President Bush visiting with President-elect Obama
in the Oval Office on Monday.
(Nov. 11, Fort Meade, MD) In a startling revelation two employees of the national intelligence apparatus as well as a White House insider reported that yesterdays’ meeting between President George W. Bush and the President-elect, Barak Obama was secretly recorded under direct orders from Vice President Dick Cheney. One of the sources, all of who spoke under the strictest of confidentially and anonymity, initially contacted The Brooding Cynyx news desk via an encrypted e-mail to report the eavesdropping. Subsequently there was a clandestine meeting with a TBC reporter and the three sources held earlier today at an undisclosed location. According to all three sources Dick Cheney ordered the Oval Office to be “bugged” by a surveillance technician from the CIA. This technician whose identity remains unknown at this time was allegedly shot by a Cheney staffer after his services were no longer needed to insure this secret activity remain secret.
All those involved in providing this leaked information also had in their possession corroborating documents offered as proof of the eavesdropping operation. One of the operatives, a high ranking analyst from the NSA also produced a tape recorded phone conversation between Cheney and himself. TBC had the tape analyzed and voice printed to assure its authenticity.It was scientifically proven to be legitimate. No one was available for comment at the Vice President’s Office today. The White House issued a brief statement this afternoon stating “The President is taking this matter seriously. He is all too familiar with Vice President Cheney’s obsession for obtaining information illegally. The President has usually allowed Dick to do whatever he wanted but is very upset that Mr. Cheney chose to spy on him. He feels the sanctity of the Oval Office has been compromised and has insisted an exterminator be brought in immediately to remove whatever “bugs, rodents or varmints” Dick planted in there.”
Another of the operatives turned over a portion of the secretly recording conversation between Bush and Obama. This recording has been rigorously tested, analyzed and verified as legitimate. What follows are excerpts from that recording.
GWB: George W. Bush
BHO: Barak H. Obama
GWB: “Welcome to the Oval Office, Barracks. I have made some of my most misoverinterpretated decisions right here. Some of the one's I most proudest of."
BHO: “Thank you Mr. President. By the way, my name is Barak.”
GWB: “Well shitfire…what did I call ya’ fella?”
BHO: “It’s really not important sir, I believe we have much more important, pressing issues to discuss in our brief time together today.”
GWB: “We do? You don’t say. I thought we’d just kinda kick back and I’d be able to tell ya’ what it’s like to be the most powerful cowboy on the planet.”
BHO: “Perhaps you could tell me some stories another time sir. Actually I am more concerned with the economy, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, unemployment, health care, education, and all the other challenges I will inherit in 71 days.”
GWB: “Ya’ are? Well shut my mouth. You are a pretty damned serious guy for a politician, Bama.”
BHO: “Indeed sir. Um, my name is Obama not ‘Bama. Actually Bama is a nick name for the State of Alabama, sir.”
GWB: “Whut in the hell ya’ talkin’ about son? I hate to break it to ya’ but, Alabama is a football team that plays somewhere in the south. I’m not sure which State it is.”
BHO: “But sir, I thought you served in the Air National Guard and was stationed in Alabama.”
GWB: “No shit? Well, if I was, that’s news to me. Wanna’ Coke or Pepsi? I’m partial to Mr. Pibb but I do manage to drink some Mountain Dew when I get tired. Can I get you anything? Are you hungry? Do you want to hit a few golf balls out on the lawn?”
BHO: “Respectfully, sir, I came here to have a serious conversation with you not to drink soda or play golf. I had hoped you would be candid with me, enlighten me on some of the most difficult situations I will face when you leave office.”
GWB: “Sorry Haystack. Ya’ don’t have to get so riled up! Okay, how about you just tell me what you want to know and I’ll see if I can help you out. Before that, do you mind if I let Barney, my dog, come in. He likes to sniff visitors’ legs. I promise he won’t bite bu,t you do look a little bit like a groundskeeper he has attacked once or twice.”
BHO: “Oh boy…with all do respect sir, if it would speed this conversation up, let the dog in and have a Mr. Pibb. I really have some issues I need your input on. Also, my name is Barak not Haystack.”
