LEGLESS SPRINTER GIVES HOPE TO MANY OTHERS

Blind Man Sues NASCAR, Man With One Arm & One Leg Challenges NBA


(May 20, NY, NY) Initially denied the right to compete in the Olympic trials, the South African legless sprinter known as “The Blade Runner” won a landmark victory last week when the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) overturned the International Association of Athletic Federations (IAAF) January 2008 ruling. Oscar Pistorius, a double below the knee amputee, still needs to improve his time in his track event to qualify for the Olympics. His nickname comes by way of the carbon-alloy “blades” that substitute for his lower legs. Despite issues of competitive advantages, disadvantages and a host of thorny issues, the CAS may have opened a door that will not soon, nor easily, be closed.

Putting aside the particulars of The Blade Runner’s case for a moment, the potential that athletes clearly unable to participate in certain competitive arenas will nonetheless seek permission to do so through various Committees, Boards and Courts. There exists some legal precedent in United States Courts, most of which dealt with high school or college athletes seeking to compete in unconventional or historically gender specific sports. Several high school girls have played on the boys football team at their high schools while several boys in high school have been granted the right to twirl batons and play field hockey; both traditionally female activities.

The Pistorius case is vastly different than those where gender was the central argument. If this ruling stands, many athletic insiders, supporters and professional sports organizations have expressed grave concerns. “All this political correctness and inclusion crap has the potential to ruin competitive sports at every level. Most sports require a minimum of basic physical skills that, candidly, not everyone who wishes to compete possesses”, said Sanford “Sonny” Newman, the Director of Player Development for the National Football League. Newman continued, “When I was with the Philadelphia Eagles in the 90’s, we had a one legged man try out to be our punter and placekicker. Personally, we did not think it was a good idea or that he could even make the squad. He sued us for discrimination. Can you believe it? A guy with one leg wanted to be a punter in the NFL. Well, the District Court said we had to give him a try out, so we did. I believe he is still in a coma and may have lost his remaining leg”.

Over the years many professional sports have had to contend with “disabled” athletes compelled to compete at the highest level. “There already exist a number of venues dedicated to providing athletes with various disabilities, handicaps, or disadvantages the opportunity to compete on a high level. From the Special Olympics to the plethora of sanctioned sports like wheelchair basketball, there is a niche for every athlete to compete”, commented former Dallas Cowboy receiver, Michael Ervin, Chairman of the National Crack Addict Horse Shoe Competition.

Virtually all professional sports executives and upper management claim that only the cream of the crop, the best of the best, possess the degree of talent, skill and physical prowess to compete as a professional. Several of them, speaking anonymously noted that “it is not hard to get severely injured in pro sports. Do you really want a guy with no arms as a catcher for a Major League team? Do we really want to see a man without hips or a bladder in an Iron Man Triathlon”?


Ferlin “Fuzzy” Bliftcroft, the Associate President of NASCAR For Driver Safety said, “Ya know, right now we gots this fella suein’ us. Ya see, ah…he can’t see, he’s blind…blind as a bat. Blind as that piano player, Stevie Somethingorother. But, he wants to drive a race car. Well, hail, I say God Bless and all that sorta thing but what in the hail is this world comin’ to? I say just turn him loose in the Bumper Cars at some county fair and call it a day.”

Obviously, this will be a debate that will not go away any time soon. Courts and Sporting Commissions are preparing for an onslaught of law suits and legal actions. Kleavon “Special K” Thorndike, a basketball player missing an arm and leg on his left side is currently in the process of bringing the NBA to court. “Heck yes, I can play. They know how good I am, that’s why they keeping me out of the league. Ok, so I fall down a lot but still, I got an outside shot that is dangerous.”

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GOODBYE, GOOD RIDDANCE, REVEREND HUCKABEE

(May 17, NY,NY) In a presidential campaign season that has seen an overabundance of toxic, inflammatory, venomous rhetoric, at least there will be one less self righteous, dimwitted egotist participating in any way from this point forward. The stupid, biased, bigoted slurs, the subtle and not so subtle “code words’ so recklessly tossed about have been illustrative of just how coarse our politics and politicians have become. Race, gender, age and so may other issues have been used as weapons this election season. At times, it has seemed as if it simply could not get any worse. Oops, that sure was a premature, if not foolish, thought.

Yesterday, in Louisville, Kentucky speaking to (of all groups) the National Rifle Association (NRA) convention, ordained Baptist Minister and former Republican Presidential wannabe, Arkansas’ s own, Mike Huckabee, made a spontaneous remark while delivering the standard tripe of yet another of his idiotic, folksy pandering speeches.

As the former governor was speaking, off stage there was heard a loud noise, a bang, as if something had been dropped or fallen. Huckabee, the consummate professional he is, was distracted and turned towards the direction of the noise. He turned to the gathered NRA loyalists and uttered an off-the-cuff remark that may tell more about this man than any prepared remarks ever could.

After a brief pause, this proud Southern Baptist, a man of the cloth commented , “That was Barack Obama, he just tripped off a chair, he's getting ready to speak. Somebody aimed a gun at him and he dove for the floor.” Finally, Reverend Huckabee, you can remove yourself from the spotlight you so dearly covet, exit stage left and return to whatever swamp you managed to crawl out of.

It is hard to conceive of a more noxious statement given the current circumstances, the historic nature of the primaries, the paralyzing divisiveness that has allowed the Republicans and George W. Bush to commit their atrocities with impunity, than even hinting at a firearm being pointed at a Presidential candidate; a Democratic contender for President: the first African American Democrat who has a legitimate chance at winning the general election. Yes, Mr. Huckabee, you have certainly stepped in it and now you can step out of it...way, way out of it. Your services are no longer needed. You have far exceeded you 15 minutes of fame and in so doing revealed your true self. Reverend?...please.

You hung around too long Reverend Mike. You thought you could parlay several primary victories provided to you by narrow minded, single issue, right wing conservative zealots who saw you as their savior,
into what?...a vice presidential race, a cabinet post, a nice cushy federal job you could be appointed to? Whatever your ambitions were or had once been, they have no more value than one of the fading ‘Huckabee 2008’ bumper stickers on rusting pick up trucks in Alabama.

Assassination is not an unfamiliar, dark element in the history of our politics. Actually, our society today is more prone to violent acts than at virtually any time in our past. We see school shootings and loners killing shoppers at malls. We have every type of wacko, oddball, and lunatic out there mingled in among the seriously psychotic, deranged, paranoid and deluded. Perhaps, you did not consider what potential inspiration your “ funny” remarks might induce in a fellow citizen not all that tightly wound. No, Mr. Preacherman, you just had to go for a laugh, had to be one of the boys and let your real feelings show.

Hopefully, by now, since you have been reduced to a footnote in the 2008 presidential primary season, the Secret Service has stopped providing protection for you. They have enough to be concerned about than a sorry excuse for a Baptist, a Christian, a Republican and an ordained minister like you.


Copyright 2008 TBC © All Rights Reserved
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TED KENNEDY HOSPITALIZED

CONDITION SERIOUS: FEW DETAILS KNOWN

(May 17, Boston, MA) Ted Kennedy, 76 , one of the longest serving Democratic Senators was brought to an emergency room in Hyannis earlier today. Within an hour he was transported to Massachusetts General Hospital where his clinical condition is being closely guarded. The last surviving male member of the once powerful Kennedy family that produced a US president as well as an Attorney General, Ted, the youngest brother, is a Democratic icon. He was first elected to the Senate in 1964 and has remained there. A powerful voice on many classic Democratic issues, he has served on various committees and run for president himself.

Mr. Kennedy had carotid artery surgery last year to remove a blockage in that vessel. Aside from chronic alcoholism, obesity, bulimia, post nasal drip, genital warts, irritable bowel syndrome, hemorrhoids, several weeping sores, a hairy nevus, gout tremendously enlarged ears, elephantitis, transient rectal incontinence and uncontrollable flatulence, the senior Senator from Massachusetts has been generally healthy. One of Kennedy’s closest friends in the Senate, Republican Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania, said via phone interview, “Ted has been doing remarkably well these past few years. He was watching his diet and I rarely saw him drinking whiskey before 7 or 8 in the morning. He had some minor problems and Lord knows you did not want to sit near him while eating a meal but, apparently, Beano is a remarkable little pill. I also think he returned to his Catholic faith after his eighth or ninth marriage. Suddenly it was all comforting. Beano also helped him attend Mass again.”

