VATICAN
LAUNCHES INVESTIGATION:
CONSIDERS POSSIBILITY OF GULL’S DEMONIC
POSSESSION
Pope
Benedict XVI releasing dove that was attacked
(Sunday January 27, 2013. Vatican City, Rome, Italy) The meek, fragile
white dove is universally recognized as the symbolic icon of peace and
goodwill. Doves are often utilized in
public secular and religious ceremonies dedicated to peaceful purposes and
services of remembrance. The Roman Catholic Church employs live doves in
various events. Following in the
tradition of some of his recent predecessors, Pope Benedict XVI, the earthly
leader of the worldwide Holy See, has offered doves up to the heavens on many
occasions. Today was no exception except
what is typically a benign gesture turned into a brief but epic battle between
what some Catholic officials are interpreting to be the latest terrestrial
confrontation between living representatives of diabolic evil and divine good.
As over 3,000 of the faithful crowded
St. Peter’s Square to participate in the prayer service marking Holocaust
Remembrance Day, they quickly turned from a joyful, hopeful chorus of faithful
celebrants into a throng of terrified witnesses to an unprecedented, bizarre
spectacle that left many sobbing, trembling and some fainted. It has been reported that one American tourist, Loam "Dirt" Gustafson a retired manure farmer from Churning Gullet Falls, iowa suffered a heart attack.
As The Pontiff concluded the
prayer service he released two white doves.
The first dove hovered in the air just beyond the Pope’s outstretched
arms before flying high above the balcony on which the Papal entourage stood. Immediately after the second dove was
released by the Pope it was viciously attacked by a seagull which seemed to
appear from nowhere. As the evil seagull
pinned the cowering dove against a window pane adjacent to the balcony, the
crowd below watched in horror as the gull repeatedly struck the dove with its
sharp beak. For those present time
appeared to stand still as some of the dove’s bloodied feathers wafted to the
ground. The seagull was repelled after
one of the Pope’s aides using a high-powered, neon green, plastic water gun
blasted it with Holy Water. As the gull
became saturated with Holy Water it was seen screeching and writhing in
pain. The crowd was transfixed as the gull
began to bray like a donkey before defecating and smoldering before bursting
into flames. Pope Benedict XVI was
shaken but uninjured.
This Pope has had several
previous mishaps with symbolic dove releases in the last two years. On two separate occasions doves released from
The Pope’s hand flew in terror back into The Papal residence over the Pope’s
head. What transpired here this morning
is not being viewed as a similarly benign occurrence. Monsignor Nunzio Sorentinno, The Pope’s
closest aide made the sign of the cross continually as he commented, “These ah
dove ah no wanna no troub…I theenk these seagull is maybe sent from Hell. I
donna know, capisce”. It has been
verified by The Vatican Public Relations Officer Bishop Luiggi Mastropequa,
speaking to a small select group of Catholic reporters that “a Papal Review Council
consisting of some of our most eminent Jesuit theologians and biblical forensic
scholars was convened shortly after this morning’s horror. Some are speculating that the seagull was
perhaps demonically possessed or, if not, at least disgruntled or very, very angry. This Council will be looking into the
possibility of demonic possession while investigating other more probable explanations
for what we all witnessed this morning.”
The Council’s investigation
has little tangible evidence to examine.
What remains of the seagull after it burst into flames is “just a small
smattering of ashes and a charred feather or two” noted a priest close to the
investigation but unable to speak for attribution. Father Dr. Stanislaw Guy Kremjykz the director
of The Vatican Dove and Sacrificial Lamb Medical Center speculated, “The
seagull may have had some underlying neuropathology or maybe some avian
psychological disorder. I can’t say at
this time. I can say that the dove that
was the victim of this hideous attack was healthy, of good mind and body when
he was delivered to The Papal Residence just prior to this morning’s
service. I am deeply saddened to report
that he did not survive the attack. We
did all we could for him but the wounds he sustained in the attack proved to be
fatal. I am confident that he is in
heaven or at least in whatever annex of heaven proper is dedicated to doves and
other flying beings.”
