DRAMA AT CLINTON NH HQ ENDS PEACEFULLY

HILLARY: HOSTAGE TAKER WENT TO HER HQ “SEEKING RELIEF”
Facts Emerging About Perpetrator

Rochester NH (Nov. 30, 2007 TBC) After a six hour standoff with law enforcement, a man who entered Hillary Clinton’s New Hampshire campaign headquarters here, surrendered peacefully. The seize, began at approximately 1 o’clock PM EST when a white man walked into the storefront office claiming to have a bomb strapped to his chest. All campaign staff present in the office at that time were immediately taken hostage. The perpetrator, now identified as a local trailer park denizen with a history of mental illness, alcoholism, domestic violence and irritable bowel syndrome, 47 year old Leeland Eisenberg, began releasing hostages shortly after having taken them. First released were a young mother and infant child. By the time Mr. Eisenberg was handcuffed by police, the last hostage, a young female campaign volunteer, was seen exiting the office were she had been held hostage. Senator Clinton was in Virginia for the entire day and never in any danger.

Tonight, Mrs. Clinton, the democratic presidential primary front runner, came here and answered a few questions after making a brief statement. She thanked all the law enforcement personnel for their “efforts and professionalism” and expressed relief and gratitude that all had ended without injury. Hillary, answering a reporter’s question commented that she believed Eisenberg had chosen to take hostages at her campaign office because “he was seeking relief from his pain” and that the entire episode appears now to have been a “cry for help”. While for much of the six hour standoff little was known factually about what was transpiring, in the hours since being taken into custody much has been learned about Leeland “Lee” Eisenberg.

According to local authorities, public records, nosey neighbors and blabbermouths, Eisenberg is no stranger to the Rochester Police Department. Captain Paul Callahan of the RPD told reporters that Mr. Eisenberg had a history of “alcohol and drug use, domestic violence and a short temper”. Eisenberg was due to appear in a local court today for a hearing related to divorce proceedings filed last November by his wife.

Mr. Eisenberg lives in a trailer court in Rochester with a stepson who told authorities that before leaving the trailer today, his step father told him to “watch for me on TV”. A neighbor who wished to remain anonymous told reporters that Eisenberg was seen going to the filling station “everyday for a 12 pack or something. Everyday”. Shemp Muldoon, an acquaintance of Eisenberg’s commented that he “ drank with Lee all the time. Lee liked to drink, I like to drink, so we drank. Together. We drank alot”. Besides his apparent problem with alcohol, investigators are beginning to learn a great deal more about Eisenberg than previously known.

According to a source close to the investigation, a great deal of evidence was being collected from the Eisenberg trailer. “So far they have found many books, magazines and newspaper clippings related to politicians, celebrities and restless leg syndrome. In his bedroom the walls were covered with posters of Ted Kennedy, Rosie O’Donnell, Sonny and Cher and Evel Knievel. Apparently, he had a real admiration for Ted Kennedy and was obsessed by Evel Knievel” Vern Brock, a long time friend of Eisenberg’s told police and reporters that “Lee admired Teddy Kennedy as a politician, a man and a drunk. He was simply amazed that a big, fat, bloated, sloppy drunk like Teddy still held a job. Heck, he’s a goddamned senator. Lee had always been a big fan of Evel Knievel. Actually, I think most of his mental stuff and boozing began after Evel crashed into the Snake River Canyon in 1974. Lee hasn’t really been right in the head since then”.

Eisenberg’s stepson reportedly informed police that Eisenberg had been “ holding some sort of vigil for Evel Knievel. Ever since he found out how sick Evel was, my step dad has been drinking alot, drinking alot everyday. Sometimes he would have fits, throw things at the wall shouting how unfair life was, how Evel had broken so many bones over the years...that sort of stuff. Sometimes he’d start to cry and he would drink even more. One night he couldn’t stop belching. I could tell he was really in pain. I got nervous and asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital. He got real mad at me and, in between these really huge belches he told me that his pain was nothing like the pain Evel had experienced. He said he didn’t care if he belched himself to death. After that, I just went to bed”.

