Assaults Women, Steals Car:
Stolen car being driven by former President Bill Clinton
crashes through group of cyclists in Central Park.
(June 4, New York, New York) The day after his wife, Hillary, effectively lost the chance to be her party's presidential nominee, her husband, former President Bill Clinton went on a wild rampage that must be considered the most bizarre episode in what had been a very cantankerous primary between the presumptive nominee, Barak Obama and Mrs. Clinton.
The Clinton's arrived back here yesterday afternoon. Hillary gave an odd speech to supporters in the "Bear's Den", the underground auditorium at Baruch College. Her speech was not a concession or acknowledgement of reality but rather a rambling, delusional call to arms of some sort. The junior Senator from Illinois, Barak Obama, had achieved the required number of delegates last night. Hillary had gone from inevitable frontrunner to loser in the span of six months. Her husband, an active surrogate for her on the campaign trail became increasingly volatile as it became more evident that his wife would not win her primary battle.
He had been demonstrating troubling behavior for months with his outbursts, tantrums and other episodes becoming more frequent recently. During the entire time he campaigned for his wife, he was a "loose cannon" often making statements the campaign would have to denounce or deny. His statements ranged from racially offensive to outright ignorant and vile particularly as the last primaries in South Dakota and Montana approached. Earlier this week a lengthy article published in Vanity Fair, depicted Mr. Clinton as acting inappropriately, associating with dubious companions, partaking in shady business deals and carousing with women. The article quoted anonymous close friends and aides to the former President and their assertions painted a highly disturbing portrait of the man that had been a very popular and effective two-term Democratic President from 1993 until 2001. Mr. Clinton was enraged by the article and called the author, Todd Purdam, among other things, a "scumbag".
Apparently, the pressure of Hillary's loss and his own personal issues drove him to criminal activities if not outright insanity at approximately 11:17 this morning. According to NYPD Captain Daniel Flynn, the rampage began as Mr. Clinton was exiting a building on Fifth Avenue where he had been attending a meeting with Mrs. Clinton. One close advisor to Mrs. Clinton who was at this meeting, speaking anonymously said, “Frankly, I could not believe him. He sat there, perhaps he was drunk. I don’t know. But, he was very rude, saying very sexually suggestive things to some of the women present. I think I saw him kiss Lannie Davis. Hillary threw a pitcher of water at him and he just got up and left. As he was leaving the room he farted at Hillary several times than began to bark like a dog. I was relieved when he slammed the door. I was scared.”
According to NYPD officers already on the scene providing security, Captain Flynn reported that, "Eye witnesses have signed statements saying they watched as Mr. Clinton exited the building and began walking to a limo waiting at the curb. Suddenly, he ran past his security detail, ranting incoherently and grabbed an attractive woman who was crossing the street. He was seen fondling her buttocks and breasts before she broke free and gave him a kick in the testicles. This did not appear to slow Mr. Clinton down in any way. He threw that woman to the ground and quickly grabbed another and engaged her in a bear hug while forcibly kissing her on the mouth. He was also grasping her buttocks at this time. He appeared to be in a frenzy of some kind. Nearby officers responded, chased after Mr. Clinton but were unable to stop him before he pulled an elderly man from his car while stopped at a red light. He beat this man briefly about the face and head and then took off in the car. NYPD radio patrol cars engaged in a pursuit but decided to back off when they realized how erratically Mr. Clinton was driving. At one point he plowed through a group of handicapped cyclists on the Central Park Transverse. At least 2 have died as far as we know. The rest are being treated at Lenox Hill Hospital".
A news helicopter from the local FOX News station followed the car Mr. Clinton had stolen as his wild, ride continued. The pilot reported that "After he blasted through all those guys on bikes, I reduced altitude so our cameraman could get a better picture as Clinton drove through Central Park. The cameraman said he could plainly see that Mr. Clinton was masturbating. Captain Flynn could neither confirm nor deny that statement. Captain Flynn continued, "Our officers, including ESU Squad 3, continued to follow Mr. Clinton from a distance. They could see he had the driver side window open and was shouting at pedestrians while making obscene gestures. Virtually all the pedestrians returned the gesture. Some threw things at the car he was driving. At one point Clinton drove the stolen car up onto the sidewalk in an apparent effort to run one of them over. Instead, he crashed the car into a Korean grocery store on 126th and Second Avenue. He abandoned the crashed vehicle, now on fire, and fled on foot. We lost him somewhere in the crowd. We hope to have him in custody shortly."
Jose Guzman and Tito Flurpo were eating lunch outside a bodega on West 122nd Street when they saw a white haired man grab a young woman from behind. Flurpo said, “ I sees this dude and man, he look just like the old President, you know, the one that got the blowjobs from that fat bitch. Anyways, he like grabs this chica and like ...it looks like he tryin’ to like maybe having sex with her. She don’t look like she wanting to have sex but he stay on her. Me and Jose we’re like, man, you see this shit. We gotta do sumthin’. So we start running that way and like we’re like yellin’ ‘yo, dude, Clinton, back the fuck off man. He just ran away after that. It was like, you know, crazy man. I’m glad his wife lost.”
Sporadic reports have been received by NYC 911 operators by citizens claiming to have seen Mr. Clinton in upper Manhattan. There have been several sexual assaults reported. In each case the assailant has been positively identified as Bill Clinton.
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