(Short pause while Barney enters the Oval Office and Mr. Bush gets his Mr. Pibb and some pretzels.)
GWH: “Hell, I knew that, I was just funnin’ with ya’. You sure seem wound up tight. You Okay? I suppose that long fight with John McCain mighta’ worn ya’ down some. Wanna take a nap?”
BHO: “Thank you but, no sir. Could you share your thoughts with me on Guantanamo?
GWH: “Well I know it’s in Cuba and we have a whole bunch of evil doers down there. Bob Gates tells me the food is pretty good. Ya’ know them Muslim, Islamic extremists don’t like pork or bacon or French fries. Stuff like that. But, I suppose with you being a Muslim yourself, you already know that. I figure we can keep those terrorists there as long as we want…maybe forever. Wanna Twinkie?”
BHO: “Sir, I am most certainly not a Muslim. I am as much a Christian as you are. Please, do not think I am a Muslim, but, if I was, what difference would it make?”
GWB: “Take it easy, Barstock. It was an honest error. Actually Dick told me you were Muslim. You mean to tell me that Uncle Dick was actually wrong?”
BHO: “It’s BARAK and yes, I believe your Uncle Dick has been wrong about many, many things. His being wrong about my religious affiliation is the least of them. Now, maybe it would be better to discuss this economic stimulus package. I am unsure about the mechanics of this infusion of capital to Wall Street. The middle class really needs some relief.”
GWB: “Hey, don’t speak harshly about Dick. He is a great American and it has been my pleasure to serve him while he has served with me during this time that needed us all to serve and be of service. Now, Wall Street, wee, some of Daddy’s best friends have interests there, ya’ know what I mean. I figure if they’re happy they will be empowered to make the middle class happy. The whole middle class, not just mechanics. Hey, did you ever meet Joe the Plumber? He seemed like a hell of a good fella; the kind of guy I’d like to drink a beer with except I don’t drink beer anymore. I used to drink like a slobbering Irishman after Daddy pulled all those strings to get me into Yale. Hell, one time we were drinkin' gin and...ah...never mind. I stick to the Mr. Pibb and Mountain Dew today. Hey…it looks like Barney likes you. I think he took a squirt on your pants cuff. What kind of dog do you plan to get when you move inhere?”
BHO: “Mr. President, perhaps I should go. This conversation is not working out as I anticipated. I spoke with Joe the Plumber once. John McCain made him a celebrity. Also, sir, you may not have noticed but Barney just left a mess under your chair.”
GWB: “That rascal. He gets excited whenever I have company. He’s been known to take a dump or a leak in front of world leaders. Heck, he pissed all over Harmid Karzai’s shoes. That was a hoot. Ya’ know the Taliban won’t allow terriers in Afghanistan? They hate them…poodles too. Godless fuckers. Sorry, as I was sayin’, that was almost as good as the time he humped the Pope’s leg. Sometimes he throws up on Air Force One but the Secret Service keeps carpet cleaner on that plane at all times.”
According to our sources Dick had a listening device implanted in Barney's ass. The other bugs were concealed throughout the Oval Office because, as one of our sources reported, “Dick Cheney did not want to miss anything. The coverage in that room was complete. Every word and sound was captured. The portions of the tapes I listened to and transcribed had a good deal of Barney farts on it. If there weren’t redundant listening devices, some things might have been missed and we would have been stuck with only those dog farts. Dick would have been pissed. He may have had us all killed.”
Barak Obama was informed of the alleged eavesdropping activities today and expressed great dismay and some measure of anger that what he thought to be a confidential discussion was secretly recorded. “Well, in a sense, it may have some historical value. The brief time I spend talking and listening to Mr. Bush afforded me the opportunity to understand more clearly how this country has wound up ion the shape it’s in. I also know to make sure the carpets are all cleaned before I move in with my family. It might be a real challenge to get rid of all the stink in there. Quite a bit of stink has built up in The White House while George W. Bush has lived there.”
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