Dr. Trevor Dunkwirth, a local psychologist who had treated and drank with Eisenberg in the past said “ Lee was mentally ill. He was on medication but he couldn’t afford it anymore. I imagine, in his mind, he made the connection between healthcare and Hillary Clinton. He was aware that her campaign has an office here. Perhaps, after learning of the sad passing of Mr. Knievel, Lee had some sort of breakdown. I mean, can you blame him? I cried like a school girl all morning after hearing about the death of Evel Knievel and I’m not even mentally ill”. While that last statement is arguable, Dr. Dunkwirth has been very helpful to state, county and local law enforcement officers and has also spoken with the Secret Service.

As the night progresses here, more details are emerging painting a disturbing picture of Lee Eisenberg. Other sources involved with the investigation speaking off the record have mentioned that “ This Eisenberg was a local whack job, a real lunatic. We found several notebooks his dimwitted stepson identified as belonging to Eisenberg. Some of his writing is very disturbing. Evidently, Eisenberg is a registered democrat. He has always been interested in politics and politicians. He also was fascinated by fat Irish drunkards. That explains the Ted Kennedy connection and the Rosie O’Donnell poster. He was a member of her fan club and at one time he had attempted to gain several hundred pounds so he could look more like her. We also found boxes of material related to that old time daredevil Evel Knievel. Eisenberg had some oddball fascination with him”.

Neighbors confirmed that Eisenberg would often perform stunts when heavily intoxicated. Herman Gnarlless, who lives in a trailer adjacent to Eisenberg’s noted that “ One night I was sittin here just watchin reruns of MASH and I hears all this racket. I put my socks on and went outside and I almost passed out. Ole Lee was drunker than a monkey and all done up in a football helmet and wearin a cape and some other shit. He was ridin around on a bicycle whoopin and hollerin. Next thing I know, Lee takes his bike up on the roof of my trailer and he peddled it right off. He landed on my trash can. Bent the shit outta it. He still owes me money for that. I hope they put him away in some nut house for a long while. He ain’t right”.

Authorities are certain they will learn a great deal more about Mr. Eisenberg in the coming days. He remains behind bars in the Rochester city jail awaiting arraignment. No bond has been set.

Mrs. Clinton canceled her speech to the Democratic National Committee tonight. She will resume campaigning tomorrow in Iowa.


Submitted by TBC New Hampshire Correspondent, Farley Marsden

Copyright © 2007 TBC All Rights Reserved

POLITICAL DISCOURSE - REALITY TV

AC = Wolf Blitzer 3.0

Tonight's Republican Presidential Candidates Debate hosted by CNN in St. Petersburg Florida was uneventful despite the preceding hype. Billed as a ‘YouTube / CNN” debate, the format featured questions submitted by citizens via the Internet based social network YouTube.com. Like most public and political discourse today, many of the questions and, certainly the format itself, appeared to be more entertainment rather than actual substantive answers to issue oriented questions. Certainly, the front runners were given ample opportunity to throw jabs while the others seemed pleased just to be on the stage. There were a few serious moments; particular answers that did give voice to the actual positions of the responding candidates. They were few indeed.

What was in fact most striking to the casual viewer, perhaps the viewer not accustomed to watching CNN as a source of news, was Andersen Cooper. Holy shit! Where did this mega-media giant find this brainless mannequin? There was a time not too long ago when only highly respected, esteemed journalists were presented with the honor of hosting a candidates debate. Of course those were the days when television news consisted primarily of the big three major broadcast networks and one or two cable based outlets. In those days, TV news anchors were iconic, trusted voices that spoke to Americans seriously about important matters. Yes. The world, our society, culture, media and collective intelligence is dramatically, if not traumatically different now. This is much to our disadvantage.

The point is that the men who anchored news programs were all veteran journalists, many very gifted, talented reporters and writers deeply engaged in the process of producing their broadcast. Now we have Andersen Cooper.

