Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Jonathan Locke, 15 year old
alleged gas passer.

(March 24, Lakeland, FLA) The Polk County school system has put their foot down; they will not tolerate malicious flatulence any longer.

On March 16th a school bus driver submitted to his superiors a “misbehavior form” reporting that one of his student passengers, an eighth grader, Jonathan Locke, had perpetrated a disrupting episode of flatulence while riding the school bus. Locke was subsequently suspended from riding the school bus for three days. This case is the latest in a series of disturbing outbreaks of public farting among Florida school children. Local school boards are actively developing intervention programs designed to lessen incidents of such menacing farting as well as to counsel the victims. “Right now we think this has got to stop”, said Dr. Hurl Clayton, president of the Florida Primary Education Association. Clayton continued, “While we may not be able to adequately educate or discipline our students, one thing we sure as hell can control is their obnoxious and noxious emissions of gas. I wouldn’t want my son riding on a bus filled with flatus. He gets enough of that at home from his mother.”

The Associated Press has obtained a copy of the bus drivers report which states, “... a 15-year-old teen passing gas on the bus on March 16 to make the other children laugh, creating a stench so bad that it was difficult to breathe.” The bus driver handed the teen the suspension form the next day according to the report.

The accused, Jonathan Locke, denied the raucous farting blaming the episode and fall out stench on a “kid that sits in front of me.” Local authorities were having none of it. Police Officer Hector Alonzo-Baaz of the Lakeland PD commented, “Yeah, that’s the oldest excuse in the book...always blame somebody else for farting. People that fart angrily, aggressively and criminally never own up to the fact that they did in fact fart. It never fails, they always blame another kid or a dog”.

The report emphasizes that Locke went on his farting spree in an effort to make the other students on the bus “laugh”. Tyrell Earl Lassiter, the union representative for Polk County school bus drivers told reporters, “Well, I for one do not think this is a laughing matter. The men and women I represent do not think this is funny. They already have to put up with enough annoying crap on their school buses that they shouldn’t be expected to tolerate incapacitating fart stench.”

Governor Charlie Crist has ordered the formation of a Blue Ribbon Panel to investigate the causes and effects of school bus farting in Florida. “This has been a silent but deadly problem for years. No one has wanted to discuss this blight on our educational system or take it on. Many of us have turned a deaf ear to the outbreak of distrurbing farting plaguing our schools and our nation. Well, those days are over. We will attack this and any manner of farting that is interfering with our children's education or transporting them to and from the places that we educate them.”

Some local child psychologists and counselors have expressed concern with the efforts school boards may take to staunch the flow of intestinal gas in the school system. Linda Murphy-Delgado, Ph.D., a world renowned expert on juvenile flatus warns, “I fear our students may become so frightened of being ostracized and disciplined that they will develop physical and mental disorders from suppressing their farts. What message are we sending our young children when we punish them for an involuntary bodily function? What’s next, will we then seek to eradicate burping, belching, yawning, snorting, hiccuping, and whooping cough? Where will this attack on body sounds end”?


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