Sunday, January 27, 2013


Pope Benedict XVI releasing dove that was attacked

(Sunday January 27, 2013.  Vatican City, Rome, Italy) The meek, fragile white dove is universally recognized as the symbolic icon of peace and goodwill.  Doves are often utilized in public secular and religious ceremonies dedicated to peaceful purposes and services of remembrance. The Roman Catholic Church employs live doves in various events.  Following in the tradition of some of his recent predecessors, Pope Benedict XVI, the earthly leader of the worldwide Holy See, has offered doves up to the heavens on many occasions.  Today was no exception except what is typically a benign gesture turned into a brief but epic battle between what some Catholic officials are interpreting to be the latest terrestrial confrontation between living representatives of diabolic evil and divine good.

As over 3,000 of the faithful crowded St. Peter’s Square to participate in the prayer service marking Holocaust Remembrance Day, they quickly turned from a joyful, hopeful chorus of faithful celebrants into a throng of terrified witnesses to an unprecedented, bizarre spectacle that left many sobbing, trembling and some fainted. It has been reported that one American tourist, Loam "Dirt" Gustafson a retired manure farmer from Churning Gullet Falls, iowa suffered a heart attack.

As The Pontiff concluded the prayer service he released two white doves.  The first dove hovered in the air just beyond the Pope’s outstretched arms before flying high above the balcony on which the Papal entourage stood.  Immediately after the second dove was released by the Pope it was viciously attacked by a seagull which seemed to appear from nowhere.  As the evil seagull pinned the cowering dove against a window pane adjacent to the balcony, the crowd below watched in horror as the gull repeatedly struck the dove with its sharp beak.  For those present time appeared to stand still as some of the dove’s bloodied feathers wafted to the ground.  The seagull was repelled after one of the Pope’s aides using a high-powered, neon green, plastic water gun blasted it with Holy Water.  As the gull became saturated with Holy Water it was seen screeching and writhing in pain.  The crowd was transfixed as the gull began to bray like a donkey before defecating and smoldering before bursting into flames.  Pope Benedict XVI was shaken but uninjured.

This Pope has had several previous mishaps with symbolic dove releases in the last two years.  On two separate occasions doves released from The Pope’s hand flew in terror back into The Papal residence over the Pope’s head.  What transpired here this morning is not being viewed as a similarly benign occurrence.  Monsignor Nunzio Sorentinno, The Pope’s closest aide made the sign of the cross continually as he commented, “These ah dove ah no wanna no troub…I theenk these seagull is maybe sent from Hell. I donna know, capisce”.  It has been verified by The Vatican Public Relations Officer Bishop Luiggi Mastropequa, speaking to a small select group of Catholic reporters that “a Papal Review Council consisting of some of our most eminent Jesuit theologians and biblical forensic scholars was convened shortly after this morning’s horror.  Some are speculating that the seagull was perhaps demonically possessed or, if not, at least disgruntled or very, very angry.  This Council will be looking into the possibility of demonic possession while investigating other more probable explanations for what we all witnessed this morning.”

The Council’s investigation has little tangible evidence to examine.  What remains of the seagull after it burst into flames is “just a small smattering of ashes and a charred feather or two” noted a priest close to the investigation but unable to speak for attribution.  Father Dr. Stanislaw Guy Kremjykz the director of The Vatican Dove and Sacrificial Lamb Medical Center speculated, “The seagull may have had some underlying neuropathology or maybe some avian psychological disorder.  I can’t say at this time.  I can say that the dove that was the victim of this hideous attack was healthy, of good mind and body when he was delivered to The Papal Residence just prior to this morning’s service.  I am deeply saddened to report that he did not survive the attack.  We did all we could for him but the wounds he sustained in the attack proved to be fatal.  I am confident that he is in heaven or at least in whatever annex of heaven proper is dedicated to doves and other flying beings.”
Possibly possessed gull attacking holy dove.

Not all Catholics, be they clergy or lay people, are willing to call this seagull attack the result of demonic possession.  Some like Cardinal Peter Paul Matthew Luke O’Shaunessey the Holy Chairman for Extra-Liturgical Activities and Bingo Enterprises who serves in the Archdiocese of Baltimore commented, “ Demonic possession is an incredibly rare phenomenon and I am not prepared to jump to any conclusions until I am satisfied all other possibilities have been exhausted.  In my tenure in this Archdiocese I have been called upon several times to investigate suspected cases of demonic possession.  In one recent case I found the individual to be clinically messianic, of a very low IQ, and highly susceptible to suggestion but in no way was George W. Bush possessed.  I think Dick Cheney might have been but I was not allowed near him and I am grateful to God for that.”

The reaction to this incredible, perhaps evil event has been varied around the world.  Assorted religious leaders, politicians, pundits, commentators, sinners, winners and loser have expressed their own interpretation of the gull attack.  Predictably age old adversaries have adopted this event to further their own ideology and agenda.  In the United States the hardcore right wing Evangelical Christian Conservatives have adopted the stance that the seagull was likely of African ancestry and sent by vile forces summoned by President Barack Obama.  In a radio broadcast this afternoon FOX News cable personality and overall half-wit Bill O’Reilly himself a self-proclaimed “staunch, practicing Catholic said, “This is what happens when we elect a socialist, allow abortions, take prayer out of our schools and guns out of the hands of our valiant, law abiding citizens.  We can probably expect more of these awful scenes in the future.” 

