One saying, “That eclipse doesn’t know who it’s dealin’ with. No force or influence can or will interfere with military actions. We are prepared to blast that eclipse out of the sky if we have to but, of course, that is a last resort. We can negotiate but…” Presidential aides cut Mr. Bush off mid sentence and escorted him to a private cabin.

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