Possibly
possessed gull attacking holy dove.
Not all Catholics, be they
clergy or lay people, are willing to call this seagull attack the result of
demonic possession. Some like Cardinal
Peter Paul Matthew Luke O’Shaunessey the Holy Chairman for Extra-Liturgical Activities
and Bingo Enterprises who serves in the Archdiocese of Baltimore commented, “ Demonic
possession is an incredibly rare phenomenon and I am not prepared to jump to
any conclusions until I am satisfied all other possibilities have been
exhausted. In my tenure in this
Archdiocese I have been called upon several times to investigate suspected
cases of demonic possession. In one
recent case I found the individual to be clinically messianic, of a very low
IQ, and highly susceptible to suggestion but in no way was George W. Bush
possessed. I think Dick Cheney might
have been but I was not allowed near him and I am grateful to God for that.”
The reaction to this
incredible, perhaps evil event has been varied around the world. Assorted religious leaders, politicians,
pundits, commentators, sinners, winners and loser have expressed their own
interpretation of the gull attack.
Predictably age old adversaries have adopted this event to further their
own ideology and agenda. In the United
States the hardcore right wing Evangelical Christian Conservatives have adopted
the stance that the seagull was likely of African ancestry and sent by vile
forces summoned by President Barack Obama.
In a radio broadcast this afternoon FOX News cable personality and
overall half-wit Bill O’Reilly himself a self-proclaimed “staunch, practicing
Catholic said, “This is what happens when we elect a socialist, allow
abortions, take prayer out of our schools and guns out of the hands of our valiant,
law abiding citizens. We can probably
expect more of these awful scenes in the future.”
As patently absurd and asinine
as O’Reilly’s statement was, there were still more shameful, idiotic comments
from others across the globe. For some
unknown reason many of the most out spoken have oddly associated what
transpired here earlier as being related to United States politics despite the
fact that this was solely a Vatican ceremony and The Pope is a religious leader, not a
political figure. Wayne LaPierre,
President of the US based National Rifle Association (NRA) asserted in a press
release that, “This attack would never have happened on American soil. Had any seagull or other predatory creature
launched an attack on a holy dove, I assure you our members would have blasted
it out of the skies long before any harm was inflicted on The Pope’s dove. If the Italians were as heavily armed as we
are, that damned evil bird would have been annihilated.”
RELIGIOUS LEADERS AT ODDS WITH VATICAN INVESTIGATION
News of the fierce attack on a
Papal dove by a troubled seagull has spread around the world rapidly thanks to
the never ending news cycle. As a result
just 7 hours from the actual event, there is already a good deal of controversy
surrounding this attack. Even before the
Papal Review Council has begun conducting their internal investigation, some
prominent religious leaders are casting doubt on the Vatican’s ability to be
objective. Some have expressed concerns
that The Vatican may not release their complete findings and that when a final
report is issued it will it will be heavily redacted depending what they
uncover.
The Right Reverend Buster Lee
Shuckster III who ministers to a large flock of strict southern Baptists at his
Church of the Redeemer in suburban Waco Texas spoke to a local CNN affiliate
today and expressed his concerns that, “Them Catlics is a pretty secretive lot
with all their rites, rituals, rules and regulations. Personally, I don’t trust that whole Vatican
crowd, all them Eye-talian priests and whatnot living like they lived in the
dark ages. I am not ruling out the
thought that the damned seagull was possessed.
I have seen members of my flock, dogs, snakes, livestock, and my mother-in-law
speaking in tongues so I have an open mind.
Still, Baptists are one thing.
Catlics are another breed entirely.”
More than halfway around the
world from the dusty plains of Central Texas, high in the Tibetan hills, the
Dalai Lama, leads adherents to the Tibetan Buddhist doctrine. The Dalai Lama spoke from his mountain top
temple and observed that, “The dove and seagull are one. They are one, if not with each other than as
living creatures in this plane of existence.