While at this time little is known about the exact incident or health problem that brought Kennedy to seek treatment today, friends, associates, and a host of bouncers, bartenders and others, have provided some detail about the Senator’s activities over the past 24 hours.

According to Ted’s personal valet and traveling assistant, Mikey “Spud” MacGooglededoo, the Senator arrived in Massachusetts yesterday afternoon. He was scheduled to give the commencement address at the New England School of Bartending in Addleboro. The Senator received a warm welcome from the graduates, their families and friends; particularly those who have forgotten what sobriety even feels like. Kennedy was presented with an honorary doctorate in Mixology and joined some of the graduates on a bar hopping excursion through some of the seedier neighborhoods of Boston, Revere and Mendham.

The group accompanying, and often carrying Kennedy, chartered a Hooters bus for the ride out to Hyannis, location of the Kennedy Compound and the Senator’s private residence when not in Washington DC.

According to one witness, most of the other passengers on the bus had passed out but the Senator, wearing only striped boxer shorts, black socks and a Barak Obama t-shirt, kept drinking. He demanded the bus driver stop as they entered Hyannis. Kennedy stumbled off the bus and entered Crabby Joe’s Crab, Chowder and Oyster Bar at apparently 1:30 AM. Owen Patrick Clancy was the bartender on duty at the time of the Senator’s arrival. “Ay, yeah, I recognized him right off, course I did. I been serving him and his family since before Teddy drove that Chrysler offa that bridge. It wasn’t unusual to see him in here without pants on...he liked to get comfortable while gettin’ smashed. After all, ya know, he is a Senator”, Clancy told reporters.

Mr. Clancy continued, “I can’t say exactly what happened...I was looking for some pickled eggs but I did hear, a series of burps, belches and one hell of a loud faht, then, a huge crash. Now, I can’t say if Teddy fell off that bar stool or if it just broke...ya know, collapsed under all that weight”.

The Senator’s office has received dozens of phone, text and e-mail messages wishing Kennedy a speedy recovery. Kennedy’s spokeswoman, Bridgette Nolan-Camacho, speaking to the press outside of Mass General said, “ We have received a tremendous number of contacts from people. Bartenders from here to Arlington Virginia have called as have many of Ted’s Senate colleagues. I personally took phone calls from Nick Nolte, Brittany Spears, The Pope, Nelson Mandela, Howie Mandel and Ernest Borgnine. Barak and Michelle Obama called as did Bill Belichek, Tom Brady and Dick Cheney.”

However, according to an anonymous source close to the Kennedy family, not all communications received were well wishers. This source claims that he was listening to a voice message left by Bill Clinton that was “very nasty, very hurtful, very...well, very Hillary-ish. The former President called the Senator a ‘bloated, has-been, traitor, fat son of a bitch’. In the background I could hear Mrs. Clinton breaking things and screaming, ‘Fuck him. Get off the fuckin phone. Just send some flowers and a keg of Lite beer.”

A hospital spokesman said details regarding Kennedy’s condition will be released as soon as they become available.

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MORONS, DOLTS & HILLBILLIES KEEP HILLARY’S HOPES ALIVE

Candidate Claims To Be Surging Among Illiterate Whites

(May 9, Incester, WV) Despite having virtually no chance to capture the Democratic Presidential Nomination, Hillary Clinton asserted that her campaign would not only continue, that she would ultimately prevail. Speaking to USA Today, the demented candidate claimed, "Sen. Obama's support among working, hardworking Americans, white Americans, is weakening again.” As proof of this statement she cited some polling data from the Associated Press. She continued, “I know the real issues that hard working, blue collar, beer drinking, barely literate, squirrel hunting, wife beating, hardly employable white men really care about. It’s not just the cost of gas and cigarettes; it’s about being left out, left back, left behind and in left field”.

Her comments drew rapid responses from all quarters and some of the harshest criticism came from members of her own party. Her comments were viewed by many as “racist, bigoted and stupid”. Several high profile members of Congress ruthlessly denounced her for “playing the race card”. Clinton vigorously denied the criticisms stating she was merely speaking factually.

On the same day that the frontrunner, Barak Obama, who trounced her in North Carolina on Tuesday night, was being well received by members of Congress, the beleaguered Mrs. Clinton continued her astonishing descent into madness. Former Democratic Presidential Candidate, George McGovern, an old friend of the Clinton’s, publically threw his support behind Senator Obama and added his voice to the rapidly expanding chorus of voices calling for Hillary to drop out of the race, drop acid, or stop drop and roll. One highly placed member of the DNC said anonymously, “None of us can figure her out. I mean, what the hell is she doing? Not only is she hurting Obama, she’s tearing up the Party, completely ruining any reputation she had left and driving us all crazy. We wish she would just simply go away”.

The Clinton campaign’s communications director, Howard Wolfsen said, “With primaries looming in West Virginia and Kentucky on this Tuesday, our internal data shows Hillary gaining support of the inbred, half-witted, toothless, dull-normal types who wouldn’t vote for a black man if they has a stick of dynamite shoved up their ass. The hills and hollers, the backwoods and backwards, that is definitely Clinton country”.

Mrs. Clinton appears to be using some of the tactics that allowed her to score a victory in Pennsylvania some weeks ago. There, she claimed her grandfather was from Scranton and she had spent her summer’s there as a child learning how to shoot bear, drink beer, and cling to God. Yesterday, appearing here in this small, impoverished coal mining town that sits atop a huge toxic waste dump, Hillary told the coughing, hacking, largely intoxicated crowd that, “You know, my mother’s father’s brother had a cousin from West Virginia. I remember fondly spending time up in these hills as a young girl, trapping raccoons, eating turtles and smoking Camel cigarettes. Those were happy, innocent days for me. I recall hearing pitiful, high pitched screaming in the night and was told it meant some families are just ‘closer’ than others. That is when I knew I would spend my life defending the right to bear arms, the right to smack someone in the head with a Bible and that without coal mining most of these beautiful forests would have been lost to wild fires”.

As she mixed and mingled with the crowd, she was seen smoking a hand rolled cigar with an elderly man connected to an oxygen tank. Later, she was spotted urinating behind a pick up truck.

Patty Solis Doyle, a senior advisor to the Hillary camp told reporters, “She will fight to the bitter end. She believes she can still win this and no one I know of has near enough courage, fortitude and balls to tell her otherwise. I just hope she doesn’t spend too much time at the coal-powered bourbon distillery when we get to Kentucky”.

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HILLARY’S MENTAL STATUS BECOMING LARGER WORRY

DOCTORS, INSIDERS & OBSERVERS FEAR THE WORST
Hillary Appears Afflicted By Same Mental Disorders As George W. Bush

(May 8, Washington, DC) Special Medical Report


Portions of what is present day Washington, DC sit atop what once were malarial swamps. Until almost 1900, our nation’s capitol city was largely a ghost town during the summer months; the politicians fled fearful of contracting the disease. Ultimately, the swamps were drained; the city reclaimed the land, expanded and effectively eradicated malaria.

Apparently, other dreadful diseases have taken the place of malaria over the years. It is a true and widely held belief that the negative pathology that afflicts those who come here is power. “Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Our history over the past 118 years has provided numerous examples of the validity of that concept. It has become so accepted as a truth that it has evolved into a cliché. The corrupting influence of power has been well known and documented for centuries. However, over the last decades here the etiology of corruption has mutated, it now comes in so many variants and strains that it is difficult to begin to control much less eradicate.

Perhaps between early 2001 until now, the 2008 Presidential Primary season, this town has seen the most severe outbreak of profound illnesses, disorders and diseases proliferate, particularly among those elected officials in the Executive and Legislative branches of government. It could be argued that anyone employed by the federal government on any level may also be (if not already is) infected or at least have a compromised immunity for resisting these maladies.

Just as there are those theorists, sociologists, physicians and others positing the concept that violence is a ‘disease’ and should be approached as such, it follows that what ails of elected officials is also a disease or combination of disorders that should also be treated accordingly. Actually, examining the collective behavior of our government objectively, this disease theory becomes increasingly plausible. We have witnessed behaviors so bizarre, thinking so disastrously skewed, narcissism, arrogance, and a wide range of delusional disorders, that no other logical explanation suffices.

One might consider the summer of 2001 to be the source point for this current epidemic. Obviously there was some vector responsible for the absolute and total failure on all levels of our federal government, particularly those employed by “intelligence” agencies, to be prepared for a terrorist attack. The events of September 11, 2001 served as a catalyst to rapidly disperse the infective agents throughout the corridors of power. The White House was obviously a receptive breeding ground for the outbreak to thrive. Virtually within weeks of the attacks, this Administration was exhibiting clear symptomology of a host of cognitive, personality and delusional disorders. Sadly, the intervening years have seen the virulence of these unknown infective agents reek havoc on everyone who has served in the White House, Congress, CIA, DOD, FBI and numerous other agencies. By the time George W. Bush had decided to start a war in Iraq, his congenitally limited mental capabilities were significantly, if not morbidly diminished.

Up to this point, the most seriously affected have been Mr. Bush and his boss Dick Cheney. Their cases represent the worst manifestations of the infections and have proven to be lethal and, for some fatal. They are clear examples of the host surviving the illness while others die as a result of their illness.

However, a case, potentially as severe, has recently alarmed many inside and outside the Beltway. Some officials had thought that perhaps, when all the Bushies vacated Washington DC in January 2009, this outbreak would become more isolated and thereby manageable. Their hopes have dimmed considerably as they have noted the worsening condition of Hillary Clinton. “She is manifesting all the identical symptoms regarding being disassociated from reality, delusional, paranoid and appears to be getting worse daily”, commented a physician who has studied these disorders at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. He spoke under conditions of anonymity fearing if his identity became known to the Clinton campaign, his life will be in danger.

“The pattern of stubborn refusal to recognize objective truth, the egotistical certainty of her mission is as profound as George W. Bush’s. I had long thought that Bush and his associates were the most advanced cases I have ever or would ever see. I fear Mrs. Clinton is deteriorating so rapidly that she may ultimately become as infected as Bush”, continued this physician.

Last month, Hillary’s husband, former President Bill Clinton, speaking at a campaign event, revealed previously unknown facts regarding Mrs. Clinton’s health and mental state. Mr. Clinton said, “Hillary is 60 years old. She forgets things. By 11 o’clock at night, she is barely coherent. She has suffered in silence for many years. I feel her pain...I really do”. The gathered crowd was now silent as the former President continued, “My wife, God bless her soul, has advanced untreatable fibromyalgia. She has chronic Prickly Heat, Irritable Bowel Syndrome and has battled Rickets since her days at Yale. She walks in her sleep, has episodes of urinary and bowel incontinence aside from enduring the agony of energy consuming, rib shattering acute flare-ups of Flatulence Basso Profundo. As hard as she works and has worked her entire life in support of women and children she cannot even have the comfort of a good night’s sleep. That’s why I sleep on the couch. Hillary is in the advanced stages of Restless Leg Syndrome, ADHD, St., Vitas Dance and is highly susceptible to sudden bouts of violent rage, gnashing her teeth, sometimes foaming at the mouth and bulimia. As her husband, it is all very difficult to watch her suffering.”

Since making those startling revelations publically, some have wondered if Mr. Clinton was sugar-coating his wife’s actual physical and mental condition. Dr. Sanjay Buddi Croupa of CNM commented, “Clearly, this is a deeply disturbed woman. Her divorce from reality is so pronounced, it would probably be in her best interest and that of those close to her, that she be immediately confined to a psychiatric hospital. Perhaps one in any of the former Soviet Republics would be her best chance for some degree of recovery.”


Article written with contributions from Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, Pine Valley Asulym for the Pitifully Deranged, CDC, NIH, PETA, Dr. Phil, and AFLAC.

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