Tuesday, May 27, 2008


Bill Says “They” Conspire To Keep Hillary Out Of White House

(May 27, TBC) Speaking at a campaign event in South Dakota this past Sunday, Bill Clinton, former President and husband of current Democratic candidate, Hillary, told the small audience that some unidentified forces were trying to “cover up” certain information regarding his wife’s chances for general election victory. Clearly, she must first get past frontrunner, Barak Obama to secure the Democratic Party nomination.

The former President, who has been a vigorous, if not nasty, rabid, loose cannon of a surrogate for Hillary, appears to be slipping dangerously close to that ill-defined border separating sanity from insanity. His remarks, illogical and paranoid, signal his rapid deterioration. Mr. Clinton appeared close to some sort of breakdown, fit or tantrum as he blathered, “I can’t believe it. It is just frantic the way they are trying to push and pressure and bully all these super delegates to come out.” Mr. Clinton repeatedly described the forces allied against his wife as, “they” and “some”; terms he never did specifically identify in any way. One psychiatrist present at the event noted, “When ‘they’ and ‘some’ are all out to get you, that is the vocabulary associated with the paranoid mind, perhaps delusionally paranoid. It may be a contagious condition. Obviously Bill and Hillary suffer from it but who gave it to who would require advanced clinical study.”

As his rage grew, the crowd began to drift away. Several young children were seen crying and running away as their parents chased after them. One elderly woman in the front row vomited and gave Mr. Clinton ‘the finger’. He promptly threw a jelly donut at her that hit her on the shoulder. She was escorted away by friends. The nearly apoplectic former President continued, “Oh, this is so terrible: The people they want her. Oh, this is so terrible: She is winning the general election and he is not. Oh my goodness, we have to cover this up.” Still, Clinton failed to elaborate on who he was accusing.

Oddly, Mr. Clinton’s remarks were strangely reminiscent of his wife’s now infamous comments accusing a “Vast right wing conspiracy” as the prime force working to undermine and impeach her husband in 1998. The notion of a ‘conspiracy’ of any sort was roundly criticized at the time. Mr. Clinton’s own indiscretions, actions and those of members of his administration fueled the fires that outraged many. Actually, it is the “Clinton Years” in the White House, 1993 through 2001, that are most often cited as the beginning of the “politics of personal destruction.” It seems now that the Clinton’s themselves, on the verge of defeat, have now mastered that craft.

By the time he concluded his remarks, Clinton was red-faced, sputtering, sweating profusely and shaking. The only people remaining to witness his speech in its entirety were members of the press, many drunk or hung over from the stress of having to cover Bill Clinton as he campaigns for his wife.

As the former President and his entourage left for the airport, their small caravan of Secret Service SUV’s were pelted by beer cans, sugar beets, eggs, yams, cow flops and the occasional watermelon. At one point a dead sow was tossed in the caravan’s path but they easily avoided the obstacle. No injuries or arrests were reported. The sow had died earlier in the day from natural causes. It was later butchered, barbecued and served to a large crowd at a Barak Obama rally.

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