IN VP’S CHEST
(Oct. 17, Washington, DC) George Washington University Medical Center Cardiothoracic surgeon, Dr. Art T. Rhehull, held a press conference this morning, two days after performing a cutting edge, partially invasive surgical procedure on Dick Cheney’s heart. The Vice President underwent this operation and was released from the hospital before his condition was revealed to the press. Dick has a long history of significant cardiac disease including several massive, but not massive enough, heart attacks, and abnormal rhythms. Cheney has had several by-pass procedures and several stents inserted into his cardiac arteries.
Dr. Rhehull opened the press briefing with a prepared statement that had been vetted and approved by the CIA, NSA, DOD, KKK, FBI, UPS and SOB. “Vice President Cheney experienced an irregular heart beat while plotting with advisors his plans to bomb Syria, Iran, Turkey and New Jersey. He was transported here by the Secret Service. We confirmed that Mr. Cheney was having an episode of atrial fibrillation: his heart was beating erratically, almost as erratically as John McCain’s thought process. He was swiftly prepped for surgery. Once on the operating table his heart was stopped for a brief period of time. During this state of induced death, we were able to insert a revolutionary cardio-stabilizing device. Developed by DARPRA and assembled at a secret location by Halliburton nano-engineers, the device, known as the Cardiac Reactor Arterial Pacemaker Powerpack (CRAPP) this device will automatically send a regulated jolt of electrical current any time its sensors detect any future episodes of abnormal sinus rhythms. Essentially, this means, Dick Cheney will never have to undergo an invasive heart surgical procedure again.”
Above, the CRAPP in Cheney's heart enlarged 1,000,001 times.
(Photo Courtesy of CIA.) * May not be actually representation of CRAPP device. CIA just wanted to mention that.
Speaking to the press via secure satellite closed circuit, closed captioned, Bluetooth enabled, Hi-Def, Wi-Fi uplink, the Chief Nano-Engineer at Area 51 in Nevada, Lt. Col. Newhouse “Skipper” Bibby, MD, PhD, PE, NORAD, USAF (ret.), provided a very superficial explanation of these space aged, new fangled, highly classified, for his eyes only, stop, drop and roll, materials and devices. “CRAPP was made possible by SCUM. It is fair to say that without SCUM, the CRAPP in Mr. Cheney’s chest would not be there today. The entire device can easily fit on the head of a pin. CRAPP contains 7 miles of nano-tube piping, over 12 acres of carbide carbon fiber, a classified number of Intel microchips and is powered for perpetuity by a nuclear reactor. It is available in gunmetal grey or desert-scape camouflage. It is beyond amazing that, due to our advanced developments in nano-technology, we are able to use so much SCUM to make a single CRAPP. The intricate complexity of construct and function of this device, makes the human cell, comparatively speaking, seem like a Frisbee. In my opinion, SCUM will allow nano-medical devices of unimaginable benefit to mankind. We are currently researching methods to use our SCUM in bio-weaponry, hideously painful torture as well as other beneficial applications that will help spread democracy to evil-doers everywhere.” Dr. Bibby’s uplink was suddenly cut off.
President Bush spoke with reporters in the Oval Office and commented, “Vice President Cheney is doing …ah…well. I missed him lots while he was at the hospital. It’s always good to have my Dick back. We are all grateful to the brilliantly bright, doctors, nurses and other smart folks that allowed Dick to be back with us. His artificial heart machine will be able to do things his…ah… own real heart could never do. Having Dick back with all that SCUM and CRAPP in his upper chest area, is a real gift to all Americans and will put fear in the hearts and minds of those who hate our way of life around the world or where ever they may be hiding. The last thing extreme, fascist, Muslim fundamentalist, terror causing, name calling, stone throwing, back biting, Mecca facing, bad and dangerous leaders and followers of leaders want to see, is a Dick in the White House with all new and indestructible SCUM and CRAPP in his heart. May God bless Dick and me, and all fun loving, freedom wanting, folks here abroad and over seas.”
President Bush took no questions from the press and was reportedly going to join Mr. Cheney in his undisclosed location to have a CIA briefing, a meeting of the NSC and to work on a jigsaw puzzle he has had trouble completing.