Monday, August 11, 2008


President Vows “Swift Retaliation” If Russians Approach Alabama

(August 11, Washington, DC) As Russian troops continue their assault on the sovereign nation of Georgia, a former Soviet state republic, George W. Bush has issued his harshest rebuke of Russia and particularly of Vladimir Putin, the Prime Minister of Russia. Shortly after his first personal meeting with then Russian President Putin in late 2001, President Bush was quoted saying he had “looked into his (Putin’s) soul.” Apparently, their relationship has become increasingly strained as Putin’s Russia has taken several significant steps backwards in their nascent efforts towards a more open society and free market economy. All of this has transpired while George W. Bush has been in the White House.

While President Bush played volleyball with some of the members of the US Olympic Team athletes competing in China, the Russian Army and Air Force pushed their way through the disputed separatist province of South Ossetia and have reached the Capitol city of Gori leaving a mass of dead and wounded in their wake. The Russian forces also launched a massive air raid on the City of Tkviavi.

Upon his return to the White House after bumbling around in Beijing for the Olympic opening ceremony, President Bush answered reporters’ questions earlier today. “I have made it clear and, ah, Dick has too, that, uh, ah, um, this thing in Georgia will not stand. It is unacceptable. If Putin plans on moving his troops towards Alabama, Florida or South Carolina, ah, we, I, ah, me and Dick will retaliate. We will hunt them all down. We will get them dead or alive.” Mr. Bush appeared genuinely taken aback when reporters pointed out that the Russian aggression was occurring in what was once Soviet Georgia rather than the US State of Georgia.

When Melissa Boinkmi of FOX News pressed Mr. Bush on the issue he abruptly responded, “Hey, it doesn’t really matter. I won’t tolerate any placed named Georgia to be attacked by Russia. I’ve spent rainy nights in Georgia, I have had Georgia on my mind and once, Laura and I took a midnight train to Georgia. The Russians have to understand this administrations commitment to Georgia’s all over, the, um, ah, world.”

By this point, President Bush appeared to be extremely disoriented or solidly constipated. White House Press Secretary, Dana Perrino, continued the press conference as the President was lead away by his aides. Ms. Perrino was at a loss to explain Bush’s behavior and obvious idiocy. She ended the session saying, “If you were under as much pressure as the pressure he’s under you’d know what pressure like that kind of pressure is like.”

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