It is so painfully obvious that Mr. Cooper was not selected for his current position based on a resume’, education, inherent intelligence or any other objective ability required of a journalist. He scarily appears to have been created, fabricated out of new-aged composites based on the input from some American Idol addicted focus groups. This manicured, made-up, facsimile of a TV news anchor makes Chevy Chase of the old SNL Weekend Updates look like Edward R. Morrow. It must take a staff of dozens to cue, lead and point this garbonzo in the right direction. Lord knows every word he utters must be fed to him via that wireless earpiece that blends so inconspicuously with his mortuary pallor and aluminum colored hair. Clearly, this android is totally incapable of an original thought of any kind and apparently came equipped with the bare minimum of accessories. He can read a TelEPrompter, repeat what is whispered into his ear, look at the camera he is told to and not much else. Actually, in a sense, he is a marvel of our modern sophisticated techno-society, a true, genuine, representative product of our culture: a digitalized, pixelated, downloaded, overloaded, rebooted, multitasking, Hi-Def, Blue-Toothed, Wi-Fi amalgamation. He is “us”, he is what we have become, what we tolerate, what we accept and expect. He is non-substantive, more celebrity than journalist, more highly programmed, scripted, prompted and visual than intelligent. He could easily (and very well may have been) mass produced overseas with customer support available 24 / 7 via 1-800 something in Malaysia or Bangalore. He is Wolf Blitzer 3.0.

Postscript: In loving memory of (in no particular order) Walter Cronkite, Tom Brokaw, David Brinkley, Chet Huntley, Bernard Shaw, John Chancellor, Roger Mudd, Marvin Kalb, Edmund Neumann, and so many others. You are missed.

Copyright © 2007 TBC All Rights Reserved

LOTT FOR SALE

GETTING GONE WHILE THE GOING IS GOOD
Even a Cheap Hairpiece can’t Conceal an Empty Head

After 35 years in Congress, Mississippi Republican Senator Trent Lott announced his intention to resign by early January 2008. His announcement came as a shock to many of his senate colleagues and others because Mr. Lott had just won reelection in 2006. Lott’s political career appeared to be in real jeopardy in 2002 after he said publicly that “We would not have had all these problems all these years” if segregationist, Strom Thurmond had won the presidency in 1950. Lott lost his leadership position after that flap but managed to re-ingratiate himself with his GOP cohorts to once again attain a leadership post in the senate.

The real surprise should not be in his retirement announcement but rather in the fact that this barely literate imbecile managed to be achieve elected office in the first place. Mr. Lott, with his partisanship, racism and lacquered, freeze dried dime store hairpiece, spent his 35 years in office as a flack among flacks. Indeed, all politics is local and Mr. Lott delivered untold billions in pork to Mississippi. Beyond that sorry fact, Lott never distinguished himself as a legislator. He was and is a true politician, a schmoozer, a liar, thief and bagman. he will be infinitely successful as a K Street whore lobbyist.

Trent has always been a little too slick. In his latest display of that sleazy slickness, his desire to resign now allows him to seamlessly move into the parallel existence of all retiring congressmen; he can now become a lobbyist. The new legislation requiring two years to lapse between retirement and signing on as a high priced influence peddler has yet to go into effect. His timing is no coincidence despite whatever bullshit tripe he spewed out today in Pascagoula. So now, Trent is free to do in the private sector precisely what he has done in the public sector – screw the American people at every turn, line his pockets and enrich his coterie of good old boys down in Mississippi.

Trent Lott should be remembered not only as an embarrassment to the senate but also as one of those who helped usher in the particularly rabid brand of partisanship that has rendered our legislative branch useless. How many dirty deals has this flack been involved in back home and in Washington, DC? How many sweetheart deals has he crafted in the dark of the night? How much pork has he delivered unto Mississippi while that state remains struggling to educate their young, provide fore their needy and overall somehow move beyond its sordid past?

This avowed Christian Conservative’s conscience allowed him to line his own pockets, cheat and perpetuate a corrupt system in Mississippi even after the horrible destruction caused by Hurricane Katrina. no one can say with any degree of certainty just how much he and his cronies profited off the backs of the victims of that disaster. The only character trait Lott has ever displayed is that he has a lot of balls. He claims he can now retire because his post-Katrina work is done? it surely is. His home has been rebuilt to its pre hurricane grandeur while folks a mere 5 miles from his mansion remain in makeshift, often barely habitable shelter. Lott, represented by his brother-in-law Dickie Scruggs, is currently suing State farm Insurance over his Katrina damaged property.
Lotts and Lotts of balls, Trent.

