Tuesday, February 10, 2009


God Help Us

Julio Osegueda

(Feb. 10, Ft. Myers, FL) The Republicans have “Joe the Plumber” and now, it appears, the Democrats finally have a worthy counterpart; Julio “The Student” Osegueda. The hyperactive 19 year old college student and McDonalds employee caught the eye of President Obama during a campaign style town hall meeting here earlier today. After the President delivered his opening remarks about the economic turmoil and his proposed “bailout “ plan, he took questions from the audience. The last audience member to ask the President a question was Julio. After jumping wildly up and down on his chair, frantically waving his spaghetti-thin arms above his head and screaming at the President, Julio was called upon to ask his question. Initially, it appeared as if he was preparing to ask a trick question or deliver a sarcastic remark but, Julio did neither. He asked a legitimate question about health care benefits for employees which the President graciously answered.

Some commentators such as the hyper moronic Chris Matthews of MSNBC implied that there was something wrong with Julio. Matthews, with spittle and foam flying from his flapping lips, seemed to interpret Julio’s animated, enthusiastic reaction upon being called on by the President as symptoms of some mental or emotional abnormality. This was an odd point of view coming from the buffoonish blowhard Matthews whose own stability, emotional control and psychological dysfunctions are called into question every night he appears on the third rate cable network.

Criticism, first impressions and appearances aside, Julio is suddenly poised to assume the standard bearer role for the Democratic Party just as the bald, illiterate, unemployed, tax evading, drunken clown Joe Wurzelbacher has for the Republicans. Joe the Plumber, as he has come to be known, gained prominence at the tail end of the Presidential campaign in 2008 once GOP candidate John McCain made the ugly imbecile a household name. Inexplicably, as recently as last week, Joe the Plumber remained deeply involved in the Republican Party addressing a gathering of GOP Congressional staffers.

“Joe the Plumber stands for everything that is good in this country and for everything the Republican Party represents. We are proud to have him as our powerful mascot and a symbol of what we can all become in this country”, commented the ferret faced Senate Minority Leader, Mitch “Little Bitch” McConnell of Kentucky. The chinless, mindless, spineless Little Bitch continued, “Julio is no Joe. I know Joe, I work with Joe, Joe has slept with my wife and, trust me , Julio is no Joe.”

Democratic Party officials showered praise on Julio while expressing deep gratitude for standing up and going berserk today. Chief Adviser to President Obama, Dave Axelrod said, “ Had Julio not gotten the attention of the President, none of us would have the pleasure of knowing him now and America would have been deprived of a great spokesman, a fantastic role model and one super hyped up guy. We think there is definitely a place for him in the Administration if not the White House.”

Julio is a student at Edison State College and has told the press that he plans to pursue a career in broadcasting or as DJ. His stellar communication skills were in full display today and he has gained national prominence in the short time since his rivetting appearance on TV stations around the world. “He will be bigger than Joe the Plumber. Bigger than Rod Blagojevich, Sarah Palin and Tom Daschle”, commented White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel. “The President is looking forward to having Julio join his staff in a position soon to be determined. There is a lot you can do with a guy like this. He will be an effective communicator and may help Americans understand our stimulus package. President Obama
is eager to get Julio involved as soon as possible”, continued Emmanuel.

Julio could not be reached for comment. It was reported that the he is currently in the custody of the Secret Service pending the results of a background check.

At the McDonalds’ where Julio has been employed for the last four years, there were mixed emotions among his fellow employees. “Julio is a great dude man...one of the smartest dudes I know, man”, said Kermit Dilwater, as he dropped frozen fish fillets into the deep fryer. The manager, Julio’s boss, Ned E. Furthz angrily told reporters, “I don’t care if he was elected Pope. He didn’t call in, we don’t know where he is and now I am really short handed. I was getting tired of him drinking all the Mountain Dew and acting like an asshole anyways. Fuck him. I hope Obama gives him a job because his ass is fired from here.”





Copyright TBC 2009 © All Rights Reserved

No comments: