NYPD COMMISH TO WALLENDA:

“NOT IN MY BACKYARD”

KELLY OFFERS SOME ALTERNATIVES TO DAREDEVIL

Nik Wellenda on a tight rope walking across the Grand Canyon (top)

NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly telling Wallenda to “take a f@#king hike”

TAGS: NIK WELLENDA, NYPD COMMISSIONER RAY KELLY, WALLENDA GRAND CANYON WALK,

KELLY SAYS ‘TAKE A F*CKIN’ WALK’, SATIRE, HUMOR, PARODY, COMEDY

(Tuesday June 25, 2013, One Police Plaza, NYC)  Just days after Nik Wallenda, a seventh generation member of the famous aerialists The Flying Wallendas crossed a 1400 chasm over the eastern aspect of the Grand Canyon on a two inch steel cable with a worldwide television audience estimated at 50 million, the New York Police Department Commissioner, Ray Kelly, responded to comments Wallenda made immediately after his harrowing 23 minute skywalk.  The record breaking high wire walker who has conquered Niagara Falls among other famous sights with dizzying heights commented that he’d like to “do a walk in New York City…maybe from the Empire State building to the Chrysler Building”, a distance of almost 10,000 feet. 

Ray Kelly, arguably the most effective and, by most polls, a very popular Police Commissioner, was not about to wait for a formal request from the Wallenda Team.  Speaking with reporters yesterday and earlier today he was adamantly opposed to the idea of such a stunt taking place over Midtown Manhattan.  Kelly commented on what would be “nightmarish” logistics that would require a significant swathe of Midtown to be “shut down” to protect pedestrians if Wallenda should happen to fall.  “We just can’t have it,” continued Kelly adding, “Since he is a daredevil and thrill seeker and I respect his abilities, I have a few suggestions he might be willing to consider instead of a high wire walk here.”

When pressed to elaborate Kelly said, “I can think of any number of neighborhoods, certain blocks, he might find very challenging walking alone in the middle of the night.  We have some apartment complexes where our Officers perform what are known as “Vertical Patrol” walking down the stairs from the roofs to the lobbies and interdicting whatever crimes they encounter.  It is often hazardous duty in some of the housing projects.  If he’s looking for a thrill well, he might get a bit more than he bargained for”.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg has his Commissioner’s back on this issue. He told a group of reporters that, “I’m concerned that some of our children might be inspired to do something like that and end up badly injured.  Since most of our children are Big Gulp chugging, junk food scarfing, chain smoking, out of shape imbeciles, I don’t think they need that kind of distraction.  I intend to introduce a Bill to the City Council that would restrict such activity in all five Boroughs”.  Bloomberg added, “If he really wants to pull off an amazing high wire act, perhaps he can help us balance our budget.  Now that would be a real feat.”

Not all New Yorkers shared the sentiments expressed by Kelly and Bloomberg.  Vinny Matenucci, a stone mason from Brooklyn said, “I’d like to see him walk from the Verrazano Bridge to the Statute of Liberty.  Now that would be a real f&*ckin' show".  Manny Rivera, an unemployed gynecologist from The Bronx commented, “If he’s such a bad ass, let him take the 6 Train Uptown around 3 O’clock in the morning all by hisself”.

As far as Team Wallenda is concerned they believe that eventually they will secure permission to make a high wire walk across one of the many imposing edifices in Manhattan.  Nik Wallenda, speaking to the press from a rented camper in Arizona said, “Praise Jesus…Praise God…Oh, God Almighty steady the thinking of Ray Kelly and the good Jew Bloomberg.  Yes, Mr. Mayor Jesus loves you too and He can set your judgment right just as, Praise Jesus, Praise God, He set my wire right on my walk in the glory of His name.   Let me walk with you Jesus, wherever you deem I am worthy to walk”. 

At this point it appears that Willenda will not be allowed to perform a stunt in New York City.  NYPD Commissioner Kelly made an aside to the press as he was making a wobbly exit from the Blarney Stone on West 43^rd Street saying, “I will not condone any Phillip Petit type of crap.  If he wants to climb a building, walk across a bridge or stick his thumb up his ass on a unicycle, my Officers will Stop and Frisk him and send him back to Sarasota Springs in a little worse shape than he was in when he got here. We have enough to deal with everyday without having a circus act take place overhead in Midtown. Is that clear”?

http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/nypd-commish-cuts-cord-wallenda-stunt-article-1.1381491

http://gothamist.com/2013/06/25/ray_kelly_to_nik_wallenda_no_aerial.php

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/25/nik-wallenda-nyc-skyscraper-tightrope-_n_3495437.html?utm_hp_ref=new-york

http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2013/06/nik-wallenda-empire-state-building-chrysler-tightrope.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/24/nik-wallenda-nyc-empire-state_n_3490074.html

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-201_162-57590641/nik-wallenda-completes-tightrope-walk-across-gorge-near-grand-canyon/

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/tv-ratings-13-million-watch-574110

http://www.csmonitor.com/USA/2013/0624/Nik-Wallenda-above-the-canyon-a-1-400-foot-conversation-with-Jesus-video