Trent will now go on to make some real money. He will enter that elite group of former politicians who have access to their former colleagues and will shamelessly use that influence at every opportunity. Trent must also be somewhat of a gambler. He appears to have calculated that the odds of ever being reelected again and escaping from office before an indictment were just too close for comfort. Good riddance. One less scum bag in office is a start.

Hopefully, Trent will be a trendsetter or perhaps a harbinger of things to come. Maybe other lying, crooked buffoons like chinless Mitch McConnell will read the writing on the wall. They all need to go; all of them. The current republican caucus in the senate hasn’t even possessed the decency or will to banish their men's room sex-seeking, arrogant hypocrite, Larry “Wide Stance’ Craig. That speaks volumes about what they are made of as individuals and collectively; they are all filth.


Copyright © 2007 TBC All Rights Reserved

POST-HARVEST,PRE-CAUCUS IOWA: No Field of Dreams

Reality Will Trump Corn-Fed Illusions


(Sioux City, IA) Post harvest time is when many farmers inject manure into the soil. This fall practice serves a dual purpose; it disposes of accumulated manure from confinement operations in an eco-friendly manner while providing fertilizing nutrients to the soil which had been depleted by the recently harvested crop.

Perhaps it is time to inject a little realism into the political landscape out here. We can dispose of a good deal of the excess bullshit expeditiously while restoring some sense of balance to the skewed and wacky formulations touted by various candidates’ campaign staffs, blowhard pundits and other self proclaimed political experts. The hyperbolic exhorting regarding the upcoming Iowa Caucuses, more outrageous each presidential cycle, have reached an unheralded level of absurdity. If one lesson has consistently been taught by the Caucus-goers of Iowa it is that the Iowa Caucuses are but a grain of sand on the presidential primary beach. Much to the chagrin of these poor, deluded souls, Iowa and all its alleged national political influence, is nothing more than a fallacy, a charade, a silly game. At best, Iowa serves as a winnowing factory, perhaps plucking out the darkest of the dark horses. The relatively small number of Iowans who venture out on a cold January night quadrennially serve as the bluntest, dullest blade with which the field is narrowed.

Reality. Now that is a far sharper cutting edge. Facts can quickly send the bravest of the long shots scurrying back to their cozy house or senate seat or whatever boardroom, state house or whorehouse from whence they emerged. If this statement causes you to pause, to doubt its accuracy, you may want to research the post-Iowa Caucus political careers of such statesmen and luminaries as former Iowa Caucus winners like Edmund Muskie, Tom Harkin or Dick Gephardt. Better still are the dimwits who managed to spin an “above expectations” showing into some hybrid form of victory like Pat Robertson, or Gary Bauer. This list is actually longer but why waste the time; the point should be obvious.

The Iowa Caucuses are the Paris Hilton of presidential primaries; they are important simply because the media and political professionals say they are. It can seem that way especially since every four years any half-assed, tenured academic who happens to teach political science at one of the many universities or colleges in Iowa, who has a microphone shoved in front of them by some network reporter, is only too happy to tell America just how important Iowa is.

Then, of course, there are the locals who salivate in anticipation of the media hoards streaming into this land that time forgot every four years. (The months preceding the caucuses are a real boon to local economies across the state.) Take a flack like David Yepsen, the semi-obese, disheveled political editor of the Des Moines Register. Mr. Yepsen finds himself the center of attention in a year like this; wined, dined and courted by candidates, pollsters and others seeking knowledge from the great oracle of Hawkeye politics. Let’s be real. The Des Moines Register is a rag, it is an embarrassment as a statewide newspaper. Anyone working for the Register is not there by choice. If they had any talent at all as journalists they would be working for a paper in Bismarck or Omaha or, if they were truly gifted, Peoria. So the well-fed, self-important, befuddled Yepsen (who spends the other 3 years every cycle writing insightful pieces on the machinations of feedlot odor legislation as it slinks its way through the state house) is provided the platform to analyze the race, and all its infinite nuances, for everyone else. Yes, indeed, Iowa is important. Iowa says so.

Inevitably, candidates, usually second tier wannabes actually positioning for a cabinet appointment or a cushy ambassadorship, buy into all this crapola. They begin to quietly craft there “Iowa Strategy” and tell any goon with a press pass how a victory or “better than expected showing” in this bogus contest will catapult them through the real primaries and into the White House. (Somebody probably promises bloated old pathetic Yepsen the White House Press Secretary job every four years.)

Now, we are hearing from the desperate, the candidates who are watching their presidential aspirations evaporate like tendrils of night fog over a cornfield at sunrise. As a public service, some stiff doses of reality are in order.

Mike Huckabee. A former Arkansas governor? Mike, despite your homespun, Southern Baptist preacher cadence and portable sincerity, you must have lost quite a few brain cells when you dropped all that body weight. Obviously, you have forgotten your own record as governor. Wait until the national media begins to put a little more scrutiny on that shady history. All the local party hacks have got you believing you really have a shot? Your faith in your chance of success is admirable no matter how delusional it may be. Bottom line, Mike, America may have elected imbeciles and maniacs to the highest office but there will never be a leader of the free world named Huck-A-Bee...it sound too much like a game you’d find on the midway at the state fair. President Whack-A-Mole?? Get the drift?

What does Mitt, the name stand for? What does Mitt, the candidate stand for? Tough questions. Mitt, all these Iowa farmers and their wives certainly appreciated you paying for all of them to be bused into the Ames Straw Poll last August. It was mighty generous of you to pay them to get on your buses, to feed them, to feed them some more and then to put them back on your buses with doggie bags after they cast their votes for you. No doubt you can afford to buy every republican caucus vote in January but, that will most likely be the end of the line for you. It is not because you are a Mormon but because you are the emptiest of empty suits, a true to the core politician who will say anything to anybody about anything to get a vote. Perhaps you can write the Ames expenses off on your taxes. Enjoy the rest of your time here, Mitt. Super Tuesday will bury you.

Former Senator Edwards, you’ve spent more time in Iowa since you and Kerry blew the 2004 election than Tom Vilsack. Your roadside signs and direct mailing brochures are real pretty. You are very photogenic and you have “labor” behind you. “Labor”, as it is called, is a miniscule portion of the workforce. They, John, are the spoiled, coddled, over paid, greedy, benefit hogs that have contributed to the demise of American manufacturing and industry. They might trust some backwoods ambulance chasing Carolina trial attorney but, John, Iowa may be your one brief shinning moment. Oh, and, John...third place behind Shrillary and Obama will NOT be a victory of any kind.

Take heed Bill Richardson, Ron Paul, Fred Thompson and all the others who may be entertaining sweet dreams of caucus night celebrations, of raucous affairs in the swanky bars of Des Moines before venturing out of this state the day after destined for the ultimate prize. Iowa is not a field of dreams. That was a movie, a work of fiction. Wake up and smell the manure. That is the hallmark scent of this bland, barren place but a good west wind sweeps it towards Illinois quickly just as the Iowa winds and reality will sweep you all off the campaign trail.

(By the way, New Hampshire is just Iowa with pine trees.)

Cletus E. Yoder for TBC

Copyright © 2007 TBC All Rights Reserved

DEMOCRAT CANDIDATES FACE VOCAL PROTESTS

ANNUAL EVENT MARRED BY RIOT AND ARRESTS
Public Wants Prez Candidates to take Polygraph and MMA Challenge

Des Moines, IA (Nov.11, 2007) Every November the Democratic State Party of Iowa hosts the Jefferson-Jackson dinner. Normally, this is a fund raising event and an opportunity for rising stars in the Party to introduce themselves to the public in a state that takes retail politics seriously. During a presidential campaign season, even more emphasis is assigned to this unusually bland and staid affair. Last night was anything but normal or usual here.

Outside the Veterans Memorial Arena where upwards of 9000 Party activists gathered to hear six democratic presidential hopefuls speak, the scene was raucous and rowdy. As the unseasonably mild night progressed, tempers flared, and various groups of protesters erupted into an angry, violent mob. The des Moines Police were caught off guard by this atypical scene. It was reported later that most of the DMPD officers assigned to the event were actually inside the arena eating some of the left over brautwursts, shredded pork, corn dogs, corn fritters and creamed corn from the earlier banquet. “Had all the cops who should have stayed on their assigned posts outside the arena, things would probably have not gotten so out of hand so quickly”, commented Major Burle Bumphfiester from the Iowa State Patrol.

