Wednesday, May 6, 2009



Speaker Pelosi will take the face of Dom DeLuise.

(May 6, Cleveland, OH) Ever since the world was introduced to the first known, successful, American face transplant performed by a stellar team of surgeons here at the Cleveland Clinic, requests for such operations have been pouring in.

One very well guarded secret in Hollywood has been that several recently deceased actors and actresses have had their bodies and faces cryogenically frozen in the hopes that at some point in the future they could be thawed out only to be cured of whatever particular ailment took their lives originally. It has been a desire of the ultra rich and ultra vain to be preserved awaiting cures in a state of suspended animation.

Some of the deceased celebrities have had only their faces frozen and now some of their next of kin and family members want to cash in on their famous relative’s faces. One prominent maxio-facial surgeon has dubbed this the beginning of “The Face Race.” The list of frozen celebrity faces has been maintained under the strictest security for many years with some of the frozen stars identities known only by a handful of wealthy, powerful people.

The first such powerful person to step forward and request a face transplant is the Democratic Representative from California and current Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi, 69, is no stranger to the plastic surgeon’s scalpel having undergone a wide variety of cosmetic and reconstructive procedures over the past decade. According to sources, some of the physicians who have provided Pelosi surgical services in the past have refused to partake in her face transplant. She has decided to have the face of the recently deceased actor and chef, Dom DeLuise, transplanted.

Dr. Harry Nevus who has performed over one dozen face lifts, eye lifts, tummy tucks, Botox injections, ass implants, breast lifts, liposuctions, hair transplants and de-turkey-neckings on Pelosi, told reporters, “Frankly, in good conscience, I couldn’t touch her again. In my best medical opinion every thing that could be done to improve her appearance has been done. Unfortunately a few of her most recent procedures were abject failures. She is currently suing me for malpractice but she doesn’t stand a chance of winning. Actually, I hope her face falls off and her ass collapses.”

Some in the medical community have expressed reservations about having such an intense, highly complex and risky procedure performed for purely cosmetic reasons. Dr. Dan Kepler, a Medical Ethicist at the University of Northern Kentucky commented, “This is an operation indicated for a very select few patients who have sustained severe, disfiguring facial trauma and need the procedure for physiological reasons as well as quality of life issues. This should not be undertaken electively. I am disappointed that the Speaker of the House has decided to have Dom DeLuise’s face transplanted onto hers but, on the other hand, looking at her, I can see why; even though I do not ethically agree.”

One of Pelosi’s spokespersons, Myra Della-Cruz Flanagan, told reporters that, “The Speaker did not make this decision lightly although it may appear to have been hasty. Actually she has wanted a face transplant for many years and now that Dom DeLuise’s face has become available she has request to begin the procedures as soon as possible.”

When questioned why Pelosi chose DeLuise’s face, Flanagan replied, “Nancy and Dom were very friendly for many years. Dom was generous enough to have his face preserved for the Speaker. She thinks assuming Dom’s face will give her a measure of respect and gravitas that has alluded her throughout her political career. Also, once she has her new face, no one can call her witch, bitch or the “C word” without feeling a little odd.”

Since no hospitals or surgeons in the United States would consent to perform the ‘Pelosi to DeLuise’ face transplant, the Speaker will be traveling to Waziristan. The very involved, technical procedure will be conducted by a team of facial, reconstructive and cosmetic surgeons as well as several demolition experts, a stone mason and a hair waxer. Dr. Nimrod Gul, Director of Face, Eye and Mouth Surgery at the Waziristan Polytechnic and Medical Institute will be the Chief surgeon involved. He told reporters “From what I have seen of the patient, we can’t screw up that badly. Anything we do will be big improvement. Even if we are not 100% successful, who’ll notice?”

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