HILLARY’S MENTAL STATUS BECOMING LARGER WORRY

DOCTORS, INSIDERS & OBSERVERS FEAR THE WORST
Hillary Appears Afflicted By Same Mental Disorders As George W. Bush

(May 8, Washington, DC) Special Medical Report


Portions of what is present day Washington, DC sit atop what once were malarial swamps. Until almost 1900, our nation’s capitol city was largely a ghost town during the summer months; the politicians fled fearful of contracting the disease. Ultimately, the swamps were drained; the city reclaimed the land, expanded and effectively eradicated malaria.

Apparently, other dreadful diseases have taken the place of malaria over the years. It is a true and widely held belief that the negative pathology that afflicts those who come here is power. “Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Our history over the past 118 years has provided numerous examples of the validity of that concept. It has become so accepted as a truth that it has evolved into a cliché. The corrupting influence of power has been well known and documented for centuries. However, over the last decades here the etiology of corruption has mutated, it now comes in so many variants and strains that it is difficult to begin to control much less eradicate.

Perhaps between early 2001 until now, the 2008 Presidential Primary season, this town has seen the most severe outbreak of profound illnesses, disorders and diseases proliferate, particularly among those elected officials in the Executive and Legislative branches of government. It could be argued that anyone employed by the federal government on any level may also be (if not already is) infected or at least have a compromised immunity for resisting these maladies.

Just as there are those theorists, sociologists, physicians and others positing the concept that violence is a ‘disease’ and should be approached as such, it follows that what ails of elected officials is also a disease or combination of disorders that should also be treated accordingly. Actually, examining the collective behavior of our government objectively, this disease theory becomes increasingly plausible. We have witnessed behaviors so bizarre, thinking so disastrously skewed, narcissism, arrogance, and a wide range of delusional disorders, that no other logical explanation suffices.

One might consider the summer of 2001 to be the source point for this current epidemic. Obviously there was some vector responsible for the absolute and total failure on all levels of our federal government, particularly those employed by “intelligence” agencies, to be prepared for a terrorist attack. The events of September 11, 2001 served as a catalyst to rapidly disperse the infective agents throughout the corridors of power. The White House was obviously a receptive breeding ground for the outbreak to thrive. Virtually within weeks of the attacks, this Administration was exhibiting clear symptomology of a host of cognitive, personality and delusional disorders. Sadly, the intervening years have seen the virulence of these unknown infective agents reek havoc on everyone who has served in the White House, Congress, CIA, DOD, FBI and numerous other agencies. By the time George W. Bush had decided to start a war in Iraq, his congenitally limited mental capabilities were significantly, if not morbidly diminished.

Up to this point, the most seriously affected have been Mr. Bush and his boss Dick Cheney. Their cases represent the worst manifestations of the infections and have proven to be lethal and, for some fatal. They are clear examples of the host surviving the illness while others die as a result of their illness.

However, a case, potentially as severe, has recently alarmed many inside and outside the Beltway. Some officials had thought that perhaps, when all the Bushies vacated Washington DC in January 2009, this outbreak would become more isolated and thereby manageable. Their hopes have dimmed considerably as they have noted the worsening condition of Hillary Clinton. “She is manifesting all the identical symptoms regarding being disassociated from reality, delusional, paranoid and appears to be getting worse daily”, commented a physician who has studied these disorders at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. He spoke under conditions of anonymity fearing if his identity became known to the Clinton campaign, his life will be in danger.

“The pattern of stubborn refusal to recognize objective truth, the egotistical certainty of her mission is as profound as George W. Bush’s. I had long thought that Bush and his associates were the most advanced cases I have ever or would ever see. I fear Mrs. Clinton is deteriorating so rapidly that she may ultimately become as infected as Bush”, continued this physician.

Last month, Hillary’s husband, former President Bill Clinton, speaking at a campaign event, revealed previously unknown facts regarding Mrs. Clinton’s health and mental state. Mr. Clinton said, “Hillary is 60 years old. She forgets things. By 11 o’clock at night, she is barely coherent. She has suffered in silence for many years. I feel her pain...I really do”. The gathered crowd was now silent as the former President continued, “My wife, God bless her soul, has advanced untreatable fibromyalgia. She has chronic Prickly Heat, Irritable Bowel Syndrome and has battled Rickets since her days at Yale. She walks in her sleep, has episodes of urinary and bowel incontinence aside from enduring the agony of energy consuming, rib shattering acute flare-ups of Flatulence Basso Profundo. As hard as she works and has worked her entire life in support of women and children she cannot even have the comfort of a good night’s sleep. That’s why I sleep on the couch. Hillary is in the advanced stages of Restless Leg Syndrome, ADHD, St., Vitas Dance and is highly susceptible to sudden bouts of violent rage, gnashing her teeth, sometimes foaming at the mouth and bulimia. As her husband, it is all very difficult to watch her suffering.”

Since making those startling revelations publically, some have wondered if Mr. Clinton was sugar-coating his wife’s actual physical and mental condition. Dr. Sanjay Buddi Croupa of CNM commented, “Clearly, this is a deeply disturbed woman. Her divorce from reality is so pronounced, it would probably be in her best interest and that of those close to her, that she be immediately confined to a psychiatric hospital. Perhaps one in any of the former Soviet Republics would be her best chance for some degree of recovery.”


Article written with contributions from Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, Pine Valley Asulym for the Pitifully Deranged, CDC, NIH, PETA, Dr. Phil, and AFLAC.

Copyright TBC 2008 © All Rights Reserved

PRESIDENT’S FATHER AT THE END OF HIS ROPE

Former President Offers To Sacrifice Himself



Former President George H. W. Bush demonstrates
how he would atone for the sins of his son George W. Bush.


(April 29, Houston, TX) The 41st President of the United States and father of the current US President is reportedly so despondent about the myriad disasters his son, George W. Bush is responsible for, that he has offered to sacrifice himself in the hopes of sending a clear message to citizens of America and the world. At a hastily called news conference here, the elder Bush appeared distraught, haggard, exhausted and near tears. Merle Haggard was also with him.

Former President Bush told the gathered reporters in an unprepared statement that, “I am sorry. You all cannot believe how sorry I am. Had I ever even imagined that one man, a son of mine, could and would wreak such havoc around the world, I would never have helped him become president. It breaks my heart as a former President, a Navy World War II veteran and as a Dad, to think of the suffering my son has caused. I’ve already smacked his mother around a little bit and, now, I am ready to take on some responsibility for my boys tragic, criminal, insane Administration.”

Bush senior was in obvious distress as he spoke before a silent press corps. Country music legend turned has been, Merle Haggard handed Mr. Bush a large hand gun as the former President sobbed uncontrollably. After composing himself somewhat, Mr. Bush continued with his remarks. “A poorly planned, unnecessary war sent poorly equipped troops to die. My son and his cronies have grown richer as people are loosing their homes, our economy is worse than it was when I was President, gasoline is $4 a gallon, food is going through the roof, our military is being destroyed. We treat our veterans terribly, offer no mental health, have them living in dilapidated VA hospitals and other scummy places, have over 25,000 of them come home without limbs, eyes, ears. The blood on my son’s hands and on Cheney’s, Rumsfeld’s and all those other lunatics can never be washed away. I am broken hearted that George W. Bush came from my loins. After all I’ve done for him; this is the thanks I get. I got him into the Air National Guard so he wouldn’t have to go to Viet Nam. But, he has sent millions of other kids into harms way without a plan, a strategy or any thought. I feel I owe it to all Americans, particularly those who are serving and have served in the military, their families and friends, to offer myself up as the ultimate sacrifice.”

As the former President dissembled into a sputtering, weeping heap, he was comforted by Mr. Haggard and several passers-by outside the Houston Hilton. Mr. Bush, as he began sipping on a bottle of cheap bourbon told reporters that he had not yet set a date for his sacrificial ceremony. In the past Mr. Bush has parachuted from a plane to celebrate his birthday. Initial indications are that this year he might jump from a plane without a parachute. “I’d hate to see the old boy blow his brains out. It would be much better if he went to his reward doing something he always enjoyed. I think jumping without a chute would be a powerful statement. The only regrettable aspect of it is that his son George W will not be with him”, said an anonymous source who is a close friend, drinking buddy,
and fellow member of an incontinence support group Mr. and Mrs. Bush attend.

Copyright 2008 TBC © All Rights Reserved

BUSH TRIES NEW APPROACH FOR ECONOMIC STIMULUS

President George Bush participates in tribal dance on the South Lawn
In an effort to bolster the sagging economy.


(April 25, The White House) As the US economy continues to decline, President George W. Bush is willing to employ novel approaches to prevent an all out recession. Every day one of the leading economic indicators, the stock and bond markets, industry and virtually every sector of our diverse economy appear to show a worsening crisis. Much has been made about the “mortgage meltdown” that has resulted in mass foreclosures and a stagnant housing market. The Administration had been roundly criticized for its involvement in crafting a bail-out deal for the investment bank Bear Sterns last month.

At the same time the Administration refuses to acknowledge what every other American knows: our war in Iraq has been draining our national treasury by an estimated $3 billion per month. Staggering costs of the military efforts, foreign aid and civilian contracts associated with the efforts have added untold millions to the protracted Iraq war with no end in sight. Actually, the depth and profundity of the Bush Administrations failure to recognize reality is beyond surreal; it is, as many Constitutional scholars have noted, “criminal”. Dr. Heywood Z. Bayhelsch, Professor of Constitutional Law at George Mason University said, “The fact that Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney will walk away from the enormous mess they have created , will go down as one of the greatest unprosecuted series of Executive branch acts ever perpetrated in the history of America. The Articles of Impeachment should have and could have been invoked years ago. Had anyone in Congress had any balls at all, Bush, Cheney and many others would be in prison now.” This statement is common among many senior experts in American History, Presidential History, Constitutional Law and other specialties. Presidential Dolores Kearns Goodwin, one of the most highly regarded of all living Presidential Historians said, “In no other time in our history would an Administration like this have been tolerated. Actually, Bush and Cheney are products of our times. They will go down in the annals of infamous political figures and are among the dumbest human beings ever elected to public office of any kind at any time.”

Despite recent efforts by the Administration, the Secretary of Treasury, The Council of Economic Advisors, The Federal Reserve and other related agencies, our economy sinks daily further into danger. The national debt and our trade deficit are at all time highs as even today crude oil tops $119 a barrel as the American consumer pays an average of $4 a gallon at the pump.

Seeking to dramatically demonstrate his vigorous efforts to fix our broken economy, President Bush invited several tribal healers, elders, medicine-men, drummers, dancers, snake charmers, and tribesmen known to speak in tongues to the White House today. With his participation the gathered tribesmen, members of the Indi Hulloo Shamalamadingdong tribe, once numerous in the southwest, performed a ritual dance to the gods. Speaking through an interpreter, The Chief of the Shamalamadingdong’s said, “We are honored to be at this House of White with all time Big Bush. We know gods are unhappy and that is why US economy in sewer. Bush contact us, he know of us from when he was in Texas. We come to perform dance, sacrifice and other rituals to make gods happy and help Big Bush get economy and self out of huge shit hole”.

Invited members of the press who witnessed the ceremonial dances, chanting, small to medium sized animal sacrifices, self mutilation, group masturbation and burning of various stinky herbs and spices were surprised to see just how enthusiastically Mr. Bush participated in all aspects of the ceremonies. David Gregory, Senior White House correspondent for NBC News commented, “I am simply amazed, speechless. I have covered this president for most of the past 8 years. I have seen him do some stupendously moronic, idiotic, senseless things in those years. I have seen him drift further and further into a delusional state of near delirium. I have seen him start a war, ruin and economy, wreck our worldwide reputation and dramatically alter the course of history, to our detriment, for generations to come. This ceremony today, though, was pretty bizarre. Bush seemed to go into a trance at one point, and after they sacrificed a mongoose, an armadillo and a prairie dog, just as the masturbation ritual was about to begin, Mr. Bush bit the forearm of a Secret Service agent who attempted to remove the president from the circle jerk.”

Later, somewhat winded, dazed, and even more confused than normal, Mr. Bush told reporters that “Heck< I wanted to participate in it all. I mean…ah…ya see,…my whole time in the White House has basically been a big, long circle jerk so, um…I…ah…didn’t see, I mean I wanted to see how these fellas did it. I bet Dick would have enjoyed it. I know I did.”

Copyright TBC 2008 © All Rights Reserved

OBAMA HIRES SHAMAN & EXORCIST TO EXPEL CLINTON

Hillary Beast Survives Night Of Living Dead

(April 23, Evansville, IN) The growing frustration inside the Barak Obama campaign escalated significantly last night as his persistent, maniacal opponent saved her sinking campaign by scoring a victory in the Pennsylvania primary. While both Clinton and Obama fought hard in this key state each spending millions in their efforts, it was old fashioned politics that won the race for Clinton. With the support of Pennsylvania Governor, Ed Rendell and his vast, corrupt, shady political machine at her disposal, Hillary managed to grease enough palms, apply sufficient pressure where ever possible and toss around enough “walking around money” in the black community, to win by a margin of 10 percentage points. While her overall plight remains the same – she continues to trail Obama in popular votes and pledged delegates - last night’s win allows her rotting corpse of a campaign to continue to putrefy the process, do damage to her own party and virtually assure a victory for the GOP’s John McCain in November.

“I will say she has morphed into something of a horror movie monster. Just when you think her rotten campaign is finally dead, she somehow manages to emerge from the deep, dark open grave. Frankly, when I know I will be seeing her in person I always wear a glove of garlic around my neck. She scares the hell out of me”, said Democratic Party Chairman, Howard Dean. “There is the possibility she is not human. Certainly she demonstrates few of the basic qualities of humanity. She is masterful, though, at deception, spewing toxic venom, sorcery and shape-shifting. I believe only a silver bullet or a stake driven into her heart could stop her campaign”, commented Denis Kucinich, a former democratic presidential rival.

The Obama campaign expected a Clinton victory but was making every effort to keep her margin of error to within the single digits. “Yes we are disappointed but, thankfully, we are still ahead. This might give her new political life on the trail but does little to improve her chances of ever getting the nomination”, noted Dave Axelrod, head of the Barak campaign.

Some insiders close to other insiders who are a bit further inside the Obama camp and a great deal closer to those closest to the insiders, speaking anonymously, revealed that “We hear they are bringing in a shaman, an old-fashioned medicine man to see if that helps. There has been talk of finding an exorcist but, thus far, there has not been a response from the Jesuits at Georgetown. We also know that several practitioners of Santeria have been consulted and may be providing some candles and other stuff to see if that helps.” Clearly, from leaks such as these, Team Obama is coming to terms with the true nature of his tenacious opponent.

While some political pundits and observers debunk the claims that Hillary is evil incarnate and has made a deal with the devil to advance her own political agenda and career, some are not as quick to dismiss this line of thought. Dr. Parcel de Poste, a PH.D. in Paranormal Psychiatry at the University of Minnesota commented, “To be completely objective about it, to look at her, if you really study her face and eyes, it is very difficult to believe she is not at least insane or, at worst, pure evil.”

An interesting quirk regarding Mrs. Clinton’s personal travel habits may be more revealing than initially realized. During the Iowa Caucuses, a chambermaid at the Pig, Corn and Bean Motel in Flattus, Iowa told reporters that when she went into clean the room Hillary was staying in, “all the mirrors were covered up.” Rumors that an android clone meticulously crafted to appear, sound, behave, rant and rave just like the real Hillary Clinton, is utilized for her appearances during daylight hours. This would lend credence to the theory that Mrs. Clinton is actually “among the un-dead”. “Her aversion to sunlight, her fear of her mirror image…things like that should give us all great concern”, said General Mal Hayes, commander of the ultra secret military base in Nevada simply known as “Area 51”. General Hayes continued, “We do some cutting edge research into paranormal phenomenon here. We work closely with Sandia National Laboratory and the folks at Los Alamos. It is the conclusion of all involved that Hillary Clinton is about as Para-normal, if not down right abnormal, as can be. We would like to drop her into the Hindu Kush Mountains just to see if she could find Bin Laden. We’ve tried everything else plus, it would put all her negative energy to positive use.”

The Clinton camp, suddenly bolstered by last night’s victory, promises that the tide has turned for her campaign. This type of self delusion and collective idiocy is common among some gangs, most religious cults and all failed and failing political campaigns.

BIN LADEN TO McCAIN: “BRING IT ON”

AL Q’EADA’S LATEST VIDEO TAUNTS GOP PREZ CANDIDATE


(April 20, Doha, Qatar) In a lengthy video delivered to the Arabic TV network headquartered here, Al Jezeera, Osama Bin Laden, the most wanted man in the galaxy, railed against America, George W. Bush and the US led efforts in Iraq. The spiritual head of Al Q’eada, Bin Laden saved some of his sharpest, most specific comments for the presumptive Republican Presidential candidate, Arizona Senator, John McCain.