The protests and riot last night capped off what was a very difficult week for the candidates in Iowa. Dogged by questions related to the two “challenges” issued to the them, the democratic candidates were met with hostile crowds and persistent reporters at every event. This was supposed to be a big week for them here, with the First in the Nation Iowa Caucuses just eight weeks away. Instead, their standard stump speeches and usual blather were not well received by the usually polite, docile Iowans. Many groups from outside of Iowa sent scores of protesters into this state, some to express support for the candidate of their choice, others to be as disruptive as possible.

Last nights riot was triggered by a contingent of protesters representing the Mud Wrestling Midget Tossing Association had an angry clash with the Lesbians Transgender Action Committee. Once these two groups became physical it appeared that the 2000 or so other protesters became enraged and were no long content to just carry signs and yell their causes slogans.

While the protesters seemed to represent very diverse groups, they seemed to share their support for the Democratic Presidential Candidate Polygraph Challenge as well as the UFC offer to have the candidates fight each other in the Octagon. “You’re goddamned right I want to see them all hooked up to a polygraph and I want to see them kickin the ever lovin crap outta each other”, said Earle Belcher from the organization, Bikers United Against Genital Warts.

While the riot was relatively quickly subdued, inside the Arena, the Party faithful heard the six candidates present deliver their standard pitches. Senator Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared to step up their contest within a contest. Each made pointed references to the other yet neither moved non-committed voters their way. At one point Senator Obama called Hillary a controlling, castrating bitch who is so confused about her own sexual identity that she would be ineffective as president”. Mrs. Clinton, who revealed a violent somewhat psychotic side this week, countered during her speech that “My opponent from Illinois can’t answer a straight question, has no record in the Senate and would invite Fidel Castro, Kim Jong Ill and Hugo Chavez to the White House for Kwanzaa. Give me a fuckin’ break”.

“I like Hillary and Mr. Obama. I really don’t know who I will vote for. I sorta wish that little guy that looks like an alien was here”’ said Dolores Udder from Dung Flats, Iowa referring to Dennis Kucinich. Aides to the Ohio Congressman said that Kucinich had decided to skip the Jefferson-Jackson banquet to devote time to his physical training. According to these unnamed sources, Mr. Kucinich is planning to announce this week his decision to accept both the “Polygraph” and UFC Challenges. “Dennis feels very strongly that the public has the right to see the candidates be asked questions under polygraph. That is what makes this country great. Dennis also thinks it is very important that American’s are sure that the next president is tough, strong and can take a punch. He plans on fighting everyone of his democratic opponents in the Octagon and is also considering challenging Dick Cheney to a duel. Most folks outside Cleveland don’t realize that despite his sickly, leukemic looks and malnourished appearance, he was a gifted wrestler in grade school and one beat a stray dog with a stick. He’s no pushover.” It has been rumored that Kucinich has secreted himself in an isolated camp somewhere in California with a group of professional trainers, athletes, coaches, swamis and New Age herbalists. The San Francisco Chronicle reported on Friday that the Kucinich training team includes Barry Bonds, Lance Armstrong, Pete Rose, George Foreman and luminaries from the world of MMA including Tim “The Maniac” Silvia, Mad Dog Bersurka, Rabid Raymond Gouge and The Magnificent Mimi. All indications are the diminutive Kucinich is taking his training very seriously.

None of the democrats seeking their party’s nomination has yet decided to accept or refuse either challenge. Much of the violence outside the arena tonight was a direct reaction from an increasingly angry public. Polls conducted this past week by major media outlets consistently illustrate the publics overwhelming support for both challenges.

As the campaign edges ever closer to january 3, 2008, top advisers from each candidates camp agree that this upcoming week is very important. Chet Cremasteric, media adviser to the Edwards camp said “These “Challenges” are sucking the oxygen from the campaign. They threaten to derail some well laid plans. We must prepare to announce our decision this week or it could get very nasty. Frankly, I’d like to see Hillary hooked up to a lie detector. That would be historic and it would certainly be the end of her presidential aspirations”.

Copyright © 2007 TBC All Rights Reserved