Friday, February 1, 2008


Oh, Chuck...

We are the most stereotyped people in the country; we are probably , also, the most observed. In every nook and cranny, town and village , from coast to coast, folks sit and watch TV programs and movies with the greatest city on the planet as the backdrop, New York, New York.

Stereotypes, as are widely acknowledged, are the direct byproduct of ignorance. Ignorance, in many incarnations can be forgiven. Stupidity, however, a variant of ignorance, cannot. Particularly, it cannot be explained nor forgiven, when it comes from the mouth of a 5 term United States Senator. This particular man, and that noun is used lightly, chose to insert himself into a debate that did not only not exist, but was so far above his god-given intellect and life experience, that it is amazing his comments even appeared in print.

But, they did.

So now, we have to discuss the republican Senator from Iowa, that’s right Iowa, Charles “Chuck” Grassley. Now, if you don’t follow politics very closely or watch C-Span around the clock, you may never have heard or seen this Alzheimic fool from the ‘fields of dreams’. If that’s the case, perhaps a brief description of our man of the moment is in order.

Chuck Grassley: an incumbent republican senator from of, all places, a state of absolutely no significance manages to be an incumbent for decades. How, you might ask, does a moronic, myopic, addled ass-wipe retain such a position.

The answer is simple. Chuck Grassley is a whore. He sucks, licks and feasts on the genitals of all sorts of huge corporations involved in agriculture. He has presided over senate committees of , at best , dubious value; more akin to lynch squads than actual governmental bodies. Chuck is a douche. He washes funds from all the conglomerated special interests into his own campaign chest and the small change goes back to Iowa in the form of pork barrel spending so they can have another ‘Butter Cow’ at their pitiful state fair.

Come to New York City someday, Chuck, before the prions eroding your tiny brain render you a drooling turnip. Actually, that would probably be justice in an odd sense. Since you have been such a staunch supporter and advocate for commercial agriculture, it is only fitting that your own senility be linked to all the nitrogen, potash, urea, RoundUp, Atrazine, Tordon, Canopy, Magnum Plus and other petrochemicals you and your asshole cohorts so liberally spray across your fields. How many toes do your grandchildren have, Chuck?

There was no reason to get this angry until you stepped into turf that your bumpkin ass should never have seen. You, Chuck, were one of the few enormously ignorant, arrogant, small-minded senators who thought Homeland Security funding should be allocated the same as federal highway funds. You dick. You scumbag. You pompous idiot! How dare you think Iowa or any other fucking “Cornbelt” state has anywhere near the risk level as the major metropolitan centers in this country. For that alone you, you old wrinkled fucker, should rot in hell. If not hell, you should spend about 70,000 years in Purgatory thinking about your terrible errors in judgment.

We are all glad you thought about us Chuck. We never heard of you but now, that we know who you are and who you represent; all bets are off. Not even the Jews will donate campaign funds anymore. You better not run for reelection. You will be spanked.

Mr. Grassley, your state is a barren wasteland populated by minimally functional dirt bags. Your state is the manure capital of the world and you, sir, are the king of it all.

From the good and kind people of New York City, the number one tourist destination on the planet, from the safest large city in America, from the capital of entertainment, finance, commerce and intelligence, we give you a fine and hardy Bronx Cheer: Fuck You, Chuck. Fuck You and everyone you have ever known, loved or spoken to. Fuck you and your relatives, pets, livestock, lobbyists and staffers. Fuck you, Chuck. Drink some ethanol...let’s see how that works out for you. You are a disgrace to the senate, (which isn’t saying much) to middle America (which is saying less) and to morons around the world.

Chuck, at 74 years of age it’s safe to say you are closer to the end than you are to the beginning. For your many sins, Chuck, you may have to spend eternity in Jersey...oops, that would be like a day at the beach...The Good Lord will keep your sorry soul restless, drifting in the swirling winds of that place that sucks the marrow from your bones...Iowa.

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