Perhaps, the dove will be reincarnated as a gull and the gull will get
to experience another life as a gentle dove.”
From an undisclosed remote
location in the rugged terrain that is the Afghanistan – Pakistan border, a top
level al Qaeda commander, Halli Walli Hulahoop recorded a message that was
secretly delivered to a staffer for Al Jezeera.
The network decided to air a portion of Hulahoop’s remarks after
verifying that the voice and pictures on the tape were infact Hulahoop, thought
to be the fourth highest ranking member of al Qaeda. “What the world has witnessed today, Praise
Allah, was the righteous jihad of a Muslim seagull sent from on high to smite
the infidel dove. We had prayed that
Allah would have sent a legion of devout gulls but, thanks be to Allah, that
one gull was able to kill that dove. I
can assure all those in the West who seek to destroy us that there will be more
seagulls sent as martyrs and we already have willing goats, sheep, wombats, a
squad of mules, and 7 rabid dogs prepared to do battle with the infidels. God willing, they will succeed. Besides, I just want them all out of my
cave. It stinks in here.”
THE PENTAGON REACTS
Top officials at the CIA, NSA
and DOD scrambled to obtain satellite imagery of the attack at The
Vatican. Lt. Colonel F. Hugh Bahlz
issued a statement to the press corps at the Pentagon which read in part, “The
United States takes this surprise attack very seriously. We have put several of our instillations on
high alert status. We need more time to
study the satellite images of the attack before we can offer a reasoned opinion
of this apparent ambush and we will take actions commensurate with our
findings.”
Secretary of Defense Leon
Panetta has been in close contact with his Italian counterpart as well as the
top officers at NATO. He made brief
remarks as he shuttled between secret meeting and the situation room here at
the Pentagon. Panetta said, “We take
this seriously although we have no idea if it was serious. We are seriously lacking serious information
at this time but recognize its potential seriousness and we will assess just
how seriously we should take this apparently serious event. Speaking personally, as a serious Catholic
myself, I am very troubled and seriously concerned that a seagull was able to
penetrate Vatican airspace unopposed, unchallenged and, as I understand it,
undetected until seconds before the air assault. The United States government has expressed
our condolences to The Vatican and the world-wide sacrificial dove
community. We have told them that we stand
with them and any further provocation or attacks will be met with a rapid
response. We are ordering the immediate
dispatch of a fleet of drones that will fly over The Vatican.”
CONSPIRACY THEORY
It has only been hours since
the attack and already the disturbing footage has appeared on You Tube and other web
sites. The ever ready conspiracy
enthusiasts have launched several web sites presenting a wide variety of wacky
theories. The most prominent of these
theories posit that the entire attack was a black op perpetrated by the Israeli
clandestine paramilitary service, The Mossad.
Lunatics like Glenn Beck, Jesse Ventura and Sarah Palin believe that
Israel may have staged this “operation” in an effort to draw America into a
military conflict with Syria, Iran, or any other impoverished county within striking
distance of Tel Aviv.
Rabbi Shlomo Ira Putzeinburg,
a conservative stalwart in the Israeli Knesset countered some of these claims
and in a strong appearance before the Israeli press and Matt Drudge emphasized,
“It always comes back to the Jews. Why
is this? Here, on Holocaust Remembrance Day some mashugana, schmuck seagull decides to murder a
peaceful Catholic dove and somehow Israel was involved?!? Oy vey. This is madness. Israel would never conduct such a secret
operation. We have reestablished a
relationship with The Holy See. I have
been to The Vatican and I assure you that the Jews stand with the Catholics…at
least as they are standing. All that kneeling
and up and down, up and down they do. It’s
enough to make an old Jew feel like a crazy shmendrik. My prayer is that they get to the bottom
of this soon.”
TAGS: POPE BENEDICT XVI, HOLOCAUST REMEMBRANCE DAY DOVE
RELEASE, PAPAL SATIRE, DIVINE COMEDY, DEVILISH HUMOR, DEMONIC POSSESSION, HOLY
MOLY, (JUST KIDDING, GOD)
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