As patently absurd and asinine as O’Reilly’s statement was, there were still more shameful, idiotic comments from others across the globe.  For some unknown reason many of the most out spoken have oddly associated what transpired here earlier as being related to United States politics despite the fact that this was solely a Vatican ceremony and The Pope is a religious leader, not a political figure.   Wayne LaPierre, President of the US based National Rifle Association (NRA) asserted in a press release that, “This attack would never have happened on American soil.  Had any seagull or other predatory creature launched an attack on a holy dove, I assure you our members would have blasted it out of the skies long before any harm was inflicted on The Pope’s dove.  If the Italians were as heavily armed as we are, that damned evil bird would have been annihilated.”


News of the fierce attack on a Papal dove by a troubled seagull has spread around the world rapidly thanks to the never ending news cycle.  As a result just 7 hours from the actual event, there is already a good deal of controversy surrounding this attack.  Even before the Papal Review Council has begun conducting their internal investigation, some prominent religious leaders are casting doubt on the Vatican’s ability to be objective.  Some have expressed concerns that The Vatican may not release their complete findings and that when a final report is issued it will it will be heavily redacted depending what they uncover.

The Right Reverend Buster Lee Shuckster III who ministers to a large flock of strict southern Baptists at his Church of the Redeemer in suburban Waco Texas spoke to a local CNN affiliate today and expressed his concerns that, “Them Catlics is a pretty secretive lot with all their rites, rituals, rules and regulations.  Personally, I don’t trust that whole Vatican crowd, all them Eye-talian priests and whatnot living like they lived in the dark ages.  I am not ruling out the thought that the damned seagull was possessed.  I have seen members of my flock, dogs, snakes, livestock, and my mother-in-law speaking in tongues so I have an open mind.  Still, Baptists are one thing.  Catlics are another breed entirely.”

More than halfway around the world from the dusty plains of Central Texas, high in the Tibetan hills, the Dalai Lama, leads adherents to the Tibetan Buddhist doctrine.  The Dalai Lama spoke from his mountain top temple and observed that, “The dove and seagull are one.  They are one, if not with each other than as living creatures in this plane of existence.  Perhaps, the dove will be reincarnated as a gull and the gull will get to experience another life as a gentle dove.”

From an undisclosed remote location in the rugged terrain that is the Afghanistan – Pakistan border, a top level al Qaeda commander, Halli Walli Hulahoop recorded a message that was secretly delivered to a staffer for Al Jezeera.  The network decided to air a portion of Hulahoop’s remarks after verifying that the voice and pictures on the tape were infact Hulahoop, thought to be the fourth highest ranking member of al Qaeda.  “What the world has witnessed today, Praise Allah, was the righteous jihad of a Muslim seagull sent from on high to smite the infidel dove.  We had prayed that Allah would have sent a legion of devout gulls but, thanks be to Allah, that one gull was able to kill that dove.  I can assure all those in the West who seek to destroy us that there will be more seagulls sent as martyrs and we already have willing goats, sheep, wombats, a squad of mules, and 7 rabid dogs prepared to do battle with the infidels.  God willing, they will succeed.  Besides, I just want them all out of my cave.  It stinks in here.”


Top officials at the CIA, NSA and DOD scrambled to obtain satellite imagery of the attack at The Vatican.  Lt. Colonel F. Hugh Bahlz issued a statement to the press corps at the Pentagon which read in part, “The United States takes this surprise attack very seriously.  We have put several of our instillations on high alert status.  We need more time to study the satellite images of the attack before we can offer a reasoned opinion of this apparent ambush and we will take actions commensurate with our findings.”

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta has been in close contact with his Italian counterpart as well as the top officers at NATO.  He made brief remarks as he shuttled between secret meeting and the situation room here at the Pentagon.  Panetta said, “We take this seriously although we have no idea if it was serious.  We are seriously lacking serious information at this time but recognize its potential seriousness and we will assess just how seriously we should take this apparently serious event.  Speaking personally, as a serious Catholic myself, I am very troubled and seriously concerned that a seagull was able to penetrate Vatican airspace unopposed, unchallenged and, as I understand it, undetected until seconds before the air assault.  The United States government has expressed our condolences to The Vatican and the world-wide sacrificial dove community.  We have told them that we stand with them and any further provocation or attacks will be met with a rapid response.  We are ordering the immediate dispatch of a fleet of drones that will fly over The Vatican.”


It has only been hours since the attack and already the disturbing footage has appeared on You Tube and other web sites.  The ever ready conspiracy enthusiasts have launched several web sites presenting a wide variety of wacky theories.  The most prominent of these theories posit that the entire attack was a black op perpetrated by the Israeli clandestine paramilitary service, The Mossad.  Lunatics like Glenn Beck, Jesse Ventura and Sarah Palin believe that Israel may have staged this “operation” in an effort to draw America into a military conflict with Syria, Iran, or any other impoverished county within striking distance of Tel Aviv.

Rabbi Shlomo Ira Putzeinburg, a conservative stalwart in the Israeli Knesset countered some of these claims and in a strong appearance before the Israeli press and Matt Drudge emphasized, “It always comes back to the Jews.  Why is this?  Here, on Holocaust Remembrance Day some mashugana, schmuck seagull decides to murder a peaceful Catholic dove and somehow Israel was involved?!?  Oy vey.  This is madness.  Israel would never conduct such a secret operation.  We have reestablished a relationship with The Holy See.  I have been to The Vatican and I assure you that the Jews stand with the Catholics…at least as they are standing.  All that kneeling and up and down, up and down they do.  It’s enough to make an old Jew feel like a crazy shmendrik.  My prayer is that they get to the bottom of this soon.”



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