Israel, Italy and Ireland Abstain
New York, New York (TBC) The UN Ambassadors representing member states Iceland, India and Indonesia called upon the UN Security Counsel to convene an emergency session immediately. Sources inside the United Nations revealed that these three nations are fearful of being bombed out of existence by the United States. Skoal Lars Gutten, the Ambassador from Iceland told reporters that “ it has become painfully apparent to us that any country whose name begins with the letter “I” is in grave danger as long as George Bush and Dick Cheney live in the White House”.
Ambassador Gutten was referring to recent reports that the Bush administration is seriously considering conducting air strikes against alleged nuclear and selected military facilities in Iran. With the United States military already engaged in a protracted occupation of Iraq, and a tenacious insurgent campaign in the middle of a civil war there, some world leaders find no coincidence in the Bush administration’s purported plans. Ambassador Shali Wali Bingbang representing Somalia stated emphatically “ It has become abundantly clear that any Arab or Muslim country that begins with the letter “I” is in grave peril. I can tell you without doubt that if Somalia began with an “I” we would change our name as soon as legislatively possible”.
Indian Charge’de Affairs noted “ We are concerned...very concerned. After all, India is a country of dark colored people and our country’s name begins with “I”. We have looked at a map. First Iran, next Iraq...who is left on the target list?”
A hastily arranged coalition has been formed by Iceland, India and Indonesia, referenced in UN petitions as The “I” States, collectively plan to present their proposal before the Security Counsel requesting that their country’s names be changed. Indonesian Ambassador Togo Bingo Hulahoop commented that the coalition members plan to request that the letter “T” be inserted in front of the names of their respective countries. Ambassador Hulahoop said “If we put a “T” in front of the names of our countries, perhaps Bush will not bomb the crap out of us. We adopt the letter “T” for Texas, the US president’s stated homeland. We considered several other letters besides “T” but, some of the iterations were profane in various languages”.
If the coalitions measure is ratified by the Security Counsel, the petitioning member states will forever be known as Ticeland, Tindia and Tindonesia. Rand McNally spokesman Ned Myopia commented that “ our map division is ready to go. We will change the names of all those countries according to how the UN votes. Frankly, I can use the overtime. Ever since the USSR collapsed, my overtime has been limited. I still pray that those rotten folks in Burma prevail. Myanmar, it’s hard to spell and will take up more room on the map”.
Notably absent from the coalition of “I” States, as they are known, are Israel, Italy and Ireland. Anonymous, highly placed government officials in each of these countries informed us that they felt “safe”. Shlong Ben Goldshitz of the Israel Foreign Affairs office did say that “ Bomb us? The US bomb us? Oy vey! Not a chance. Their politicians need our support and money too much. How could they even think to bomb us”?
White House spokesperson Dana Perino, responding to questions regarding the “I” States noted “Indeed Israel, Ireland and Italy are, in fact safe. The President may be an incompetent buffoon but he is not an idiot. He wouldn’t even think of bombing Italy, the birth place of the Mafia. After all the trouble we are having with primitive, cave dwelling, camel herding towel heads in Iraq, do you really think George Bush would want to mix it up with folks who invented killing. Heck, the president has great respect for La Costra Nostra and also, he likes lasagna”.
Irish UN envoy Eamon Chug McBurnie said “ Taint no way in hell ole Georgie Bush will bomb Ye Olde Sod. After all, we are the folks who produce 97% of the world’s finest whiskey. As I recall we have contributed a case or two of Jamesons to the White House staff in the past. Surely, they enjoyed it.”
UN watchers are curious as to the outcome of this rather dramatic and certainly unprecedented request by the “I” States. No one is willing to predict how the vote will turn out although some anonymous sources say they fear that, if this measure is approved, it may open the “flood gates” for other countries wishing to change their names. Already rumors are swirling around the United Nations that, if the “I” States are successful in their name changes, the country of Turkey will move to have their name changed to Cornish Game Hen.
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