Copyright The Brooding Cynyx 2013 © All Rights Reserved

CUT THE RIBBONS

ENOUGH’S ENOUGH

(Thursday January 17, 2013)  Let’s have at least a temporary moratorium on Ribbons: Cause Ribbons, Advocacy Ribbons, Awareness Ribbons, Support Ribbons.  Whatever they are called let’s not have any new ones added to the dizzying plethora of these annoying ubiquitous little ornaments.  It has gotten completely out of hand.  The entire Crayola crayon collection of 64 colors has already been exhausted and now there are some colors that are associated with more than one single cause or issue.  It has reached the point where the normal spectrum of colors is insufficient to the incessant demand so, some Ribbons are in patterns – camouflage, spotted, plaid, rainbows, argyle and a host of other hideous designs to make one despise not only the imbecile wearing the Ribbon on their lapel, collar or hat, but prompt you to immediately develop a “fuck them” attitude to whatever group is represented by that particular ribbon.  Enough is enough.

Americans are a quirky, idiosyncratic, often simple-minded people, as diverse and disparate as a population not engaged in armed conflict with each other can be.  Our culture, or what passes for it today, is prone to fads of all kinds and sorts.  The preponderance of ribbons has moved way beyond a simple fleeting fad into a trend and now, apparently, into a full-fledged embarrassing fetish.  You know that your cause, illness, gripe or issue has officially arrived when it gets a fuckin’ ribbon.  This entire Ribbon shtick may have started out innocently and sincerely but it is now a shallow practice meant to signify the wearer’s allegiance with a group or cause without really doing anything of substance or meaning for that group or cause. 

Actually these Ribbons have moved beyond ribbon.  The ribbon loop image is available as car and refrigerator magnets, novelties of every kitschy variety from mugs, key chains, pens, beach towels, hairnets, trusses, caps, scarves, Frisbees, purses, handbags, wallets, combs, suppositories, playing cards, beanies, aprons, belt buckles, Goiter clothes, slippers, stuffed animals, vomit basins, oven mitts, ear rings, bracelets, barrettes, spare tire covers, trailer hitch covers, tarps, flags, banners, lawn ornaments, neon lights, condoms, and every kind of throw-away, give away item you might get at an insurance agency’s open house.  These ribbons are virtually everywhere, they are inescapable and it is well passed time that we put an end to this madness.

There is no arguing that many of these causes and groups are important; there is no denying that many of these illnesses, ailments, conditions, syndromes, rashes, and diseases; congenital and acquired, need to have a greater level of the non-afflicted public’s attention.  No.  Some of these advocacy/support ribbons have shed light on afflictions and impairments the victims of which have had to suffer in silence often feeling alone in their struggles.  Perhaps all Americans needed to be more cognizant of the fact that too many of our fellow American’s, our friends, neighbors, co-workers, distant cousins, and bowling team members are engaged in a daily, ruthless battle with horrid maladies and miseries such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Vaginal Itch, Fungating Prickly Heat, Megacolon, Chronically Abscessed Warts, Hairy Nevi, Flatulence Profundus, Morbid Halitosis, and Degenerative Gastritis, just to name a few.

Some of the people who teach our children, cut our hair or lawns, bag our groceries, deliver our Chinese Food and Pizzas, wait on our tables, fix our computers, install out cable service, drive cabs, trucks and buses may be plagued and stricken with any number of manias, phobias, fits, fugues, seizures, tics, spasms, aphasias, delusions, spells, cramps, or any of the countless aches, attacks, blights, bugs, cankers, contagions, convulsions or debility, decrepitude, defect, disorder, distemper, endemic, epidemic, or feebleness known to modern medical science.  Maybe we all need to be more aware of the various strains of fever, hemorrhage, indisposition, infection, inflammation, unsoundness (of mind or body), and virus that still retain age-old stigmas and force those among us so affected by and smitten with such curses to live forlorn and lonely in the shadows with their adversity, anguish, crux, distress, hardship, misfortune, ordeal, pain, plight, scourge, torment, trial, tribulation, trouble and woe.  Even if we need to be aware of all this shit, it is dubious, if not doubtful that the wearing of some hideously colored strip of ribbon fashioned into a loop will do much to raise our awareness, conscientiousness, and concern.  Frankly, some of us would probably rather not know that the kid handing us a Happy Meal at the local McDonald’s hasn’t had a bowel movement since birth or the woman sitting on the bus next to us has had plantar warts and weeping sores on her feet.  Perhaps having such intimate knowledge of our fellows easily accessible just by looking at the ribbon on their coat might cause us to react negatively, maybe even violently towards them and their gall at such blatant, cheap, callow, crass and insulting advertisement for sympathy or support.  People should keep their abnormalities to themselves, not wear them on their hats.

TAGS: HUMOR, CRITIQUE, CAUSTIC OPINION, SARCASTIC COMMENTARY, SOCIAL OBSERVATION, HUMOR, SATIRE, AWARENESS RIBBONS, ADVOCACY RIBBONS, SUPPORT RIBBONS, ENOUGH FUCKING RIBBONS.


 Copyright The Brooding Cynyx 2013 © All Rights Reserved