Al Jezeera contacted the US Central Intelligence Agency, the US Department of Homeland Security, the National Security Agency and provided Hi-Def copies of the video to all. Initial analysis by the United States intelligence community confirms that they have, in fact, received a video. Speaking for the NSA Rear Admiral Walter “Salty” Doggen commented, “Yes. It is a video. We have received a video from Al Jezeera. Osama Bin Laden, or someone who looks a whole lot like him, is on that video. It is in Hi-Def so, as you can imagine, the picture is beautiful.”

Shali-wa-Walawala Bingbang, spokesman for Al Jezeera, told reporters during a press conference earlier that “ We have reviewed the video very carefully. It has been rigorously scrutinized by experts, both on our staff, and from several mid-Eastern governments. We are prepared to say that, this video is authentic. It is absolutely Osama Bin Laden speaking on that video.”

The Director of the CIA, General Michael V. Hayden, issued a statement immediately after receiving the copy of the OBL video. “ We have directed that at least 1 or 2 of our top analysts will dissect this video. While most of our 30,000 member staff are far too busy studying intelligence collected 20 years ago about the USSR, and protecting their pensions, we have found one Farsi speaker, a former Pashtun tribesman, and an Urdi speaking owner of a 7-11 in Detroit available to dedicate themselves to this effort.”

Hours later, a highly placed source, an aide of Stephanie O’Sullivan the Director of the CIA Science, Fiction and Technology Unit, speaking anonymously said, “This video is the most detailed message we have gotten from Bin Laden in years. He is articulate, angry, inspiring and hyperbolic. I can see how this video will play well among his supporters and serve as a very effective recruiting tool.” Another aide in the same office, also speaking not for attribution revealed, “This video is a direct challenge to John McCain, a withering criticism of George W. Bush and his administration and a direct marriage proposal to Jessica Simpson. This last issue has us all on high alert. Obviously, Bin Laden is not aware that Ms. Simpson married Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, several weeks ago. Once he finds out, he might blow up Israel or simply activate sleeper cells world wide to go berserk.”

A top official at Al Jezeera, Hamdi Hamdu Tudaloo, released a partial transcript of this video to Ian Dirk Stout, a reporter for the BBC stationed in Mecca. Stout told his colleagues back in London that he was initially concerned that Tudaloo would reveal to authorities in Qatar that he was in possession of a cheap bottle of gin. After a substantial bribe was paid to Tudaloo, Stout was able to wire back the following excerpt of Bin Laden directly addressing the American public and Ms. Simpson.

“All Blessings and Glory to Allah and, if it pleases him, as his servant I will speak to the infidels. All glory and strength emanates from Allah and it is with this wisdom and inspiration I tell American peoples that if the old man married to young woman who owns beer factory and looks like Jessica Simpson's mother, Praise be to Allah, John McCain, we have confidence that he will continue boneheaded policies that are destroying US economy, military and reputation. With the help of Allah, he who is who he is, McCain will continue Bush crusades in the Valley of the Tigress and Euphrates, Basra and Najahf, Sodom and Gomorra, Here and There, Timbuktu, Tippacanoe and Tyler too. If Allah, all Praise and Blessings due unto him, will bless us in our holy efforts against pagans, infidels, neo-cons, labor union members, those that consume alcoholic spirits with wife of former US President and fans of the Cowboys from Dallas, we will, Allah willing, emerge victorious.”

In response to these inflammatory if not threatening remarks, McCain was removed from his cryochamber where he spends most of his downtime rejuvenating in the solitude of a cylindrical vessel at a temperature of -421 degrees Celsius. After he completed a rapid thaw he told reporters that “I will follow him, Bin Laden to the gates of hell. I know the transcendent mission of the last 400 years and I will defeat radical Islamo-Facists where ever they dare to show their ugly turbaned heads. This is my calling, my friends, this is all our callings. Every generation is called upon to some noble calling and, once called, we had all better be called and committed to the calling for which we were called. By the way, who is Jessica Simpson?”

The CIA, FBI, NSA, OTB, NASCAR, BET, CNBC and AARP have vowed to work through the night analyzing this latest video message from Osama Bin Laden in the hope of having an analysis. Stephen R. Kappes of the CIA issued a powerful, barely coherent statement tonight promising to “Take every analyst off the Gorbachov desk, get every available person off the Fidel Castro Task Force and even cancel our softball season until we nail this Osama thing down. We know it will be a slam dunk and if not we will say it was anyway.”

Copyright TBC © 2008 All Rights Reserved