GRAVEL: AMERICANS “FATTER AND DUMBER”

Other Candidates Adopt Similar Approach

Peptic Springs, Iowa (TBC) During an on-line forum yesterday afternoon, Democratic Presidential long shot candidate, former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel said that Americans are getting “fatter and dumber”. He added that he was informing us of this fact as a “friend”. While some may have found his remark a little harsh or rude, people polled here afterwards expressed thanks and respect for Gravel’s candid comments. “I know I have gotten fatter and dumber. I’m glad Mike Gravel noticed this is happening”, commented Norv Stewanmeyer of Council Bluffs, Iowa. “Far as I can tell, me and all my kin has gotten a hellava lot fatter and dumber since Bush has been president. Goddamned him”, lamented a surly Ron E. Mulehumper from Riverside, Iowa.

By late yesterday evening it had become apparent that several other Democratic Presidential hopefuls had picked up on the public's response to Gravel’s comments. Speaking to the Congress of Rural Black Farmers of Iowa 1st Annual Pork Eat-a-thon, Barak Obama told the 7 people gathered that they were getting “uglier and meaner”. The crowd erupted in thunderous applause sporadically punctuated by rib-shattering belches.

While addressing the Iowa Manure Haulers Association, John Edwards emphatically declared that “It looks like y’all have gotten stinkier and more illiterate since I was here last”. The Manure Haulers responded enthusiastically as they swatted at the millions of flies present. “ Shitfire...I think it’s about time someone had the spine to speak the truth”, said Lloyd Spittle a Manure Hauler representing the small hamlet of Dung Falls, Iowa. By the time Hillary Clinton appeared at the fund raiser hosted by the Lesbian Llama Breeders of Eastern Iowa held at the elegant Alexus Park Motel and Spa in Iowa City, it was obvious that even she had caught on to the popularity of Gravel’s candor. She began her keynote address to the Lesbian Llama Breeders by clearly, albeit somewhat shrilly, declaring “ You, my bull-dyke, muff-diving friends, must support me. I am the only candidate who understands you and possesses the steel balls to tell you that all of you are, without a doubt, more loathsome, pathetic, deviant and sickening, than ever before in your lives. I love you all.” Pat Stark a heavily tattooed lesbian in attendance commented as she wiped away tears and scratched her ass, “Wow...Hillary is...I mean...what can I say. I’d just love to get her alone for ten minutes”.